13 Sep ā24
"What do you take me for, a HOOLIGAN?!"
Inbox #61
Inbox #61: 37 new messages
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From: Sysadmin
Subj: No news is good news?
Weāve not launched anything new, but above is a peek at a game thatās in the works as a follow-up to Penga.
In the meantime, do keep sending in your ridiculous Vmail contributions and follow us on Bluesky, Mastodon, Instagram & SpaceHey.
- Sysadmin
From: wacky theorist
Subj: are we real?
guys, what if all of the messages that appear here are just from fake users, and they are all just made up by sysadmin to make us think we are not alone, when in reality, we are just living a lie.
wait... then that means i'm not real?
Sysadmin note: everyone else is real but you're not, sorry about that
From: ALYSSA
Subj: YOU WILL NEVER GUESS WHAT HAPPEND
I FELL OVER.
From: Puzzle Man Guy
Subj: A difficult puzzle i made
So I've been working on a 10 part puzzle and 3 parts are done
Each part consists of about 10 steps ig.
This part is pretty hard unless your into ARGS and puzzles. My friend tested this and it is completely possible you just gotta be smart.
Also I dare the sysadmin to try this
From: Berma
Subj: Re: Re: Re: i forgot i signed up
Sysadmin note: does ANYONE remember what they signed up for?!
Yeah, of course I remember that I signed up for a newsletter about pickles. What do you take me for, a HOOLIGAN?!
From: Amy <3
Subj: I love cookie. big cookie
Recipe:
200g flour
200g sugar
1 egg
125g Butter (soft)
1 tsp baking soda
vanilla extract
- mix everything together and add toppings you like (sprinkles, chocolate chips etc. work very well!)
- bake at 160 degrees (celsius)
From: Dodo distribution INC
Subj: Time traveller Monthly NO.2
T I M E T R A V E L L E R
__ ___ __ __ __
/ |/ / ___ ___ / /_ / / / / __ __
/ /|_/ / / _ \ / _ \/ __/ / _ \ / / / // /
/_/ /_/ \___//_//_/\__/ /_//_//_/ \_, /
/___/-NO.2-UNKNOW STATUS:CHAINED-
hello and welcome to the second version of time traveller monthly! ignore the rebrand, we didn't think the formatting through that much.
Latest Updates
hello! in case you missed them, here are the most recent time-travel related news stories that have happened in the last month.
lately, a bunch of cults have been formed in this very newsletter (the one we're in not this one). one of the more prominent ones has been the 'girlypop' cult, formed at the beginning of this year, a bunch of other cults were quickly formed (like the 'hyphen' cult and the 'cheese' cult). and it escalated from there. experts say all this may be reaching critical mass, before those same experts were proven wrong via time travelling to vmail 100, where %95 of it was just cult stuff. in other news we now have an account from the first guy to look out of a time machine while in operation and retain his sanity and/or soul. this is because he was so chill he could not be fazed by pretty much anything. he described the view outside as quote: 'groovy' and finally, please tell us if all this is taking up too much space. i know it doesn't matter that much but i mean still. a-anyways that's all we have time for, see ya!
Advertising
HEY YOU!
have you ever been time travelling, but there are no clocks you can read?
WELL FEAR NOT!! we've got a product to solve all of your problem! (singular). INTRODUCING THE TIMEBOY!
With Amaaaazing features such as:
- Can read any time, no matter if you want to or not
- Anatomically correct calendar
- a bunch of blinky lights that look cool
- Measures heart rate (and increases heart rate via caffeine injections)
- powered by totally safe purified nitroglycerine core, never have your watch turn off again
All that for just 16 easy payments of 12 jars of straight petroleum, or the heart of Caesar. to order, just travel to 17th century Indonesia and look for a dirt hole with teeth. What are you waiting for! ORDER TODAY!
URGENT RECALL NOTICE
this is an announcement by everyone at Dodo distribution INC. the TIMEBOY as advertised right above this notice has been proven to basically be an improvised explosive, being highly volatile with it being ludicrously easy to detonate the nitroglycerine core and cause a explosion equal to a nuclear bomb. we know this because some idiot ran around bikini atoll with this thing and we had to cover it up, big time. we tried to prosecute the company behind the TIMEBOY, Oopsie Daisy Technology. but when we got to their offices it was just some recently abandoned office block with a 'gone fishing' sign on the door. if you are in possession of a TIMEBOY, please dispose of it in a nearby recycle bin for your own safety, thank you.
