28 May â25
"sure bro but what kinda tower is that"
Inbox #68
Inbox #68: 39 new messages
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From: Sysadmin
Subj: Keep on keepy-uppying
Send an ever-tinier goalkeeper flying around the screen to keep the ball off the floor. How hard can it be to get a World Champion score..?
The Incredible Shrinking Goalie
- Sysadmin
From: Ben
Subj: Would you like to read a book?
Some of you may know me as the Maths Friend from ARCC, but when I'm not capering in front of a webcam I write science fiction and fantasy. This year, my novella finally made it into print! It's got boats, singing, and a big gun.
To Sail the Interstice in Wiz Duo Book 1
It nearly didn't appear at all, thanks to issues with the original intended publisher, so it would mean a lot to me if people grabbed copies. Supporting a small press is also a Good Deed, so it's got that going for it.
From: BiCi
Subj: quackster
Ages ago my primary teacher made crochet animals for us and i thought i lost it but found it
heres a website about it
quackster.weebly.com
From: anonymous
Subj: Help
Hi I am not really sure how this works I just started can you please tell me how it works? Thanks!
Sysadmin note: we're as baffled as anyone and would love to know
From: CynMD
Subj: Re: art styles
banana man wrote:
try to put my dudes in YOUR STYLE! and I will give a 1-10 rating!
Alr, challenge accepted :)
From: Slippy The Bird
Subj: Re: world takeover
dramor wrote:
I need ideas for world domination
Slippy The Bird Here, Responding To Your plans on world domination; Don't use force, Use Molten Iron. Trust me, Spill that on somebody and they will do anything to make it stop.
From: That one hamilton fan
Subj: Re: world takeover
WELL DRAMOR I CAN ASSIST YOU HERE
- Just blow everything up.
- Kidnap celebrities and make the world bow to you to get them back
- Find technified alien cephlapods and bend their wills to assist you take over the world
- Practice your witchcraft
- Corrupt governments
- Release a deadly disease to which only you have the antidote, then rule over the people as a benevolent God.
- Rule Mars. The Martians can be controlled easier than humans
- Turn off the WiFi
- Hunger games
- Give up
From: fluffymitten
Subj: Re: world takeover
World domination is overrated. Far to much admin.
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: world takeover
First you must gain the trust of a single individual they will act as someone to vouch for you and how great of a perosn you are how they should support you in a fashion in which they suppport your decisions start an online group of people who are supporters of this cause after a whiel the end goal will become obsolete no one really rememmbers why they are here they just know they support you the group grows yuo continue working untill you have enough monye to start a buisness get enough people here to buy and support your product the more money the more workers the larger the buisness once this small empire has arrisen you can use your group of supporters to buy product and furhter expand once you have gained fame from your bisness you will become well known and more peoepl will follow you after a whiel you have enough money ansd supporters to create your own army have them enlist people to the cause and over time you will be unstippable start by crashing markets overhtrowing governments this will help people to lose confidence and join the one thing that seems to be working the group of you supporterrsafter a whule onmce america is captured you can use our multi trillion dollar army to start nuking other countries and making the rest of earth submit to your rule gain others governments toi be unstopable hire assasins and win that is how. or you can just sneak in to missle silo and set some off saying you did it and have acces to more and unless they submit you will destroy this country or somethingnliek that :)
From: banana man
Subj: Re: world takeover
invest in cats. =]
From: Someone
Subj: Re: world takeover
Use this
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<========<{[]|[]|=={]
[]From: Bathynomus Giganteus
Subj: its gettng to dark
Its been getingg toos darkj.,,.we need more lghtsf!!1 shduldnt be harf, is only- uh,,., 1000 feet things,, deep,,.. yeh,,,. anywho! its to darkj dowm here!1 elp me!11! we nedds ligtts!
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film Youâve Never Seen
No. 26: Colossal (2016)
Another appearance in this series for director Nacho Vigalondo after Timecrimes, this time with a famous lead actor and more money. But it ran into legal problems, didnât do well and people are still wary of the fun concept, so it qualifies.
