24 Jan ’24

"what has two many legs & lives in a tower?"

Inbox #52: 30 new messages

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From: Sysadmin
Subj: delicious and nutritious

tin o' VOLE

There’ll soon be some new stuff on the site for us to go on about, but in the meantime here’s the usual sloppily-prepared dish of dubious ingredients for you to chew on while pulling a strange facial expression...

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: anonymous
Subj: social experimnt

thjois is a social experiment

uuhm..., wghat is ur favotrite veggitable?
veggytable? veg-e-table... eh, nvm


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Hey girlypops

Official girliepop <3

Britney Bestie wrote:

Hey Girlypops (that's you <3) , Britney the *slay queen* bestie boo here. I was wondering <3. Would like anyone ...

Omg slay! That is sooo girliepop of you to make a cult! I would absolutely LOVEEEE to join <3 consider this my application :) anyways I’m just going to assume that I joined this slay “group” already so if anyone’s reading this, you should totes join it would be like, soooo much fun girliepops! Anyways have a good week queenssss!

Sysadmin note: we accept no liability if this turns into one of those dodgy cults that get documentaries made about them


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: gorkle

a plate of two fried eggs

groob wrote:

i wanna eat a fried egg

Did you do it?


From: Random person on the internet
Subj: Re: gorkle

I too want to eat a fried egg


From: lettuce
Subj: Re: gorkle

me too


From: oracle
Subj: Re: gorkle

would like a fried egg too please


From: kitter
Subj: Re: gorkle

me when fried egg

groob wrote:

i wanna eat a fried egg

oh meh god, meh toos!!!!!


From: tu madre
Subj: Re: gorkle



From: Half-Scut
Subj: Re: gorkle

finish off cooking a fried egg with a spoonful of water and a lid over the frying pan. it steams the yolk and stops it being too runny and spilling out on to such as your tie when you bite the eggy sarnie.


From: Feathers
Subj: Dill

A Christmas ornament made from gherkins

Did anyone else have to make a pickle ornament for Christmas??
I did


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: New Year’s resolutions

It’s that time of year again when I set myself unattainable goals so that I can then look back on them next Christmas and realise that I’m a failure. Anyway this year’s are:

  1. eat a whole wheel of brie in one sitting
  2. learn to do a proper cartwheel (ideally without putting my hand into a pile of dog’s mess and coming a cropper)
  3. write a sitcom about a plumber with an addiction to heroin who meets a veterinarian and is then caught stealing his ketamine, but they end up falling in love and trying to make a life for themselves on a houseboat on the river Trent (WITH HILARIOUS RESULTS)
  4. get my boiler fixed so I don’t have to take the cover off for the heating to work
  5. perfect my fried egg technique

I think that five is a good number of resolutions and I think they’re at least attainable this year. What do you all have?


From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

Robert Powell in Asylum

No. 12: Asylum (1972)

The late ’60s to early ’70s was the golden age of daft-but-fun British portmanteau horror films, with Amicus alone producing seven including this fave from writer Robert Bloch (Psycho) and director Roy Ward Baker (A Night to Remember, Quatermass and the Pit), along with a great cast (Robert Powell, Sylvia Sims, Richard Todd, Barry Morse, Peter Cushing, Charlotte Rampling, Herbert Lom).

Unlike Three Cases of Murder (inbox 43), there’s a proper framing device that ties it all together (no Eamonn Andrews, no “they were dead all along!”), but it’s not exactly sensitive stuff - a new doctor at an asylum for “the incurably insane” is challenged to identify the former boss who’s now a patient, visiting a series of candidates and hearing their stories. You’re not going to find a nuanced exploration of mental health issues here.

The stories are daft but entertaining, with the final Herbert Lom interview blending seamlessly into a delightfully over-the-top ending making great use of Modest Mussorgsky’s music.

Maybe you need to have grown up on cheesy old horror films to fully appreciate this kind of thing? I’m not sure, but if you have that tendency it’s one of the best.

Asylum is available on Blu-ray but seemingly tricky to stream, you can probably find it on the YouTubes

Next time: making friends isn’t easy


From: #$&&^^#)(*}|"';.';,":>]
Subj: ||}{:":><>?&^%$#@)%$_+_




From: Mentos Mori
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

Mark wrote:


A skeleton walks into a bar
He goes up to the bartender
he says
"I'll have a whiskey, and a mop"

its better in person i swear


From: Jimmy Numbers
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

Hello I have two original jokes for you
Joke #1:
Q: what has two many legs & lives in a tower?
A: Horse Rapunzel

Joke #2:
Q: what do you get if you cross a doppelganger with a market?
A: Doppelgarket


From: manda
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

I’ve been bothering my friends with this one recently.

What kind of fish should you hire to build your house? A CARP-enter

Once you get tired of that, you can also say
“None, fish don’t have hands”


From: Frill the Octopus
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

What did the dirt say to the worm...?

Don't eat me you dirty worm!


From: Hehehe
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

What dudnthe duck say to the cat after the cat told a joked?
-You quacked me up.


From: malzer
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

What's brown and sticky? A stick


From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: Re: Jokes helpline

Why did the dalek cross the road?
Because it had exterminated all the chickens.


From: Larry's Lard Emporium
Subj: 50% off ALL lard!

Our lard factory- Where the magic happens

Hi folks, Larry here. I've recently been investing into the lard business, and my vats are overflowing with fatty goodness! That's why we need you to help us clear them out. All of our lard will be 50% off until February 30, so grab what you can while supplies last! To celebrate this amazing offer, we'll be offering free lard buckets to anyone who texts BROKE to 203-249-4311.