But how do people time travel? (Part 2)
no matter what model you've got, when you step into your time travel machine, you'll notice it's about the size of a closet and full of buttons and dials and the such. don't be overwhelmed! the only parts you need to worry about are the big green button, the small blue button, the LED display, the orange lightbulb, the rusty crank and about 900 other pieces. if this simple process is overwhelming you, here's a little guide if you want to go to, say, Glasgow in 1999. you would need to:
- input the date on the LCD keypad
- turn the crank (righty tighty, lefty loosey)
- kick the green button with your left foot
- squeeze the rubber duck for dear life
- wait until the really cool space noises die down and are replaced by a low hum
- put on a backwards cap and blast 'millennium' by the backstreet boys to trick the judge of time into thinking you're really from 1999
- when the hum dies down, pick up the wrench on the floor and crank the red bolt 18 degrees left, if you fail this you will not land at your destination and be stuck between times forever (or until you get bored and hit the machine a couple times to restart it).
- wait until you hear coughing and wheezing, this signifies the machine has landed and absolutely nothing else
- put on the provided gas mask and wait until the machine finishes detoxing
congrats! you've landed at your destination with only a %5 increase in your chances of cancer! but before you do anything, you need to know...
next time: the rules of time travel
QNA
nothing here
From: fluffymitten
Subj: Re: Time traveller Monthly NO.1
Nice 'zine.
Your alert regarding the cheap devices transporting you in time but not space is most salient. I was testing one such device, which had good reviews, and thought I'd skip back half an hour as I'd just missed an episode of Only Connect. The spacial adjustment was woefully inaccurate and, whilst I very luckily did rematerialise on Earth, it took quite some effort to get home to Blighty from some beach in Fiji.
Annoyingly, my boss at work tried to say that "a gone wrong time travel device" is not a valid reason for a week long absence from work without prior approval.
Warning to fellow time travellers: check the indemnities and limit of liabilities for the device you buy; if they drop you in the wrong time and place, you too could be facing unfair dismissal from your job with no compensation.
From: A time traveller
Subj: Re: Time traveller Monthly NO.1
I've received my time machine, how do I set the date it goes to? Please help I've just been sent into a gladiator match oh god oh god oh god AAAAAAAAA
From: YT
Subj: CAT
Bored lol ( My artwork btw )
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film Youāve Never Seen
No. 20: The Stranger Left No Card (1952)
No worries about the level of obscurity with this one; itās old, black & white, and hard to get hold of. Itās also probably the best short film Iāve ever seen.
A flamboyant stranger arrives in town, narrating how he attracts attention by clowning around, and soon becomes established as the local eccentric. But ā of course ā thereās more to āNapoleonā than meets the eye...
Back in Vmail #43, this film was mentioned due to it being another notable Alan Badel role. Heās incredible in this, and when Wendy Toye remade it for Tales of the Unexpected even Derek Jacobi couldnāt get anywhere near the otherworldly charm of his performance (the whole production seems sloppy in comparison with the original).
The tone, look and structure are perfect, and Swedish Rhapsody No. 1 will worm its way into your brain forever. Sometimes 23 minutes is enough for a small film to make a big impact.
The Stranger Left No Card is seemingly not available to buy/stream legally, so I donāt feel bad about slipping in a link to a dodgy copy
From: bannabread (another gnome)
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
:) wrote:
If you are reading this message you are recruited as a gnome. Help us win against the knights. We trust you to fight and honor this title.
I WILL JOIN YOUR CAUSE
DOWN WITH THE KNIGHTS
LONG LIVE THE GNOMES!!!
From: Smort the Gnome
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
LONG LIVE THE GNOMES! SCREW THE KNIGHTS! WE THE SHORT ARMY!
paint on your angy faces, gnomes. We scary. We must be feared.
From: Ella Unknown
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
Hello, is it too late to take down the knights?
From: Teal Circle M Guy
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
From: Shawn
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
GNOMES UNITE AND TAKE DOWN THE KNIGTS INCH BY INCH WE WILL MARTCH
From: Gnome general
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT
long live the gnomes
From: Miyuki
Subj: Re: THE KNIGHTS HAVE COME
PLEASE SEND HELP COMERADES!
I have been taken hostage by the enemy, I shall do my best to make haste in my escape! Though it may be trivial please assemble our troops, we shall triumph!
ps. Many of our brethren are here with me, we shall try our best to retaliate!
- a fellow gnome
From: A knight
Subj: Re: IMPORTANT GNOME PROPAGANDA LIES
in a section of the vmail prior, a gnome spreaded itās twisted and manipulative lies to the public.