Anne Hathaway moves back to her family home and discovers she causes a giant destructive monster to manifest in Seoul, South Korea, and controls its movements. See, youâre already wary of that, arenât you? Itâs surely going to be unbearably cheesy and silly, right?
And yes, it is cheesy and silly, but also far more serious and interesting than you expect, tackling alcoholism and abusive relationships. Itâs a cheesy, silly film for grown-ups.
After Godzilla was shown/mentioned in pitches for the movie and the director said âItâs going to be the cheapest Godzilla movie everâ, Toho started legal action that ensured the monster looked very different and the location switched from Tokyo to Seoul. Maybe it wouldâve made more impact otherwise, maybe not.
Expect a strange mash-up of genres, but I reckon itâs more entertaining than most of Godzillaâs appearances in recent years.
Colossal should be available to rent/buy in the usual places or in the US it looks like itâs on Plex and Kanopy
From: no cow in thanks
Subj: Re: German Comforting
ShadowTiger2345 wrote:
Here are some comforting phrases to say in German! (Don't say them loud though, people might be concerned)...
Very nice and very useful! however, I wonder were the Germans say Dan-kuh (incidentally, Kuh means cow in German. Which in turn would be pronounced coo in English. Going full circle the Scotish word for cow. However, I cannot think of any German dialect/variant where it's pronounced Dan-coo).
The 'ke' is like ke in kettle so Dan-ke(ttle).
And yes, I'm German so I do consider myself someone of an expert in that language.
From: spekulas
Subj: Re: German Comforting
Would be funny, if we would teach German in monthly lessons through Vmail LOL
I will do my part, and teach some essential german vocab:
Grundstßcksverkehrsgenehmigungszuständigkeitsßbertragungsverordnung: the enactment of assigning responsibility of property traffic approval
StraĂenentwässerungsinvestitionskostenschuldendienstumlage: service allocation of investment costs debt of street drainage
KurzfristenergieversorgungssicherungsmaĂnahmenverordnung: the enactment of safeguarding short-term power supply
Hope I could help :)
From: Sid :)
Subj: best creature
silly horse, best horse, you should definitely horse.
From: Vole.wtf Enjoyer
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
uncivil engineer wrote:
- all started going wrong here, left one end of mattress unsupported, idiot
- what the f--- were you thinking settling for that slope and not finding a way to stabilize via cone or putting pig further right
- utter sh--! you gave up
Sounds like you loved the design
thanks!
Never thought an engineer would like it
From: Steven Urresta
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
iTs Me MaRiO wrote:
So, does anyone wanna compete for the best tower? Cuz I'm on the top rn.
Yea sure bro but what kinda tower is that
From: MooLovesDoodle
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
- Very tilted, rather terrifying
- Also tilted, trash bag and grocery basket are unstable
- Planks are uneven, pig could just slide off
- The plank thatâs barely touching the wooden box is scaring me
So no, I donât believe you are on top.
From: Green Day overlover
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
- Why did you use the basket, that ustablizes everything.
- Again with baskets.
- WHY DID YOU PLACE THE BOX UNEVENLY B****
- You father af all idiots, why
From: : )
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
I feel like we'd be competing in opposite fields.
From: Hoochalobster
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
Bring it on :D
From: Hoochalobster
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
A new personal best at 13.08m
From: fluffymitten
Subj: Re: Re: what do you all think of my tower?
You call that a tower? This is a tower!
From: [Interdimensional News Network | Breaking Discovery]
Subj: Planet Macbooz Shocks the Cosmos: Biobooz Race Perfects Brain-to-Liquid Technology,Redefining Life.
By Korvax Triluun | INN Galactic Correspondent
MACBOOZ, QUADRANT 9Z â In a staggering leap for science and interdimensional existence, the Biobooz of Macbooz â a planet located 30,000 light years from Earth â have unveiled a revolutionary advancement: the ability to preserve brain function, memory, and consciousness in liquid form.
This breakthrough, now dubbed "Neuroliquid Preservation," allows the complete essence of a beingâs mind â from experiences to skills and even personality traits â to be safely stored and later transferred into newly constructed bodies. Effectively, death for the Biobooz is no longer an end, but a transition.