-Only the finest,
Larry's Lard Emporium


From: anonymous
Subj: It started with an unseemly squabble

Your Magnificences,

The Internet, as you might know, is a seething bowl of hatred. Arguments are de rigeur and other French phrases meaning something or other. As a matter of course One is likely to be involved in some kind of squabble or another. While squabble sounds like some kind of game fowl, the squab, it is, in fact, an unseemly bout of petty exchanges.

As a matter of standard operating processes, One became embroiled in the hurly burly of one such debate. A mild and good natured affair, by standards of the Internet. But it resulted in an outburst from mine own keyboard. When the clattering had completed, the words were as follows...

"And then did the sky darken and the wind fall. For it was snack time in the Land of Kalif O'Near and the Dark Overlord ZugZug Wugga Catzugian had heard the chants of the Fan See Assnack Cult. The skies did darken. The air did thicken. And lo! Lo, did there fall many Fries of France from the skies. Golden, crisp, roasting, Fries. And the Cult of Fan See Assnack did rejoice. And then the Fries did begin to smite the brows of the Faithful and strike the skin of the Unfaithful. And all around the land of Kalif O'Near was transformed to an endless sea of Fires. And the twisted bodies, crushed beneath the weight of the rain of Fries were rendered unto madness. For Dark Overlord ZugZug Wugga Catzugian had invited other Dark Overlords for "Dirty Chips" - a meal of European Origin where Fries were covered in a layer of condiments and consumed while watching television. It seemed like a nice break from being the Eater of Worlds. Thus were the peoples of the Land of Kalif O'Near eaten while binge watching Dark Overlord Daytime TV."

While prolix, the outburst caught the eye, or ear, or tentacle, of one Deqster who immediately - and quite generously, One thought - recorded an impromptu audiovisual feast which is worth watching for no other reason than it is a testament to the best way that Yo uTu be can work. For fun. For the sheer joy of taking seriously the Dark Overlord ZugZug Wugga Catzugian and their machinations to take over the World - or the centre isle of Lidl or some such. I recommend having a listen to Deqster for having transformed words into something just a little more special than mere words.

Yrs & c.
sur Hubert Huzzah (postmortuarist)


From: tal
Subj: minidisc

two sony minidisc players, next to a pair of sony headphones

hi guys, do you like my minidisc players? i heard it's the most high tech way to listen to music and invested a lot of money in it :)

  • tal


From: Scribbley
Subj: Dear vmail diary #1


Sup my vmailers!!!! It's me Jaden or scribbley and I'm here to talk to you about stuff. Like I do on my podcast witch you should like check out Check out my podcast, The Everything Bagel, on Spotify for Podcasters: anchor.fm/theeverythingbagell but anyway this internet email thing has clearly gone off the rails recently as you all can tell so to like the 10 people still reading this email thing we should like start a government



From: Death
Subj: Bearer of Destiny's Mantle: The Chosen One

Greetings, mortal. I am the harbinger of fate, the eternal shadow that doth traverse the realms of existence. Behold, I am Death, and mine gaze hath fallen upon thee. The sands of thy mortal hourglass run thin, and the hour of reckoning draws nigh.

Prepare thyself, for I, the reaper of souls, shalt come for thee with a scythe forged in the fires of eternity. In the tapestry of life, I weave the final threads, and thy destiny is entwined with the inevitability of the cosmic dance.

Thine earthly existence, like a flickering candle in the night, shall soon be extinguished by the breath of the eternal abyss. Fear not, for I am but the guide to the afterlife, where mysteries unravel and the essence of thy being finds its place in the grand design.

As the medieval winds whisper tales of yore, so too do they carry the news of thy impending encounter with the inescapable. The echoes of thy deeds, both virtuous and tainted, reverberate in the corridors of fate, guiding me to thee.

Prepare thy soul, mortal, for the journey that lies ahead. Whether thy path leads to the celestial realms or the shadowed abyss, I, Death, am the shepherd that shall guide thee across the threshold of eternity. Embrace the unknown, for it is the destiny that awaits all who tread the mortal plane.

In shadows and echoes, I shall await our appointed meeting. Until then, mortal, may thy days be filled with purpose and thy nights with peaceful slumber.

With eternal vigilance,

((Please forward me your address and bank details and I shall get back to you.))


From: Andrew
Subj: Re: Re: Re: my cat

A tuxedo cat loafing and a mostly black with white ruff cat sitting up on a sofa

Wren wrote:

this is Nibblet. She will nibble your french fries

This is Joxer and Gabrielle, ensuring that the new sofa's ownership is in no doubt.


From: anonymous
Subj: Sad cat


This here is a cat. A sad cat. The sad cat is evaporating. Stop the evaporation of the sad cat. Do not look in its eyes. I repeat, DO NOT LOOK IN ITS EYES.


From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: hang on I've read these before Re: THE REAL TRUTHS

that one conspiracy theorist wrote:

My good friends I have deemed it time to share the real truths of this world that we live in. There is no such thing as ...

Hang on, unless you're Andy Riley* you just stole most/ all? of those (the narnia one might be original) from that Great Lies To Tell Small Kids book by *the bloke who did that cartoon book of bunny suicides.

(blimey, that book's nearly 20 years old & Bunny Suicides is from at least 21 years ago)

Sysadmin note: we take plagiarism very seriously and have dispatched a team of 17 clowns on laughing gas to investigate


From: Finn
Subj: foxmail #5

viewer looking down on a fennec fox laying on the floor, its big ears pointed downwards

I've let y'all down, there was no fox in the last inbox. Have a fennec being "all ears".



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