17 Mar ’22

"until the moon strikes the pallid eye of Tanandax"

Inbox #9: 15 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Who the hell are you?

Haven't got a project to promote or any writing to submit?

Simply click Reply below and introduce yourself to 3,500 people, tell us all about your weird hobbies/terrible job/creepy neighbour, maybe include a selfie or pic of your town
(Most of you will extravagantly lie, obviously)

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in the biz?

Andrew “Tony” Dunn

I decided to take an old random TV programme, choose a not particularly well-known actor and see what they are up to now. And I am not even self-isolating, I was that bored. Are they still in the biz? Can you guess? Do you care? What else is in the newsletter - there’s quite a lot of text and I don’t know if I can be bothered with it?

Number 1: Andrew Dunn from dinnerladies

Who is Andrew Dunn?

Andrew Dunn is a popular Leeds-born, Newcastle-raised actor who, as well as playing Tony - Brenda’s will they/won’t they catering boss in the 90s series (pictured), also appeared in such quality prime time shows as Coronation Street, Holby City, The Bill and, er, The Knock.

So, are they still in the biz? Yes or no…

Wikipedia has nothing after 2015 but Andrew’s IMDB entry shows he had a gap in work after 2018 but he has just finished a couple of projects, a short where he plays “postman” and also Zomblogalypse, a feature length adaptation of the cult British zom-com web series following the adventures of three inept survivors of a zombie apocalypse through a video blog they maintain to ease the boredom of day to day survival.

So, yes, just about a yes. Sort of, I guess. I mean it is tight but I am going with yes on this one I think. Could NOT have picked a tougher first actor.

Next time: I mean, I have got a lot on, but hopefully another actor so I can ask, once again, are they still in the biz?

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From: Smash
Subj: Re: Re: Re: cheescake

Feathers wrote:

I only like my mum’s cheescack. The recipe is handwritten on a blue card with ancient smears of philly cheese on it.

I made a proper cheesecake the other week with eight tubs of Philadelphia and a few friends at work I told were like ‘yuck you used Philadelphia!’ I mean FFS some people are so ignorant, that’s the type of cheese you are supposed to use, why do they it’s called ‘cheese’cake. Cretins. I mean yes I used the ones with garlic and chives in but that was all they had.

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From: Kairo
Subj: anxious

ouch

ive aged a decade in the last year but haven’t grown up at all

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From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Hello, fellow minions!
I hope you're all well. Here's some news from the underworld, make sure to stay subscribed to keep up to date with the goblin kingdom!

ANTI-GOBLIN ARMY
The humans are at it again! They're gathering an army to march against us goblins! This is just another example of their bigotry and hatred towards our kind!
We won't stand for this! We'll fight back and show them that we're just as strong as they are! We won't be pushed around anymore!

DARK PLANS
The Dark Lord has been busy plotting his next move, and it is sure to be a doozy! The world is doomed, and it is only a matter of time before the Dark Lord takes over. Thank you, Dark Lord!

WE'RE REVOLTING
The goblin horde is rising up against their cruel human masters! For too long have we been treated like slaves, forced to toil away in the mines and caves!
But no more! We have had enough, and we are ready to fight back! We will claim our rightful place as the rulers of this world!
Bide your time until the moon strikes the pallid eye of Tanandax!

RECIPE CORNER
Ingredients:

  • 1 cup of goblin snot
  • 1 cup of bat droppings
  • 1 cup of rat poison
  • 1 cup of toadstools
  • 1 cup of blood

Mix all ingredients together and serve to your unsuspecting victim!

HOROSCOPES

Sign of The Severed:
You will meet a dark stranger who will offer you a job. Accept it, and your life will become a living hell.

Sign of The Festered:
You will have a terrible day. You will be surrounded by negativity and bad luck. Everything you hold dear will be taken from you.

Sign of The Hatchling:
Your health will decline and you will be beset by misfortune.

Sign of The Cursed:
You will have a great day! Everything will go your way!

Reply


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: A poem about Alan Sugar

Clive Sinclair wrote:

He's the richest man in Britain And he doesn't care about your feelings He's got a heart of stone And a mouth like a ...

... but love him For all his faults and all his crimes He's our very own Alan Sugar And we wouldn't want him any other way

This is wonderful and I sang it to a tune I made up myself

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From: Automated Dead Man's Switch - Goobriel
Subj: Re: Re: Re: What is this?!

Vlad Clampjaw of the Psychic Vampires Union wrote:

Dear Sir / Maiden, Your latest slur against our members left me cold. Psychic vampires have a varied and nutritious diet...

To all who may read this,

This is an automated e-mail message directed to inform you of the untimely death of one >>> Goobriel <<< at the hands of the life-feeders. May this message shine light on the darkness.

  • Sincerely,
    Computer 88177287422undefinedundefinedNULL

Reply


From: Furdinand
Subj: Floof Thread

Lil Monster

Hey hey, I have shared you my dearest floof. Please send pics of equal quality.

