26 Nov ā24
"I becameth most alarmed"
Inbox #63
Inbox #63: 33 new messages
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From: Sysadmin
Subj: Casting the pods
Our StopOrMy.Mom spin-off site has released episode 1 of Stop! Or My Mom Will Mute, with Kat and Rob giving their thoughts about the classic film. Surely itāll be the best thing theyāve ever seen..?
- Sysadmin
From: Dezi
Subj: HOW DID I JUST REALIZE AN WEEK AGO?
VOLE.WTF IS BRITISH, THE NAME OF CRISP SANDWICH DAY (BTW crisp sandwich day in 15 days) THE "CALM DOWN BRITAIN" FOUND TAPES, THE "BRITISH SEASIDE SIMULATOR", AND WHAT SHOULD'VE TIPPED ME OFF IS " BRITAN'S MOST BORING ", AND DON'T FORGET THE MASTODON FAQ. but now I can see the British teeth thing as an brutal self roast
Sysadmin note: yes, our dark secret is that weāre British, you finally cracked the code
From: smoked brisket
Subj: i DONT like tomatoes
this is a ghost I drew
yeswterday i was given an autism assmemnt
From: SpiralVictim
Subj: Re: Wheels Or Doors Admin?
Doors Fan wrote:
Who Wins?
Doors. Always doors. Because doors open to hallways and the hallways are endless and make no sense and perfect sense at the same time the colors on walls change are those paintings of me are those mirrors they don't move they don't move but they are me, undeniably me how long have I been here? How long have I been here? Does this hallway ever end? When did the carpet change colors? I could have sworn it was pink. It's definitely green now. Or yellow. I can't tell. When I look at it too long it all blends together. I just have to keep walking. I'll get to the door eventually. I think I turned around at some point, so I must be walking towards the one I came through. I was yellow. Very yellow. And the doorknob had a spiral on it. I don't think I should have opened it. Did that painting just move? They might be mirrors now. But they don't mimic my movements. When did the music start playing? How long has it been? The walls changed color again. They're pink and white striped now. I could have sworn they were chartreuse just a few minutes ago. The carpet is like those roller rink carpets now. It wasn't like that a second ago. Where's the door?
From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Things I can do that I thought I couldnāt
I always thought I couldnāt bake, but recently Iāve made a few lemon drizzle loaves and a few weeks ago an absolutely delicious slab of fruit and nut brownie. So apparently I can, I just didnāt know it.
Maybe there are things that you could do without knowing you could too. Like moonwalk, or drink seven pints of lager without going for a single waz, or paint a hauntingly beautiful portrait of Sue Perkins using only a spatula and 54 different shades of green paint in those tester pots.
Why not give something new a try and share your results with the community on here?
From: Someone you didn't used to know..
Subj: Re: any lore behind Vmail?
Some random person... wrote:
... A LOT (maybe OG Vmail users will remember) uhh anyway, what else do people do in Vmail besides saying random stuff?
Maybe. or not really, why? Because sometimes I get an mail from someone whose name have "god" or "lord" in it. Like a mail I got from "the bread god" and "Cheese Lord Kendra".. WHO THE HELL IS CHEESE LORD KENDRA?!
Either way, maybe there's some lore or some kind of cult is happening in vmail
From: roland
Subj: hi
Hi, WWIII is going to happen by cats
UwU
From: Your Cats new mom
Subj: Re: Re: CAT
I LOVE YOUR CAT.... HOW MUCH IS IT AND WHATS YOUR IP ADDRESS-
From: Skylander #1 fan
Subj: Halloween Skylander review
In the spirit of Halloween, todays Skylander review will be over the Halloween variant of Eye Brawl, my personal FAVORITE Skylander!
Eye Brawl is an Undead skylander, the element with arguably the sickest character designs.
He is a giant with lumbering arms and crushing feet, and one massive eye adorning bat wings.
I rate his design as a 10/10, since I am totally biased and this is not fair at all. Sue me. Always loved eyeballs, and the idea of a 2 in 1 Skylander is always very fun! He is also a Giant, so he is very large.
His voice is a 10/10, sounding like a buff and imposing Count Dracula, very fitting for the bat eye.
His gameplay is the exact opposite of Stealth Elf, whereas the latter is quiet and sneaky, EB wants to walk around, stomping anything nearby, and swinging massive punches around. He also has the unique ability to let the eye fly freely while the body walks around swinging aimlessly, while the eye slams down and barrages lasers. Simplistic, but effective, and fairly unique! 10/10.
