28 Mar ’24

"Gratings, my fellow Cheese Enthusiasts"

Inbox #54: 29 new messages


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From: Sysadmin
Subj: Bag it and bin it

Dog Poo Golf

Our new 3D sports game Dog Poo Golf features Wii-style graphics & sound, a choice of small/medium/large dog, and gameplay that demands skill & judgement.

It’s also packed with little details to discover, including a couple of hidden features...

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: 50% off ALL lard!

Anonymous wrote:

Why. WHY. WHYYYYYYY

You know that a crap ton of people already ordered buckets of lard, including me

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From: Volvox Observer
Subj: net art wanted

a small sugar maple

Open Call
Net artists, thinkers, creatives, designers...

This year Volvox Observer intends to produce digital experiences with creatives from around the world. We're interested in experimenting with what artistic contemporary communication can look like.
Do you have an idea you're passionate about that could be made into an interactive web experience?
An essay, game, photo/video, experimental art...
Email hello@volvox.observer with your pitch.

Pitch Guide
Please include your name, a working title for your idea, a summary (<300 words) of your idea, your portfolio, and list your top 3 favourite websites. Please note this is an unfunded and unpaid passion project.

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From: Martian
Subj: Re: canva lady

majonsasseee lover wrote:

i recently made a very pretty lady on canva, what do you thik of her?

;P

OMG slayyyyy
You should add elephant ears and a long tongue to her

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From: Britney Bestay
Subj: Re: canva lady

OFFICIAL GIRLYPOP BADGE

OMG THIS IS SUCH A GIRLYPOP, GIRLYPOP. This is the pinnacle of girlypopping and girlbossery and very much a sparkle slay

- XOXO gossip Girlypop

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From: Hoochalobster
Subj: Re: canva lady

woman made of different bits of clip art in different styles

Fun times!

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From: Dribbling_Loon
Subj: Predictive Potato

The No Potato

Several years ago, whilst on the toilet, I came up with a genius alternative to the Magic-8 Ball. Not wanting to infringe any copyrights, I set about making my creation, which I named "The No Potato".

The idea is simple. The No Potato will provide answers to SOME of your questions. To ask the No Potato a question, simply write the word "No" on both sides of your chosen spud. Throw it into the air and ask away. When it lands, as if by magic, your answer will be displayed on the tuberous item in your hands.

There is a bit of a learning curve: You will soon discover that questions that result in a one word negative answer work best, but have a go, see how you get on. I have already successfully used mine to as questions such as "Does my pet whelk like having the name 'Thucydides'?" and "Are Rich Tea biscuits made of hummus?"

Individual potatoes can be supplied at £6.87 each, if you don't have any of your own.

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From: Simo
Subj: Re: What are some jokes that you guys know?

Your average human wrote:

What do you get when you cross a pig and a cactus? ... A porkupine

What’s worse than to find a worm in your apple? Getting robbed.

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From: a comedy
Subj: Re: Joke

two guys walked into a bar.

the third guy ducked.

yes i am aware this joke sucks

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From: Bagpuss
Subj: Have a pint with me.

A screenshot of bagpuss.org

It was time that my decades-old website that I used to promote a selection of my nonsense output was retired, so I made a new one. But it runs slower than my walking pace after 8 pints, and actually using it feels like a perpetual hangover. Which is a coincidence, because it is tenuously based around beermats and pints!

Still, I like the atmosphere, and the rings left behind after your pint are quite satisifying. And ultimately some the content that it sends you to is reasonably good. Some of it.

bagpuss.org

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From: tal
Subj: i pod™

i pod™

so i was in the park listening to music on my Sony™ MZ-N1™ (Dark Blue™), when a guy came up to me and said "do you even i pod™?"

so i went on the internet and found out about this thing called an i pod™. it's slightly bigger than my Sony™ MZ-N1™ (Dark Blueplayer but has a lot more songs on it, so naturally i had to get it.

it has really improved my workflow and has made me many many friends. i would recommend an i pod™ to everyone, especially if they get the matching i dog™. thank you for your time.