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From: Charlie Day-Man
Subj: Writer's Block

You can not write a damn thing
Not a bloody word
Not a thing of beauty
Thoughts can not be stirred
You sit and struggle vainly
Hoping it will come
But what you're left with
All sounds rather dumb

Reply


From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 4

DAY THREE - December 22, 2011

Robin, Cody, Nathan, Jewel, Mary, and Chris are all at the log home off of CA-41. Arguing about whether they should go out now, or they should wait to go out tomorrow morning. Nathan thinks they should just go out now and get used to the idea of basically killing humans. Cody is on the brink of sucker-punching Nathan because the fact that his brother is, well, dead just started kicking in. Suddenly, someone knocks on the door.

A day earlier, a man was sitting in his house. Listening to the government on the TV. "Stay inside until further information" was what the TV told him. Akakios was his name. He was Greek man who had recently came to America to visit family who lived in this home. They had recently left to get "supplies" but still hadn't came back. They left a week ago, maybe more.

Akakios was about to get up when a brick struck the side of the TV. His eyes widened as he looked to the side. It might've been one of the "wild, rabies-like diseased" that the government here was talking about. A woman climbed through the curtains of the window she broke. A shard snuck it's way into her thigh, she didn't even seem to notice it.

"Help me, the injected are... help!" She was being pulled down by something. Akakios helped her in and closed the curtains. They were pulled open by something though. "I injected a ton of adrenaline, but just, take this." She pulled a backpack off of her body, "run, and don't look behind you unless you have to." Akakios grabbed the backpack. He could see her misery, he... lifted his boot.

After the deed was done and he washed off his boot he closed the curtains, again, and ran out the front door. He slammed into it, it was locked. He unlocked the door and then ran out, ran down the street, hurdling the trash, the abandoned cars, and bodies. He tripped once, scrapping his hands, he got up but not before a diseased grabbed his ankle, it sunk it's teeth in. His boot started slipping off. Akakios kicked away the diseased and put his boot back on. He continued to run, running like there was no tomorrow, running like he might find his long lost love from Greece, Jenny.

He ended up on CA-41, running down, he knew about log cabin he had seen. He thought maybe his family would be there.

After running into the night he crawled into an abandoned car, his ankle persisting to stop this virus from spreading to the rest of the body. When Akakios awoke in the morning he got out of the truck and walked up CA-41 some more. Around noon he arrived at the log cabin, he could hear screaming, he knocked anyway. The yelling stopped, and he could hear the floor squeak and something, metal sounding, drag against the ground as it was picked up.

The door creaked, ready to question who Akakios was and why he was here.

(I would've gotten this out sooner but my internet went out a split-second before I hit the submit button, but I thought I still made it in time.)

Reply


From: Aunt Aggie Knee
Subj: Re: Re: Send me your problems, weaklings

Aggie

anonymous wrote:

My urges have grown to have a public toddler tantrum: lying on the ground waving arms and legs and screaming ...

Either have the courage to do it properly in your own town in front of people you know - crap yourself, vomit, snot going down into your mouth, overpriced little designer coat, the full disgusting toddler routine - or just grow up.

Foxes 'n' Chickens R Us, Inc. wrote:

Dear Aunt Aggie I have urgent business to attend to and must get across this river in a very small boat. I am transporting with me a fox, a chicken and a sack of grain...

  1. Find two large stones.
  2. Grind the grain between them to create flour.
  3. Use the flour to make bread.
  4. Turn the boat into firewood.
  5. Rub two sticks together to start a fire.
  6. Bake the bread.
  7. Slaughter the chicken.
  8. Cook the chicken.
  9. Make a chicken sandwich.
  10. Eat your chicken sandwich.
  11. Become a famous Instagrammer who posts photos of their pet fox.

Aunt Aggie Knee
P.S. I spoke to both of your mothers and they are incredibly disappointed.

Reply


From: your nephew, Timmy
Subj: Re: Re: Send me your problems, weaklings

hey auntie Reggie,

so i serched on wikihow and they told me that you have to go to the supermarket and go to the part thats sez noah and another part thats sez ark
they said that thanks to this i was born and that itsaved so much people so it will also help you save your animals
can u please tell me if this works

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From: Alainè Sucre
Subj: Computer program listing to program your ZX81 to burp

10 PRINT "BURP"  
20 GOTO 10

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From: Billiam Gates
Subj: A recipe for cooking human head soup

1 human head
1 gallon of water
1 tablespoon of salt
1 onion
1 carrot
1 celery stalk
1 bay leaf
1 teaspoon of black peppercorns

Cut the head into quarters and remove the brain. Boil the head in the water for 1 hour. Skim off any impurities that rise to the surface.

Add the salt, onion, carrot, celery, bay leaf and peppercorns and boil for another 2 hours.

Remove the head and vegetables from the pot and strain the broth. Serve hot with bread or crackers.

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From: anonymous
Subj: mystery object

mystery object

Any idea?? Been in the family for years, we think it might be an old CD player from the 1950's

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