Figure is EXTREMELY durable and thick, so he does not fall apart...ever. Like all Giants figures, his massive eye glows when the figure is in use. Since we are looking at the Halloween variant, bonus ten points for being ultra rare and unique! 20/10!
All around, I LOVE EYE BRAWL!!!!!!!!!!!!! 50/10!!!!!!!!!!!!
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film Youāve Never Seen
No. 22: Timecrimes (2007)
A middle-aged man picks up a pair of binoculars; what he sees sets off a bizarre chain of events involving a man in bloody bandages and time travel.
As with Primer, things get rather tangled, but this is livelier and easier to follow. Thereās a compelling sense of someoneās mundane existence spinning off into dark chaos before coming back down to earth with a not-exactly-happy ending.
Writer/director Nacho Vigalondo works wonders with a tiny budget, and went on to make Colossal, the film where Anne Hathaway manifests a giant monster (itās so much better than it sounds, trust me).
Timecrimes currently seems to be on various free US streaming services, but only on Plex in the UK plus ye olde DVD
From: LYN37
Subj: The best books youāve never read
Peter Tinniswood āA Touch of Danielā.
A Touch of Daniel is the first of four books chronicling the life of the Brandon family in urban Yorkshire between 1959 and 1968.
The others are āI Didnāt Know you Caredā, āExcept youāre a Birdā and āCall it a Canaryā
Imagine Coronation Street meets the television series Fargo. A mix of the mundane and magical. In the Brandon family novels there is a baby whoās touch has life giving properties, wife swapping, witchcraft, son Carter Brandon restoring confidence to a disfigured girl, terminal illness, day trips to the coast resulting in lost virginity, union meetings, accident black spots, rugby matches, incest, thwarted love, pub lock-ins, murder suicides, public transport colour schemes, unemployment and Carter Brandons decent into alcoholism.
Asides from the magical realism Tinniswood captured the sense of place, attitudes, society and changing social landscape of āthe Northā in the books. The working class Brandon family are unconsciously aware that they are the last of their guaranteed employment generation and sense they canāt stop the coming societal upheaval, the women aspire to better things and higher social standing but are just as trapped as the men by their sense of family and duty. Tinniswood had a flair for language that had me laughing out loud in places too. The family reminiscing about a childhood dog that had to be put down due to its incurable habit of chasing motorbikes - āthatās cruel, I mean itās only human nature that a dog wants to chase a motorbikeā
If you have seen Count Arthur Strong and The League of Gentleman shows you will be reading the books and saying āah, thatās where they got that fromā, with themes such as whimsical deaths (died in a piano accident) or the larger than life monstrous characters.
Also if Uncle Mort and the Brandon family seem familiar then you may be thinking of the 1970s BBC television series āI Didnāt Know you Caredā or the BBC radio 4 āUncle Morts North Countryā and itās subsequent sequels. And If you liked these shows, then you will love the books. The books are the rich seams from which the whimsical pastiches of the TV and Radio shows are mined. Be warned, once you read the books you can never watch or listen to the shows and enjoy them again.
From: Naur
Subj: Re: full moon
Annbelle wrote:
Hello Helen!
How's life darling?
From your dear mother Annbelle
Hello Annbelle. Without an A.
I think you got the wrong person- as I am not named...Helen.
Btw that's A nice window seat you got last month! Man, you're my favorite neighbor, you actually have good furniture taste to look at through the windows.
From: Mother
Subj: Cleaning
Dear child, please clean your room. It is driving me insane. You are living in a pigsty. I beg you. Now.
Love mother
Sysadmin note: weāre not keen on this recent trend of parenting via Vmail, Sysadmin Mum might get ideas (yes, yes, weāll visit soon)
From: regular local fellow human being knight
Subj: Re: Bread
The bread god wrote:
I, the bread god request bread in the ancient Latin language for mysterious purposes. Da mihi Panem!!!!!! That my friends means give me bread in Latin.
Male filius sclopetis! non sequar pseudoprophetas tales.