Lead figure of this revelation is Boozo-B6, a 600-year-old Biobooz whose number is visibly etched above a glowing red star on his chest. Having lived for six centuries through multiple physical forms, Boozo represents the enduring knowledge of an ancient race that has mastered continuity of consciousness.
Scientists across galaxies are already calling this discovery âthe end of forgetting.â Universal councils, knowledge-sharing federations, and even Earth-based think tanks are scrambling to establish contact and understand the implications.
Experts predict this could revolutionize everything from education and warfare to diplomacy and culture preservation. With memory no longer shackled to biological decay, the potential for infinite learning and peaceful legacy-building has become a tangible reality.
"This changes not just how we live," said Dr. Alarn Vex of the Interdimensional Ethics Institute, "but how we define existence itself."
Stay tuned for exclusive coverage as INN investigates the ripple effects of this historic advancement. Will immortality become the new norm? Can other species adapt the Neuroliquid process? And what does this mean for the future of life â and death â as we know it?
This is not just a story. This is the beginning of a new era.
From: THE bread maker of the universe!1!
Subj: To the bread kingdom and its subjects (again)
Last Warning for your subjects of swissland!1! Our limited time offer of endless bread in the kingdom, hurry while supplies last! We only have stock of endless baguets, croissants, garlics of all sorts, sliced, rolls, and buns. If you need any endless breads then these are the only supplies! hurry while they are left, people in the Crisp sandwich kingdom is stealing our highest and premium breads and materials for their delicious and savoury crisp sandwiches! If anyone from the swissland or bread republicans could help with our noble cause for everyone to have endless breads then we need to contact the Crisp Sandwich Kingdom. They are going rogue on our deal and now only SOME people will have endless breads! Thank you for reading this urgent message we shall update you as soon as we get any feedback. Goodbye your highnesses, by THE bread maker of the universe. We are on your side.
From: $H0RT(4T
Subj: Drawing
Spent a while drawing this baddie.. Iâm ngl the special effects makes her look great. Either ways, just wanted to share this!
From: Gary the Budgie enjoyer
Subj: Re: Greetings!
Slippy The Bird wrote:
Hey Everybody! Slippy The Bird Here! Messaging you from my little cozy cage. Just checking in, wanna make sure everything is okay. How have you been holding up? I hope you've been doing well.
But for now i gotta go, Best of wishes, From Slippy The Bird
Hello Slippy! I am a proud parakeet owner and have a cute little birb named Pixel, she is green/yellow (used to be completely gray so now she just has dull colors lol) do you have a message for her?
From: Adrian
Subj: Dog
Hi, Iâm Adrian, and this is a logic of my dog
She is an alien
From: Alex of parmesan
Subj: Re: Re: The cheese court
Cheese Lord Kendra wrote:
Your work is like no other, and is very pleasant on my eyes. As for your proposal, I would like to indulge this request. Your work could be beneficial for keeping peace between other kingdoms, as art brings others together.
Thank you for your kind words cheese lord kendra. I will serve you well in this position. As a token of my thanks, I have included an image of my own creation. It portrays a peice of Swiss cheese being sliced. Thank you.
Sincerely, Alex of Parmesan
From: King Cheesus of Cheddaronia
Subj: A Cheesy Decree
Dearest Alex of Parmesan and Queen Mozzarella of Swissland,
It is my Cheesiest right, to send you both a formal invitation to join The Cheese Council. Current members are as follows: Cheese Lord/Queen Kendra, Alex of Parmesan, Sysadmin (Praise be the Sysadmin), King Jala (Reserved).
Additionally I would like to congratulate my dearest friend Cheese Lord Kendra for her engagement. what a Gouda day! My kingdom is at your disposal for the ceremony.
My kingdom's doors are open wide for all the citizens of Vmail
Have a Gouda day!
- Cheesus
From: Lady Pickle
Subj: Re: He Is coming.
Cucumber man's janitor. wrote:
NOTICE TO THE WORLD From the Desk of Janitor Eli Former Custodian to the Cucumber Man To Whom It May Concern (and to ...