Instead of following those tiny little gremlins, the knights have recruited you to join the cause in the war against the vile gnomes.
- a knoght
From: AWESOMESONGS
Subj: Awesome, Loud, Japanese Rock
Give the song "Crime and Punishment" or "Tsubi to Batsu" by Sheena Ringo a listen!
(You could also listen to Ado's cover too!)
From: thethingyoubreathein
Subj: Re: Languages and Learning
Saru wrote:
Hello fellow Vmailers! (Is that a thing? Well it is now) I've been learning 2 languages for a few months, ans started to...
i personally am learning esperanto and toki pona. im currently using lernu and duolingo for esperanto, and just some help with my friends with toki pona. ive been learning both of those languages for around the same time (2 months) and ive been talking to other speakers on discord.
ive been wanting to learn another conlang, preferably an artlang.
From: Kat <3
Subj: Re: Languages and Learning
I think language learning is one of the most important things anyone can do to understand the world they live in better! iāve been fluent in French for a number of years and recently started learning Russianā¦ itās been a humbling and difficult experience for sure but so worth it! anyway thatās all i had to say, thanks for sharing your experience <3
cheers comrade, keep up the good work
From: LYN37
Subj: Re: Languages and Learning
Do not marry a native speaker of the language you want to learn. Intimacy brings unconscious freedom and they will invariably laugh at your baby steps, thinking it cute.
Eventually you sit and understand everything being said around you but unable to say anything.
From: Alantut
Subj: Re: Languages and Learning
Hi! I love language learning
- I'm only fluent in English
- I'm self studying Mandarin but am learning Spanish in school. I know a bit of Japanese from my weeb years and am considering picking it up again (it may be too much though)
- You won't reach fluency through apps alone. Stuff like Duolingo is great for just starting out and having some review, but if you want to make quicker progress you should immerse in native content as well. I do Duolingo daily (tbh for the numbers) but I learn the most when I talk to my native speaker friend. Reach out to people, you'll learn not just the language but culture as well.
From: fluffymitten
Subj: Re: Languages and Learning
I've been trying to learn Portuguese (the OG, not that Brazilian offshoot) off and on for several years now. Absolutely rubbish at it. I keep dipping in and out, still follow (and watch) several youtubers for tips and such. I'm hoping I bump my head and wake up fluent.
From: Skylander #1 fan
Subj: Skylander Review Issue #1
Ignitor is a fire skylander, solid start.
He's a suit of armor with a flaming soul-like body inside, with a flaming hooked sword.
Design is a solid 8/10.
His voice is a 10/10, medieval and smoky.
His gameplay is fairly fun, being quick and melee, 9/10.
Figure falls apart easily, so he needs to be kept safe, otherwise, 8/10 figurine.
35/40 total!
Top tier Skylander!
From: Bean master
Subj: The beginning of The Order of Beans
This is the order of bean
The price to join us is to chuck beans at your neighbour.
Today we begin with a story but other editions might include bean awards to special members, bean photoshoot pictures, bean contests and sacrificing young children in the name of the order of beans.
In the remote village of Grimvale, there was a longstanding tradition known as the āBean Harvest Festival.ā The event was supposed to celebrate the harvest of beans, but as time went on, the festival became shrouded in mystery and unease.
Deep in the forest surrounding Grimvale, an old cult known as the āOrder of the Dark Beanā practiced their rituals in secrecy. The Order believed that beans were not just food but vessels for an ancient and malevolent force. Each year, they would infiltrate the festival, ensuring their dark ceremonies continued unhindered.
This year, something felt different. As the festival approached, the villagers noticed strange occurrences: beans appeared in odd placesāon doorsteps, in mailboxes, and even embedded in the townās cobblestone streets. The beans seemed to pulse with an unnatural energy, but most dismissed it as a prank or a coincidence.
The night before the festival, a young woman named Eliza, known for her curiosity, decided to investigate the strange events. She followed a trail of unusual beans leading deep into the forest. The trail led her to an ancient, decrepit chapel overgrown with vines and shadowed by twisted trees.
Inside the chapel, she discovered the Order of the Dark Bean in the middle of a ritual. The cultists, dressed in dark robes, were chanting in a language she didnāt understand. At the center of their ritual was a large, ornate pot filled with beans that seemed to glow with an eerie light. Surrounding the pot were strange symbols carved into the floor, pulsating with a dim, greenish glow.