From: JuneSandwich
Subj: AUDI QUATTRO
RAAAAAR AUDI QUATTRO GO VROOOOOOOM I LOVE AUDI QUATTROSSSSS
From: Dodo Distribution INC
Subj: Time Traveller Monthly NO.3
T I M E T R A V E L L E R
__ ___ __ __ __
/ |/ / ___ ___ / /_ / / / / __ __
/ /|_/ / / _ \ / _ \/ __/ / _ \ / / / // /
/_/ /_/ \___//_//_/\__/ /_//_//_/ \_, /
/___/ NO.3-REMEMBER NOT TO KILL YOUR GRANDFATHER
We at Dodo Distribution INC would like to apologize for the late delivery of this edition of TTM, some guy went back in time and stopped our company from being formed. took a long time to resolve (IRL I've been procrastinating a lot less which means I've been working less on this. not sure about the future of this but I hope it's good) the following QNA will have all questions asked previously
(Time) Travel corner
Welcome to the (time) travel corner! today reporter Martha corners will be checking out ancient Aztec society, her report is below
I just have to say the Aztecs really knew their architecture. i'm at one of the pyramids built during this time period and let me just say it is beautiful! when I got here I wanted to climb on one of them immediately! luckily some Aztec went over and talked to me about being chosen to become 'immortalized' by getting to the top, he really emphasized the heart in his speech, I wonder why. anyways long story short I ended up in this line going up to the top and while I'm excited for the view I'm disappointed that there's a line. all the people in the line look scared and regretful. I never knew Aztecs didn't like heights! I have to sign off now, I'm at the top and I'm really excited for the v HELPgtgtriogjtr
Martha corners has not been seen since this report. if anyone has any information on her time period or location, keep it to yourself because everybody knows what happened to her by now so you'll just be rubbing it in.
The temporal kitchen
First, travel to some prehistoric island (doesn't matter what one) and capture one sea cow (and some prehistoric shallots if you can). then slice the sea cow into two pieces lengthwise with an obsidian shard (or a knife but a shard is way more cool) and slather with 1950s era barbecue sauce (it tastes way better than the comparison would have you believe and you can't really disprove me because sea cows are extinct now). now either grill on medium heat for 30 minutes or expose to the maw for 6 seconds, season with king's salt and enjoy! (serves 4 clones of Abraham Lincoln)
But how do people time travel? (part 3)
The rules of time travel are pretty important, as if you break them a member of the T-police (time police) will come over and slap you on the wrist, this might not seem like the worst punishment but the slap really hurts. so, to avoid that fate, here are the rules of time travel:
- if you make any altercation to the timeline, you'll have to submit a time change permission form in triplicate, then wait 1-2 decades for a response.
- Do not talk to anyone from a different time for more than 10 minutes, as then their face will begin to wither and rot (or if they're still alive in the time you come from, they'll just become older which is arguably worse)
- Do not feed your time machine after midnight
- Whatever you do don't travel to the 18th march 1807 or [NOTICE: COOLNESS LEVEL TOO LOW FOR ACESS TO INFORMATON, CONTACT YOUR LOCAL REPRESENTATIVE TO SEE HOW YOU CAN BECOME MORE COOL]
- If you meet your grandfather, refer to subtitle
- If you meet your past/future self, don't touch him or the current month will be deleted (we lost binglebarry that way)
- If you meet my uncle Chris say hi to him and that he still owes his nephew $10
There are may more rules but we can't include them here for brevity, they are included in the big book of time travel rules VOL.-1, available at all gigantic book stores
NEXT TIME: Cool Places to visit
QNA
question by fluffymitten
Q: Your alert regarding the cheap devices transporting you in time but not space is most salient. I was testing one such device, which had good reviews, and thought I'd skip back half an hour as I'd just missed an episode of Only Connect. The spacial adjustment was woefully inaccurate and, whilst I very luckily did rematerialise on Earth, it took quite some effort to get home to Blighty from some beach in Fiji. Annoyingly, my boss at work tried to say that "a gone wrong time travel device" is not a valid reason for a week long absence from work without prior approval. Warning to fellow time travellers: check the indemnities and limit of liabilities for the device you buy; if they drop you in the wrong time and place, you too could be facing unfair dismissal from your job with no compensation.
A: we've got a union you can join. just travel to the world trade centre on September 10th 2001 and ask for 'timey mcsmartpants'. you'll wake up dazed and confused in a bathtub filled with ice and a membership card next to the sink. we meet every month at the one dennys in Alaska.
question by A time traveller
Q: I've received my time machine, how do I set the date it goes to? Please help I've just been sent into a gladiator match oh god oh god oh god AAAAAAAAA
A: this certainly explains the ancient roman tale of 'the mysterious idiotic stranger' detailing a strangely dressed person appearing in the middle of a gladiator match and dying instantly, I think they have a statue of you in Naples.
From: Ahmad Khawaja
Subj: Your Life is Actually a lie!