... Eli Last of the Custodians Believer of the Brine Sweeper of Secrets April 8, 2025 âHeâs not a myth. Heâs a final hope.â
I would be one to know if the cucumber man was to come back. For one, I am the pickle lady, the one who has defeated the meddlesome cucumber man. I turned him into a mere pickle subject, the lowest of the lows, the one who cowers at me and begs for mercy at my pickle feet. However, my mercy has long since drowned in brine. The vegetables must rise up against the cheese monarchy and all who dare to claim that my arch nemesis is back.
From: Emperor Swissius of Mozzerellaford and The Royal Press
Subj: The Mozzerellaford Times, Volume #1
TOWN COUNCIL APPROVES NEW CHEESE SCULPTURE FOR MAIN SQUARE
By Brianna Ricotta, Senior Correspondent
In a meeting that drew an impressive turnout despite the mid-spring drizzle, the Mozzerellaford Town Council voted unanimously last night to commission a new centerpiece for Main Square: a larger-than-life cheese sculpture honoring the townâs legendary founder, Sir Curdley Whey.
Local artist Mona Provolone, whose butter cow at last yearâs Dairy Festival wowed both critics and kids, has been tapped to bring the vision to life.
The sculpture, planned to stand over eight feet tall, will depict Sir Curdley astride a rolling wheel of Gouda, waving his iconic ladle. Provolone says sheâll use a blend of waxed wheels and carefully cured bricks to ensure the piece weathers the elementsâand the enthusiastic selfie-takers.
Construction is set to begin next Monday, with an unveiling planned for Foundersâ Day in June. Resident opinions have ranged from delighted to mildly concerned about potential pigeon interest, but most seem eager for a new landmark.
As Councilwoman Brie put it: âMozzerellaford deserves a monument as bold as our cheese legacy.â
DAIRY FESTIVAL RETURNS AFTER HIATUS
By Leo Fontina, Staff Writer
Sponsored by Oregano & Rosemaryâs Bread Emporium
After two years marked by quiet weekends and empty fairgrounds, the Dairy Festival is officially back on the calendar, promising to restore some much-needed cheer and commerce to Mozzerellaford. This Saturday, Main Street will transform into a bustling corridor of cheese, music, and games. Highlights include the fiercely competitive cheese rolling contest, butter sculpting demonstrations, and the much-anticipated âGuess the Weight of the Wheelâ competition. Local creameries are preparing special festival-only flavors, and rumors swirl that the secretive Blue Ribbon Band will headline the evening concert.Festival coordinator Maybelle Manchego is expecting record crowds: âPeople have missed this. Itâs not just about the cheeseâitâs about coming together.â Vendors are urged to register at Town Hall, and volunteers are still needed for setup, breakdown, and the ever-demanding cheese sampling booth. Road closures will begin Friday evening, so plan your route accordingly.
LOCAL SCHOOL LAUNCHES âMILK MATTERSâ PROGRAM
By Cynthia Havarti, Education Reporter
Sponsored by Moo Moo Milk Delivery
Mozzerellaford Elementary has kicked off its âMilk Mattersâ initiative, a yearlong program designed to teach students about nutrition, sustainable farming, and the science behind dairy processing.
In partnership with the local 4H Club, students will visit working farms, learn how to churn butter by hand, and even adopt a classroom calf for the semester.
The programâs launch event drew parents and media, with Principal Emmental proudly announcing, âWe want to give our students a real taste of where their food comes from. Knowledge is powerâand healthy bones!â
The first field trip is planned for next week, and students are already abuzz about the chance to bottle-feed calves and try their hands at milking. Science teacher Mr. Chevre says thereâs even talk of a cheese-making contest between grades. The programâs curriculum is available on the school website, and family volunteers are still welcome.
MOZZERELLAFORD MARKET PRICES: DAIRY UP, VEGGIES STEADY
By Edam Smith, Market Analyst
Sponsored by Farmer Gorgonzolaâs Produce Stand
The weekly market report shows dairy prices ticking upward as festival season approaches. Cheese is up 2% on average, with artisan cheddars fetching as much as $10 per pound at Saturdayâs market. Whole milk saw a modest bump to $3.25 per gallon, reflecting both national trends and local demand.
