14 Mar ’22

"a stinking, highly toxic lump"

Inbox #8: 18 new messages


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From: JM
Subj: Re: Re: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

A possible chunk of ambergris on top of a bag on top of a poncho, with a pen for scale

The_cold_stare wrote:

We need a picture of this faux-ambergris else it becomes faux-faux-ambergris

Behold the shambergris (biro for scale)

Reply


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

The_cold_stare wrote:

We need a picture of this faux-ambergris else it becomes faux-faux-ambergris

It was probably palm oil, I work at the coast and we get loads of people here excitedly claiming they've found ambergris only for me to tell them it's a stinking, highly toxic lump of rancid congealed oil

Reply


From: Kairo
Subj: kairo’s poem

a queer hourglass

I am time
undefined and undetermined
opportunity calls alluringly
I chase it

I am time
true to mind and strange to eyes
the past cannot be
the future will not be

I am time
spent
wasted and waiting
a clock running down

Reply


From: DOCTOR HERMAN FROST
Subj: LIFEHACK

EVIL SCIENCE LIFEHACK

THE LABCOATS FROM BEHIND THE DUMPSTER OF THE SOIL LABORATORY NEAR MY LAIR ARE FREE!! IF HEALTH AND SAFETY IS BARELY A CONCERN FOR YOU I HIGHLY SUGGEST COMING WITH US AT 6PM TOMORROW. GOOD LUCK TO YOU ALL!! THATS ALL!!

Reply


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Update

NINJA AND CAR

NO CHEESE / NO MERCY

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Send me your problems, weaklings

Aunt Aggie Knee wrote:

I will give advice on any problem

My urges have grown to have a public toddler tantrum: lying on the ground waving arms and legs and screaming with everyone watching.
Each night I imagine this in shopping centres or going into random offices.

I think if I travelled to another town I could do this without danger? No-one will recognise me and I can stop before police get there, what do you think Aggie is it harmless fun

Reply


From: Foxes 'n' Chickens R Us, Inc.
Subj: Re: Send me your problems, weaklings

a fox a chicken and a bag of grain

Aunt Aggie Knee wrote:

I will give advice on any problem

Dear Aunt Aggie

I have urgent business to attend to and must get across this river in a very small boat. I am transporting with me a fox, a chicken and a sack of grain but can only fit one of them in the boat with me at a time. I am sure you can see what the problem is here, and I welcome your wisdom as to how one in such an unfortunate situation as myself should best proceed.

Reply


From: Sam
Subj: Who's Hardest

I always find an excellent topic of discussion for work nights out is 'Who's Hardest' in the organisation. The list is always narrowed down amazingly quickly, then naturally flows into 'Who would win in a WWE (WWF?) style match' and 'who would get drop kicked' - makes for good fantasy daydreaming while you're on a video call with some of the colleagues who made the list.

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From: Grandpa Ray
Subj: Re: I'll be there in a jiffy.

Such a handsome young man, Grandma would be proud to see her little boy all grown up <3

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From: Richard Tingley
Subj: Maggo

Maggot Take That

If you want to see more of my nonsense, please subscribe to my newsletter.
buttondown.email/GonkComics

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From: Lord Nelly
Subj: A short story about a leopard who couldn't use the internet

Leo the leopard was having a terrible day. First, he overslept and missed his morning run. Then he got a speeding ticket on his way to work. And to top it all off, his internet connection was down.

"This is the worst day ever," Leo muttered to himself as he paced around his apartment. He tried turning on his computer, but the screen just stayed black. He unplugged and replugged the cable, but nothing worked.

Leo was so frustrated that he could barely think straight. He paced around his apartment for a while longer, then finally decided to go for a walk. Maybe a change of scenery would help clear his head.

As he walked through the city streets, Leo couldn't help but notice how everyone was glued to their phones. They were typing away on keyboards, watching videos, and even playing games. It made Leo feel even more frustrated.

"I wish I could do that," he thought to himself. "But instead I'm stuck here, with no internet."

Leo walked for hours, but he couldn't shake the feeling that something was missing. He eventually made his way back to his apartment, where he found a note from his internet service provider.

"We're sorry, Leo," the note read. "Your service has been discontinued."

Leo was heartbroken. He had no idea what he was going to do without internet. But as he sat down on his couch and looked out the window, he realized that there were still plenty of things to do in the world. He just needed to find a new way to connect with them.

Reply


From: Feathers
Subj: Re: Re: cheescake

zGengar wrote:

I only like american cheeskack

I only like my mum’s cheescack. The recipe is handwritten on a blue card with ancient smears of philly cheese on it.

Reply


From: JM
Subj: Re: something aka bad grammar

someone wrote:

soo i have made this and i was just wondering if you could vote if it is good or not.

It is quite good

Reply


From: Vlad Clampjaw of the Psychic Vampires Union
Subj: Re: Re: What is this?!

Goobriel wrote:

Air plants are the most vicious of all life on this planet. They seem like they don’t do anything but they are psychic vampires that feed on your fears and insecurities.

Dear Sir / Maiden,

Your latest slur against our members left me cold.

Psychic vampires have a varied and nutritious diet, of which fears and insecurities are but a small part. We also feed on things such as anger, denial, hopelessness, curiosity, and boredom.

If we are particularly lucky, we are able to treat ourselves to unfounded blind optimism, which is becoming an increasingly rare delicacy.

Furthermore, we object to being presented as a threat and should not be compared to "the most vicious of all life". This will lead to an increase on attacks on our members, who are already often victims of dangerous weapons, such as an insecure silver cross or resentful garlic.

If you wish to make an apology to our members, a shopping list of our most highly required items is below.

  • dismayed jelly
  • Ben's or Jerry's ice cream
  • startled washing up liquid
  • euphoric crisps (preferably Pleased Pickled Onion or Self-Satisfied Salted)
  • miserable wet wipes
  • air plant food
  • amused black pudding
  • perplexed instant noodles (not spicy)
  • astonished tortilla chips
  • eggs

Yours knowingly,
V. Clampjaw

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From: Logan
Subj: Doggo

Doggo

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From: Clive Sinclair
Subj: A poem about Alan Sugar

He's the richest man in Britain
And he doesn't care about your feelings
He's got a heart of stone
And a mouth like a sewer
He's mean and he's ruthless
And he's not very nice
But we can't help but love him
For all his faults and all his crimes
He's our very own Alan Sugar
And we wouldn't want him any other way

Reply


From: Noneurbeeswax
Subj: ...

......................... ur life is a simulation and u are about to die in the real world the real world is an apocolapse we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die we are all going to die so hurry up and PULL YOUR CRAPPY LIFE TOGETHER DIMWIT

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From: Cat
Subj: Feel better <3

Kat

Have a great day pls feel better if you’re down ❤️

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