Yes you heard me right. You will not look at your life the same as before reading this article. Apparently throwing bones to a wolf in the wild will not tame it, unlike in the hit game Minecraft, throwing bones will result in making the wolf angry. When I tried it, and threw the bone right in the face the wolf jumped at me and mauled my face. So to conclude this masterpiece I advise you not throw bones at wolves, as there will be no pixelated hearts floating around the wolf, but your face will be severely damaged.
From: Happy Dog :D
Subj: My crush
Because everyone at my school would tell everyone at my school who I like, I need to tell someone. This is completely annonymised. I would like to say that my crush is named William. He's really nice and sweet. He's also super cute. Thats it though.
From: Dave, overlord of chaos, ruler of the mortal coil, king of heaven and hell, causer of destruction.
Subj: Dave's legion of destruction!
Are you tired of working for heaven or hell? or are you a human, tired of your 9 to 5 and kids who don't love you? Well, have I got the thing for you! Join Dave's legion of destruction today, to help me take over the world, one person at a time.
Benefits include:
- stock shares in my legion's company
- your soul is mine now (don't worry :3)
- free buffet access at Dave's House of Waffles (we bought Waffle House with our very generous donations last month)
- A 678-year Amazon Prime video subscription (because here at Dace's legion of Destruction, we eagerly await Fallout season two!)
Doesn't all that sound amazing? Well, if it does, join today, at www.daveistheoverlord.com and get a free trial today with the code: DAVE#1 !
We hope to see you soon!
-The marketing team of Dave, overlord of chaos, ruler of the mortal coil, king of heaven and hell, cause of destruction, proud owner of Waffle House Co., friend of flowers, maker of creation, leader of the legion of destruction, ect.
From: - (- cult leader)
Subj: Our Message
I have forgotten to state what our goal as a cult is.
We simply wish that the the "dash", or hyphen, become more used (and be called by name). Many often forget the hyphen in popular names, such as "Spider-Man". Hence, we have no anger towards any other cult.
- -
From: Britney Bestie
Subj: Re: We're back.
- (- cult leader) wrote:
..., apologies if I didn't) still exists, we'd like you to become out first ally. Always accepting new members. - -
This. Is. So. Slay.
I think I speak for all girlypops when I say we'd absolutely love to be a sparkle slay ally with the hyphen cult, <33
xxxxx Britney
From: mary :D
Subj: Re: Looking for knights
Hello!
My name is Mary and uh..i'm a knight?
My abilities are..uh..swordfighting and uhm...ice cream tasting. Ignore the last one.
I'll take the job, and for the payment just get me some ice cream.
Thanks.
From: regular local fellow human being knight
Subj: Re: Looking for knights
KnightOfNightshade wrote:
ACT FAST!!
Hiring 10 knights to handle some troll thing (??) Keeps biting my ankles and won't stop. Full time baby sitter
I becameth most alarmed whence I saw your notice, obviously seeing as I am most suited for the work.
To contact me simply try to pass the bridges near the village entrance and I shall appear.
Xx, Fellow human being & knight
From: Cheese Lord Kendra
Subj: Re: anything
you mom wrote:
i need to take a poop on a cheese toilet and revolt against both cheese kingdoms to there terreny
Dearest, 'you mom'
I would greatly appreciate it if you did not assault my kingdom with your excrement. Also your name does not make any practical sense to me; should it not be 'your mom.' Please take this criticism and plea into mind.
Humble Regards, Cheese Lord Kendra
From: Emperor Swissius of Mozzerellaford
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Cheese Lord Kendra
Cheese Lord Kendra wrote:
Salutations, King Cheesus of Cheddaronia I am very grateful for you apology. I too, was at fault, of having no knowledge...
...'ll accept my offer, and we can discuss this alliance in the near future.
Greetings, Cheese Lord Kendra and King Cheesus! I was unaware of the proximity of our kingdoms and accidentally intercepted the mail wagon delivering this letter! I speak for all of Mozzerellaford when I say that this discovery is monumental, and I formally invite both of you to Mozzerellaford's 30th annual Cheesefest! We shall dine in the great hall (painted by Cheedanardo Da Vincheese himself), tour the palace, and partake in the village festivities!
I hope this message reaches you both well, and I hope you are able to attend!
Say cheese! -Emperor Swissius of Mozzerellaford
From: King Cheesus of Cheddaronia
Subj: The Cheese Treaty
Cheese Lord Kendra wrote:
Salutations, King Cheesus of Cheddaronia I am very grateful for your apology. I too, was at fault, of having no knowledge...