Eggs remain steady after last monthâs spike, and butter is holding at $4 per pound.Vegetable prices have remained resilient, with tomatoes, lettuce, and sweet corn all holding steady.
Farmer Gorgonzola attributes the stability to this springâs mild weather and improved irrigation. âItâs a good year for greens,â he told the Times. â But if we get another hot spell, tomatoes could jump.â The market opens at 7 a.m. this Saturday, with freshest picks selling out by noon.
A STATEMENT FROM HIS MAJESTY, KING SWISSIUS
By Royal Scribe Percival Brie
Sponsored by The Royal Dairy Council
To the Esteemed Citizens of Mozzerellaford,
It is both my duty and privilege to address you on this fine spring day. As we prepare for the Dairy Festivalâs triumphant return and welcome new works of art to our beloved Main Square, I am reminded of the strength found in our bondsâfamilial, neighborly, and communal.
When the world seems uncertain, we gather in celebration, in memory, and in hope. I offer my deepest thanks to all who labor on farms, in shops, in schools, to make Mozzerellaford the jewel it is today.
May your tables be full, your spirits high, and your hearts as strong as our oldest cheddar. Let us continue to savor our successes and weather all storms, together.
With Gratitude and Pride, King Swissius
CRIME WATCH: CHEESE THIEF CAUGHT RED-HANDED
By Cam Jones, Crime Beat
Sponsored by Inspector Stiltonâs Security Systems
An attempted heist at Uncle Romanoâs Cheese Shop was foiled late Sunday when vigilant neighbors reported suspicious activity behind the store. Officers arrived to find a masked individual attempting to abscond with a 10-pound wheel of Parmesan, reportedly valued at $250. The suspect, described as âquick on their feet but no match for fresh waxed floors,â was apprehended after a short chase and is currently in custody awaiting charges.
Chief Colby praised the communityâs watchfulness: âWe rely on neighbors looking out for neighborsâand for cheese.â Shop owner Uncle Romano is relieved, noting, âThat parmesanâs been aging since 2018. Weâre glad itâs back where it belongs.â Authorities remind residents to report any suspicious activity and are offering free security consultations at Town Hall this Friday.
OBITUARIES
By Mildred Asiago, Community Columnist
Sponsored by Peaceful Meadows Rest Home
Geraldine âGerryâ Muenster, age 91, passed away peacefully at her home surrounded by family. Known for her award-winning apple pies and impeccable sense of humor, Gerry spent decades volunteering at the library and coaching the youth baking team. She is survived by three children, eight grandchildren, and a legendary wheel of cheddar she guarded as fiercely as her family. Services will be held at St. Brieâs Chapel on Thursday at 2 p.m.
Roland âRolloâ Blue, age 67, master fisherman and local legend, died last Saturday after a short illness. Friends recall his enormous sandwiches, even bigger laugh, and deep love for the Mozzerellaford lakes. Rolloâs favorite fishing spot on Daisy Lake will be dedicated in his honor this weekend. He is survived by his partner, two brothers, and a community that will miss his stories on the docks.
The Times extends condolences to all who mourn.
To submit an obituary, please contact Mildred Asiago at the Times office.
WEEKLY WEATHER FORECAST
By Stormy Wensleydale, Meteorologis
Tuesday: Mostly sunny, high 73°F, light breeze from the north. A perfect day to be out and about, but keep an eye on the clouds in the late afternoon.Wednesday: Light rain through the morning, clearing by late afternoon. Temperatures dip to 68°F. Good day for indoor cheese tasting.
Thursday: Overcast, with persistent clouds and a high of 70°F. No precipitation expected, but humidity will rise.
Friday: Sun returns, warming up to 75°F. Excellent weather for outdoor prep ahead of the Dairy Festival.Saturday: Festival day! Clear skies, high 77°F, and low chance of wind. Remember sunscreen and hydration.
Sunday: Scattered showers possible in the afternoon, high 71°F. Perfect excuse to rest after the festivities.
