07 Mar ’22

"throwing eggs at a small dog tied to a stake"

Inbox #6: 18 new messages

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From: hog ridaaaaaa
Subj: cheescake

do you guys like cheescak? i do :). cheeskak good,very very good. :)


From: @sennydreadful
Subj: The Price

"\.\.\.with her cup of tea in hand"

Daniel kept the pig foetuses in the deep freeze, next to a side of beef and a tub of Neapolitan.
His Nan got them out when she needed them, although defrosting them was a chore. That morning, the Estate was in an uproar thanks to a stabbing in the underpass, and Daniel could feel all eyes on Number 72, all waiting for his Nan to do something about it. But she insisted on dealing with the smaller requests first.
“They called me names. Bad names,” said the girl, lost in her school uniform, bought large so she’d grow into it. Nan nodded and patted the girl’s knee, and told Daniel to put the kettle on. Some sniffling and bourbon biscuits later, and Nan had all the information she needed.
“Be a good girl and tell your mum that’ll be a fiver. Things will be sorted by Friday. If she has any of her ginger cake left I wouldn’t say no,”

By tea time there was a crowd outside Nan’s door. The pensioner involved had died leaving a grieving widow and police crawling all over the Estate. Daniel couldn’t tell which they found more upsetting.
The price, she warned them, would be dear. They did not care.
The sacrifice would not be one of their own, she told them, but it would be on their heads. They did not care.
“Bring your dogs then,” she told them, and Daniel shivered to hear that tone in her voice.
In the underground car park at midnight they were all there; fluorescent lights making the Rottweilers and Alsatians roll their eyes and strain at their leashes. The tiny thing on the gritty floor was still partly frozen, and Nan muttered about cold fingers as she daubed it with the paints and oils, but the animals still made short work of it when they were released.

Nan was tired the next morning, and looking older than her years. She jabbed at the TV remote with numb fingers until the news flickered into life, and Daniel stood behind her with her cup of tea in hand. Distraught parents spoke at a news conference, while photographs of a smiling girl child were flashed across the screen to jog memories.
Nan tutted into her tea.
“The price is too high.”

On the edges of the Estate walked Mitchell Jones, a knife in his coat pocket and a certain hunger in his stomach that gnawed like rats. He made to turn towards the dark and secluded byways of the Estate. There was easy money to be made there. The right look, the precise way of standing, and he wouldn’t even have to get the knife out. But instead Mitchell Jones found his feet leading him away from the Estate, and his mind slid seamlessly instead to another likely place down the road, where the alleys were dark and the pickings were easier. In seconds he’d forgotten he’d ever been there.


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Elbows

Person who wonders if anyone’s ever managed to lick there elbow wrote:

Has anyone ever managed to lick there elbow. I’m serious.

Yes. I had a dislocated shoulder at the time and do not recommend it.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Elbows

Elbow licker

Person who wonders if anyone’s ever managed to lick there elbow wrote:

Has anyone ever managed to lick there elbow. I’m serious.

Yeah I've got a mate that can. Kinda hard to explain how but I've attempted to draw it. He used to used it as an ice breaker when chatting up girls in clubs but it didn't work well as he looked really grotesque doing it.


From: mark
Subj: Re: Elbows

Person who wonders if anyone’s ever managed to lick there elbow wrote:

Has anyone ever managed to lick there elbow. I’m serious.

There's a mysterious curve in the space-time continuum just next to where my bins go and elbow-licking is all I've ever used it for.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Update

Mr. cheese wrote:

I have got a cheese car

That’s nothing I’ve got the cheese cars and I’m a fighter pilot and I fly in my cheese plane and it goes a million miles and hour


From: Kairo
Subj: accidental collision!


oh no-  
category 3 2 san andreas  
  [bombs, smoke, crumbling] and  
earth to Saturn  
i think perhaps maybe i could have  
  fallen? falling,  
tumbling, spiraling, arms  
out wide and reaching into darkness  
how in all my better judgement  
did this happen?

the hands shift about the face, unsure  
  is that right?  
i am entangled, spinning-  
snared, hunting-  
polarized, laughing, due north-  
  i fear this in me  
terrible, surely.


From: The Musk of an Elon whatever that is
Subj: Re: Re: The most dangerous game

Mark “the man” Mann wrote:

Up for this I can run in a zig zag fast,here is my special DeLuxe list you can pay for: - wotsits multipack - turkey ...

Excellent. Then let the games begin. be outside your local post office at 2am on the third night after the next full moon. You will be collected by an albino man in a face mask driving a black limousine with heavily tinted windows and no number plate. If he does not show up, which is likely, just get an Uber or bus or something and you can invoice me.

Also do you consider an aquamarine bath mat to count as green?


From: mal
Subj: Re: Re: The most dangerous game

Mark “the man” Mann wrote:

Up for this I can run in a zig zag fast,here is my special DeLuxe list you can pay for: - wotsits multipack - turkey ...

... not frozen pizza - doritos chili - multi dips for doritos - bathroom mat not pink or green - sarah lee chocolate cake

looking forward to next week's all-shopping-list newsletter, nothing but shopping lists and lists of shopping lists.


From: Mr. Trambling The Trambler
Subj: Waltzing Matilda

This is a dog, perhaps the greatest of dogs\.

Gaze deeply and forever be changed.