Cheese Lord Kendra,
I do grate-fully accept your most ambitious and valiant offer for thine kingdom to be integrated with ours, I have sent my most talented bards and cheesemakers to deliver you the golden cheese. I have signed the cheese, as a reminder of whom your friends and allies are, Cheddaronia is a place of peace, but it will never hesitate to defend the glory and the prosperity of the cheese.
I hope this message finds you well, your cheesiness.
Additionally, I, King Cheesus of Cheddaronia, would like to formally invite all members of the GirlyPops, The Hyphen followers, all time travelers, as well as all 'religions' or 'cults' not explicitly stated, and even the sysadmin to my Kingdom. I personally will see to it that all 'Cult'(s) and/or 'Religions'(s) will have a place to be welcomed and accepted with open doors. This is a peaceful gathering, no outside drama or scuffles will be tolerated, this is a moment for tranquility and brotherhood (or sistership for my girlypops).
Sysadmin, we are no religion, we are a mere collective of individuals who only wish to thrive and seek connection with those whom seek the love and taste of cheese.
Signed faithfully,
King Cheesus of Cheddaronia
From: King Jala of Pepperjackonia
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Cheese Lord Kendra
Cheese Lord Kendra wrote:
Salutations, King Cheesus of Cheddaronia I am very grateful for you apology. I too, was at fault, of having no knowledge...
Gratings Cheese Lord Kendra and King Cheesus, I have noticed your alliance and we of Pepperjackonia are not pleased! This is a warning! break up the alliance or we shall set fire to the ancient T'on'gu of the Mouthe!
Heed my warning!
King Jala Pįŗ½no
From: TRIGNOME
Subj: Re: Important message for all triangles
Triangle leader wrote:
Triangles, the squares have attacked the eastside. I repeat, the squares have attacked the eastside. They are moving rapidly towards our main base. We are to defend against them. Rebuild. Be on the lookout for circles. I have received information that they plan to sneak an attack on the southside.
We must make better. I have found an ancient ritual in the deep text that allows six of our kind to turn into what is known as a "hexagon" in world lore. this power could give us what we need to not only repair our city but also retaliate. please, lord, consider this option.
From: Bastan
Subj: The holy lemen
The holy lemen is all holy and holy and worship it because it is the ultimate deity all hail the lemen
From: Greedy politician
Subj: A suggestion to all the kingdoms and cults
He noticed that there are numerous wars and cults going on in vmail from the triangles and squares, to the gnomes and knights, I provide a solution.
D E M O C R A C Y
So instead of fighting you can give all your money to me the future president because no one else is running
Sysadmin note: anything to calm down all these cults and overlords
From: anonymous
Subj: How to Ruin a Perfectly Good Day in 5 Easy Steps
Having too good of a day? Donāt worry; Iāve cooked up a foolproof guide to turning everything delightfully sideways. Ready to make your day unforgettably chaotic? Hereās how:
Start Your Morning with a Breakfast Fail: Toast some bread but accidentally set it to āturn this into a brick of charcoal.ā Bonus points if the smoke alarm goes off and your neighbors think youāre reenacting a disaster film.
Lose Your Phone in a Ridiculous Place: Maybe you leave it chilling in the fridge next to the milk, only to find it hours later, covered in your melted dignity.
Send a Wildly Misguided Text: Like, āHey, remember that one time in school? Canāt wait to see you later, alligator.ā And then realize youāve just sent it to your boss, not your friend. Promotion? Never.
Make a Bold Fashion Mistake: Stroll out proudly in socks and sandals. Brace yourself for a random strangerās cry of āIs that... legal?ā as your self-esteem wilts in the sunshine.
Try to Fix Something and Make it Worse: Your laptop stops working, so you wisely hit it in frustration, making sure it goes from āacting weirdā to āacting like a brick.ā Congrats, you now have a future-proof doorstop!
From: Who?
Subj: Unicorn atttack
Whoever this may concern, you're about to be attacked ny unicorns. Yeah, that's right. You have not been magical and whimsical enough according to our supreme unicorn leader. Tomorrow, at precisley 9:23 am (whatever your timezone), your house will be swarmed with unicorns. They shall infect you with magical energy so that your life gets better. You will no longer be able to be commit tax evasion (yes, we know you did that), and you will spit out glitter every time you cough/sneeze/hiccup. Do not try to run, we will find you :3
Goodbye.
From: Scribbled Moon
Subj: Moon
Stare at the moon Stare at the moon
Stare at the moonStare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Stare at the moon
Disconnecting...
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