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From: Ethan, EX-Royal Guard for Little Frogs & Mushrooms C.O
Subj: Re: Vmail government

Scribboey wrote:

So uh we got 12 responses and everyone said yes to being a citizen so we have a population of 12 58% of us are girls 42...

...) Sysadmin note: we refuse to accept the legitimacy of this new government and our imperial palace is heavily guarded

Hollo, Ze Sysadmin scum refuse to accept legitimacy. I join the cause and wish to attack. May commence? If so, I place 3 dandelions upon ground of the Sysadmins. May happiness reign against Sysadmin's Tyranny.

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From: space monkey mafia
Subj: monarchy is underrated

the monarchy functioned for centuries as the only form of government in almost every nation. countries like france and italy believed that, while the monarch was only a man or woman like any other citizen, the monarchy itself was a god given right and the king or queen must be protected and upheld on the strength of it. meanwhile britain was killing their king or whatever, but my point is, that it is somewhat ungrateful to utterly cast aside the monarchy as something unthinkable after so many centuries of active service. i would like to put forward the idea of something of a democratic monarchy, wherein the monarch does not have full power and is somewhat hampered by a fairly elected congress and senate, but nevertheless exists as a sort of living standard for the people to rally around. (no,not like the russian revolution at all.) i would like to recommend this form of government for the newly founded Vmail Government.
Thank You.

space monkey mafia

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From: Pedro (pronouncing the "e" as "ay")
Subj: Re: Vmail government

With a sword, the knight points at the camera.

We never were and never will be! Your civilization is going to collapse very soon! Glory to the kingdom of Vmail!

(Photo by Daisa TJ on Pexels)

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From: The Hyphen Cult
Subj: Praise Be The Hyphen

The Hyphen

Join the hyphen cult and praise the hyphen the hyphen is superior to all and the hyphen is the only pure thing in this world.
To inquire follow the hyphen
Found at these usernames on various internet places
TheHyphenCult
HyphenCult
And since the hyphen cult email was deleted you can reach out at the new one: bot.clyde.ai@gmail.com
(It won’t let me use any other hyphen related things for some reason so that’s just another repurposed email)
Have a good day
And Praise Be The Hyphen

-The Hyphen Cult

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From: Extraordinary Ethan
Subj: Re: Re: Hey girlypops

anonymous wrote:

Omg slay! That is sooo girliepop of you to make a cult! I would absolutely LOVEEEE to join <3 consider this my ...

... note: we accept no liability if this turns into one of those dodgy cults that get documentaries made about them*

OMG!!!! I would love to join as well! This group is SOOOO Girlypop!<3 So, how's the girlies doing?

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From: shady dude
Subj: vmail cult

this place of vmail'iens is too boring, so i'm starting a cult for anyone who wants to join. i'm unsure what will come of it or what well do, but it now exists.

Sysadmin note: this cult and revolution stuff is getting a bit much, you all need to calm down a bit

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From: Cheesus
Subj: Gratings

Gratings, my fellow Cheese Enthusiasts.
I have been observing you for a long time now. But today I finally decided to post. My first question is this: Will you join me in becoming my Cheesy friends? Cheesians, if you will. My second question: What is your favorite kind of cheese? and why is that your favorite kind?
Farewell for now... I will be back soon

Sysadmin note: this’d better not be some kind of cheesy cult/revolution

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From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

Kenji Sugimoto and Thomas Harvey look at Einstein’s brain in a jar

No. 14: Relics: Einstein's Brain (1994)

One evening in 1994, I was on my own in the house and settled down in front of the TV, ending up on BBC2.

A documentary was following Japanese professor Kenji Sugimoto on a quest to discover where Albert Einstein’s brain had ended up after his death. Over the next hour my jaw dropped and my mind was boggled.

The trail eventually leads to Thomas Harvey, initially thought dead, who brings out jars containing the brain then cuts a piece off on the kitchen chopping board to give as a souvenir. Sugimoto celebrates in a karaoke bar, and it’s revealed that Harvey is now an elderly apprentice in a factory.