From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 3

DAY ZERO - December 19, 2011

All six of the café's morning employees left in a minivan. Robin Law, Cody, Kyle, Nathan, Jewel, Mary, and Chris.

Jewel drives on, completely leaving the café in shambles, some of the dead are already leaving the café, one of them being an older man. They drive to the gas station that's not too far down the road. Jewel has an extra two gas cans in the back of the minivan along with some food that she recently bought. They finally reach the gas station, there's also a warehouse almost directly behind the gas station. They finally reach the gas station.

Cody and Kyle get out, open the back of the minivan, lug the two gas cans out of the back, one of which is full. Kyle didn't expect the one that he grabbed to be full, so he accidentally drops it on the ground. The contents of the gas can spill all over the bumper of the minivan and both the back tires. Kyle picks up the spilled gas can and follows along with Cody, who is already filling up his gas can.

The station owner runs out the glass doors with a shotgun. He yells "What in the world are y'all doing?" Kyle responds, "Uh, well... it's extremely complicated, the café that we work at has recently been taken over by a bunch of... zombies." The station owner looks confused, "What in the... zombies do not exist, did you know that?" Cody has already filled his can, he hands the nozzle over to Kyle.

"Now wait a second there before you fill up that can of yours." Kyle doesn't press the lever, he stands there awkwardly hunched over. Kyle says to the owner "I'm being dead ser-" one of the dead runs up behind Kyle and pushes him to the ground, Kyle's hand squeezes the lever, spewing gasoline all over the concrete. The zombie jumps onto Kyle's back and starts digging at him. Cody quickly grabs the empty gas can, which is covered in gasoline, and puts it into the back of the already doused minivan.

The station owner runs inside of his shop. He must be terrified, Robin thinks, the apocalypse beginning suddenly and already a man is outside his shop, being... never mind. Cody hops into the back of the minivan and slams the door shut as he hops into the back. Jewel peels out of there and starts driving to each person's home to grab their stuff.

By the time they reach their final destination, Jewel's home, the dead have most likely started and probably succeeded in taking over downtown. Jewel lives off of CA-41 in a nice, log house. Her father built it for her. When they pull up to Jewel's house they all get out and start to grab their stuff from the back. For some odd reason, Cody doesn't seem to be sad, it's most likely the adrenaline, Robin tells himself.

Jewel unlocks the front door for Robin, Cody, Nathan, Mary, and Chris to go inside. We should be safe here, Robin thinks. The sun is already setting as everyone settles down to go to bed.

The day before the apocalypse breaks out nationally has officially ended. No one saw this coming, especially not the guard that was sleeping when he should've been listening.

(Next newsletter I'll probably post a short story, y'know, take a small break from "the apocalypse")


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

an ornament with a dragon throwing eggs at a small dog

I bought this ornament from a charity shop for 50p a very long time ago. It still gives me the WTFs whenever I look at it.

You've got the dragon, apparently throwing eggs at a small dog tied to a stake. I think scale is a problem, as well as the concept of course. And when you accept the weirdness, that's when you see the small dead mouse off at the side. Was it hatched from an egg, or murdered by one?

I welcome any insights.


From: Al Napp
Subj: Re: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

My disembodied head

My MIL got me this for Christmas one year. No context, she just did.

It's made from Papier mache, made from someone's quite advanced geometry notes.


From: Matt
Subj: Morbison

Seeing as we're doing Roy Orbison content, here is a series of short stories fantasising about the late crooner being wrapped in clingfilm for erotic purposes


From: Tiberius Fnood
Subj: Does she love me?

When I was young and my heart was an open book I used to wonder if Laura in my class fancied me. I was 10. She was very pretty.

I sat across the classroom for her in the Class Six classroom, what would now be referred to as Year 5. But this was the 80s so we had none of that horseplay.

Anyway she was the first time I had found a girl to be anything other than silly and girly and I was contending with New Thoughts about how nice it might be to hold her hand or similar.

I wondered if she liked me too. I had no evidence at all that she did but I wanted to find out. So I hatched a cunning plan to see if she was looking at me. I knew it would be bad to stare at her even though I wanted to because I liked her face, so instead I picked a spot just above and to the left of her where I could look at the wall but at the same time detect if she looked at me. If she looked at me that would mean she fancied me obviously.

I did this for a day or so whenever the class activities allowed. Until disaster struck!

Laura’s friend Katy shouted over “Why do you keep staring at the wall just near Laura, Tiberius?”

I thus went bright red and imploded, mumbling the lie “I’m not”. I couldn’t believe they had seen through my ruse.

I never got with her, although I did eventually get my first girlfriend at the age of 28, and now I am married to her.


From: Roman Totale XVII
Subj: Re: The fish man has arrived

Fish Man wrote:

He has come, fear him for he does not fear you, the fish man does not feel pain, the fish man does not feel sadness, he ...

... for its inability to make peace. The fish man will only leave until everybody was parished. The fish man is here.

I'm interested in what process the fish man would use to parish everyone. Might he, for example, use star signs to divide everyone into their allotted parish or, and I doubt this, would he use a simple algorithm?

Are the parishes pre-existing or would he make up new ones?

Who would govern the parishes?



From: anonymous
Subj: What is this?!

Mystery creature

It won't let go of my finger and I can feel some sucking


From: Z3ha
Subj: iM sMaRt

SmArT sO sMaRt YA So SmArT s m a r t


m Challenge (to scared TO DO IT!?)
put an image here and make this message look decorated







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