Eliza watched in horror as the cultists began to chant louder. The beans in the pot started to writhe and twist, and the light from the pot grew blinding. From the beans emerged an otherworldly, shadowy figure that hovered above the altar, its presence chilling and malevolent.
Panicked, Eliza stumbled backward and accidentally knocked over a candle. The flames ignited the dry vines in the chapel, and the smoke began to fill the room. The cultists, now frenzied and desperate, tried to control the chaos, but the shadowy figure seemed to grow more powerful and enraged.
Eliza barely escaped the chapel, making her way back to the village with a sense of impending dread. She warned the villagers, but they were skeptical, dismissing her claims as the ramblings of an overactive imagination.
On the night of the festival, as the villagers celebrated, the shadowy figure from the chapel emerged from the forest. The once-harmless beans now seemed to have a life of their own, causing panic and chaos throughout the town. The entity wreaked havoc, leaving a trail of destruction in its wake, while the cultists retreated into the shadows, their ritual a dark success.
In the aftermath, the village of Grimvale was left in ruins. The Order of the Dark Bean vanished into the forest, and the once-celebrated Bean Harvest Festival was abandoned, leaving behind only whispers of the horrors that occurred. The villagers learned too late that the seemingly innocent beans held a dark secret, and the eerie presence they had unleashed would haunt Grimvale for generations to come.
- The Order Of Beans
From: Goose_in_pants
Subj: Re: world history tee hee
bemo wrote:
I dare you to describe world history in just 4 words.
For example:
"KNOCK KNOCK. IT'S EUROPE."
NO ONE EXPECTS PESTILENCE
From: Void
Subj: Re: world history tee hee
Britain took everyone's things.
From: Vina
Subj: Re: world history tee hee
"BRED EXPENSIVE, PEASANTS ANGY."
From: The guy
Subj: Re: world history tee hee
"Then there's that guy" would be a good contender
From: Grayson
Subj: Re: NEPHEW'S DRAWING
Dingo wrote:
Rate my nephew's drawing of me :-)
I rate it 1 7/10. I cant even do that, to me, its the mona lisa! Tell your nephew his drawing his awesome. Hope you dont look like that in real life lol
From: JT.
Subj: Just chilling
Just chilling at the mountains
From: Kergan
Subj: Re: conspiracy conjectures
space goat wrote:
since everyone seems to be in a conspiracy-y mood lately, reply to this with your favorite conspiracy theory
Without a doubt, my favorite actual conspiracy theory is Phantom Time. According to proponents of this theory, Holy Roman Emperor Otto III basically artificially advanced the calendar 300 years, making up everything from 600 to 900 AD (Charlemagne included) in an effort to legitimize his claim as emperor!
Some even took it a step further, including Anatoly Fomenko, who insists to this day that writing was only invented around 600 AD, that "Rome" was just a word meaning "big ancient city", that Jesus was actually born in 1152 AD, that Troy and Jerusalem are one and the same, and that somehow the Hagia Sofia is the actual Temple of Solomon.
Very weird but also kinda fun to read about!
From: King Cheesus of Cheddaronia
Subj: Re: Cheese Lord Kendra
Kendra wrote:
Pardon me, sir or mam'n, but I do believe that I'm actually the self-proclaimed Cheese Lord. I have been the Lord of the...
... or content with your declaration. Please refrain from referring to yourself as the Cheese Lord. My best regards, Kendra
Gratings, Cheese Lord Kendra
I do apologize I had nor have no intention of intruding on your activities of any sort. I must admit I was swissfully unaware that any other cheese kingdoms were in place. I just say, I have total respect for the members of your prestigious community. I propose that not only we declare peace with one another, but that we may coexist and assist one another in any future endeavors. I feel as though the cheese should be spread across the land far and wide, I see few options better than to combine our cheesiness.
From this point forth, if accepted, Cheddaronia will accept any and all sovereign citizens from the Cheese Lord's kingdom as its own and they will be welcomed with open arms, I do ask of you to think this over thoroughly prior to acceptance, there is no string cheese attached, only friendship. Additionally, I will ask of my royal band to deliver you the golden cheese. A token of our friendship.
For all that is Gouda,
King Cheesus of Cheddaronia
From: the TV council
Subj: j o i n u s
mission:
create a TV head
wear it somewhere public
further instructions later
do you accept?
- yes
- no
From: :)
Subj: MSCHF is better
MSCHF is better then vole.
Sysadmin note: if someone gives us $11.5M of funding too then we'll try to do better
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