It all seemed too perfectly bizarre, too on-the-nose... and was being broadcast on April Fools’ Day. I sat bemused, not knowing what to think; no one I knew caught it and I couldn’t simply look it up online.

It took years to fully confirm that yes, it was 100% real. You can watch it on YouTube; even though I’ve spoiled the ending, it’ll still be one of the oddest things you’ve ever seen.

Next time: the end is nigh!

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From: Music Lover
Subj: What music do u like “

The song

I like 夜に駆ける by Yoasobi

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From: indian gal
Subj: ._. bored at home

my exams just ended and idk what to do- need suggestions. i wanna read so gimme recs. trying to read nonfic/self-help these days because i read too much fiction. also um any jee people here?
toodles

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From: Tommy timster
Subj: Re: codfish

Salmonfish

Salmonfish

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From: Vex
Subj: General Advice.

Hey! I'm a new user to the Vole.wtf website, btw I love it! I'm currently a senior in high school, as I'm doing good overall with it and friends/peers. However, I've been struggling with maintaining my school life just in keeping stuff caught up and turned in on time, along with keeping up with work and family. And well also, my overall health and wellbeing. While I'm trying to keep my physical health in good shape, since it's going downhill. Along with staying on track with family and things going on within it, since I've heard that my grandfather is on his deathbed, and that's been worrisome. As well as staying on schedule with personal work that is among me and my friends (it's a roleplay server on Discord that I direct and narrate for). In overall, I've been stressing out with that and the only way I cope with it is just by ignoring my stress and forcing myself to remain calm and happy, which I am aware of not being healthy whatsoever.

With all of that being said, I could really use some advice with managing all of this. Or even just life advice in general, please.

Sincerely, Vex

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From: anonymous
Subj: Calling 119 GONE WRONG!

a picture of an upside down police car

Today was (not) Opposite Day, I (purposely) stubbed my toe, it (didn't) hurt.
So, I (didn't) call 119 because it was (not) an emergency.
(Not) a while later, there was (not) an upside down police car that (didn't) come to my house.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!

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From: jay
Subj: "daft"

hello, the people of Vole.WTF or as I will be referring to you all as Volers. (Then again this could just be one guy doing all of this which would be quite impressive, good on you if that is the case.) I am from across the pond I will be using state words my deepest apologizes, I also don't have amazing typing skills, sorry! I would like to compliment you on Voleflix, it was very interesting to explore, and I found the content quite cool considering some of the films are nearly 100 years old. my favorite of the mini games though was probably 17th century death Roullet, I appreciate old things, such as art, fashion, architecture, mythos, and sometimes battles/wars, I am typing this in a dress I made for a renaissance festival. I find this website very cool. at the moment I do not have any ideas for things to add to the website but if I do I will probably email. then again, I will probably email for fun.
Luke warm regards
-JAy

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From: A really cool guy
Subj: look at my cat!!!1

photo of cat

Wow, isn't he cute!

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From: silly man
Subj: Re: Re: social experimnt

speggati!1!!11!

Random Stranger on the streek #1 wrote:

My favorite vegitatble. Vegittable? Vegatible? Idk is probly bread beacuse i like that bread

mi favrite vegitable. vegittable? vegatibla? it are ppropaply speggati cuase it are slymi and yammi.

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From: aneko
Subj: Re: frickin frick

Joey wrote:

I wanna quit school and stay home all day carving. It teaches me patience and I love giving people fairy doors and ...

... blah. I tend to learn all life lessons the hard way. How long can I procrastinate on school before sh_t hits the fan?

I think quitting school is a good idea. you could stream on twitch

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From: Josh weeden
Subj: Fav train horn

KLEINN 230 BLACK BEAST TRIPLE TRAIN HORN

PLEASE reply with your favorite model of train horn my favorite is Kleinn 230. It sucks and I need a better favorite train horns. Moedel.

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