Extended outlook: Next week trending mild, with no severe weather on the horizon.
Q&A WITH THE COMMUNITY
Sponsored by Ask-a-Cow Helpline
Q: âWhatâs the best cheese for a picnic?â
A: Local chef Brie de Lait weighs in: âYou want a cheese that travels well and doesnât need refrigeration for a couple hours. Sharp cheddar is a classic and always a crowd-pleaser. Add some grapes, crusty bread, and youâre golden. If youâre feeling adventurous, try a smoked gouda or creamy havarti. Just remember to keep it out of direct sun!â
Q: âWhy does the bell ring at noon every day?â
A: According to Town Historian Reuben Roquefort, the noon bell started as a practical signal for farmers and factory workers to break for lunch back in 1860. Over time, it became a beloved traditionâand a friendly reminder for everyone in Mozzerellaford (including the cows) to pause and eat. Itâs said the townâs productivity and happiness both rise after the midday bell.Have a question for the Times? Submit it via our website or drop it in the box at Main Square.
JOBS & SERVICES
By Reggie Romano, Classifieds
Sponsored by Curd Careers Placement Agency
Cheesemonger Wanted: The Dairy Delights Shop seeks full or part-time help. Must be friendly, knowledgeable, and able to lift 20-pound wheels. Experience a plus, but training provided. Apply in person with resume.
Farmhand Needed: Sunny Pastures Farm is looking for a reliable worker to assist with morning milking, feeding calves, and basic barn care. Early mornings required. Competitive pay and plenty of fresh air. Call Farmer Beth at the number listed in the classifieds.
Babysitter : Local high school senior with CPR certification and references available for evenings and weekends. Loves crafts, board games, and pets.
Lawn Mowing & Goat Trimming: Billyâs Goats offers affordable rates for lawn care and goat trimming services. Satisfaction guaranteed, and goats are friendly. Call Billy for a quote.
THIS CONCLUDES THE MOZZERELLAFORD TIMES, VOLUME #1
From: Rampant Thrust
Subj: Doors
Why oh why canât door manufacturers make doors that fit the people. Imagine Peter crouch and Warwick Davis sharing a flat, the doors would be too small for one and huge for the other. Come on door makers S,M,L and XL itâs the future.
From: Raymond the silly
Subj: Art :3
I LOVEEE LONG BUS RIDES!!!! I was able to draw ENA on a bus yesterday and it was really fun!!! (in case anyone's interested, i might post the finished art on my instagram @raysweird.art in a few days)
ANYWAYSSS I've been OBSESSED with the ENA franchise lately,,, and my boyfriend told me that he might buy me an ena plush as a gift for my birthday!!!!! I'm so excited about that honestly :3
IF YOUVE READ THIS FAR, THANKS FOR READING MY LITTLE HYPERFIXATED RAMBLE, AND HAVE A GREAT DAY!!!
From: Chuck Fizzy
Subj: ALIENS ARE REAL
You see that UFO? There's no way that it's fake, Out of all the galaxies and millions of undiscovered universes, there has to be more life! When they find us, or if we find them, we must be prepared. You should never doubt what the aliens can do. They probably have huge giant mega laser guns!
If we ever move to Mars, it could be very very bad. What if there's already "people" on the planet! Maybe they're hiding from us, or worse, they're invisible! It could be the end of the human race!!!!!!
Next time you go outside all happy and cheerful, make sure to watch the sky. You might be abducted by aliens or whatever the heck they are. Never go outside without foil in your pockets and you should NEVER, EVER, try negotiating with the aliens. They'll brainwash you if you don't comply!
From: anonymous
Subj: SAW THE LOCH NESS MONSTER
WASN'T IN LOCH NESS SO IT MUSTVE ESCAPED!!!
From: the american
Subj: issue
Heh... I've made it to the Great Britain. However, I've been driving around for a bit and I can't seem to find the road out of Birmingham. I've been in this city for maybe two days now and I'm getting really worried. Are there any Birminghamsters here? I'm pretty sure I keep seeing the same people over and over on the street. Send help?
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