06 Nov ’23

"he crouches in front of an old fan heater"

Inbox #50: 29 new messages

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From: Finn
Subj: foxmail #4

an arctic fox wearing a party hat over its snout

Happy #50 VMAIL! Even small milestones shall be celebrated with a party. My friend here hasn't got party hats figured out yet but I'm sure he's got the right spirit.
@sysadmin anything planned for #100?

Sysadmin note: we've no idea how this nonsense made it to 50, if it makes it to 100 we'll probably be too stunned to celebrate


From: Sysadmin
Subj: Look mum, we’re on the telly

Colin Murray on Countdown

Crisp Sandwich Day was great fun again, and this year even got onto TV - the entire intro of Channel 4‘s Countdown was dedicated to it!

We’re now mainly focused on arcc, our detailed multi-user simulation of a fictional Cold War computer system, get your tickets before the price rises too much (there’s a dev diary with some spoilery details).

For the next inbox, as well as the usual stuff send us what you want from Santa (or other mysterious gift-giving entity) and why you deserve it so that Vmail subscribers can judge you harshly but fairly.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: anonymous

My fiance won't use towels to dry after showering he crouches in front of an old fan heater in the lounge to get dry

He says it's efficient but I don't want to see that while eating my rice crispies am i right to reconsider the wedding??


From: HappyToast
Subj: HappyToast 2024 Kids TV calendar

HappyToast 2024 Kids Tv calendar

I drew and painted some of my favourite kids tv characters that I thought would look nice as a calendar, and thanks to the wonders of print on demand service Lulu.com it turned out that they DO look nice as a calendar!

You can order one here


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: now what

Sisyphus wrote:

i made it to the top guys now what

start doing guided tours for a fee. open a gift shop with rock branded rubbers and pencils and also soap for some reason


From: Fella
Subj: Re: cube

anonymous wrote:

hey gang i'm new here what's up i drew this cube what do you think

Unfortunately, based on the dimensions, I’m afraid that that is a rectangular prism. Try again next time, friend.


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: cube

The letters W T F made out of cubes

I'm here for it. #cubes


From: edward
Subj: Re: cube

omg I luv ur cube

can I hav? I wil get u sumz bred at a later date I promiz
still waiting,
edward the ducc


From: A person
Subj: Re: cube


That’s a good cube
What do you think of mine


From: Golum's mum
Subj: "N-n-uh"

"Farrer than–"
"Faerrrrer that mat?"

I can't say 'fairer than that'. What can't you say?


From: terificus the great
Subj: Re: Bees

Feathers wrote:

...crumpets with melted better. But. People think we are short fat aliens in our bees suits. Ideas for better bee suits????

have you considered a biker jacket and baggy jeans


From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes

No. 10: Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes (2020)

What would you do if a screen suddenly showed a message from someone claiming to be you 2 minutes in the future?

The joy of this micro-budget film is in how that premise convincingly unfolds on mechanical and human levels; there’s no “What if they do X? Why haven’t they tried Y?!” sci-fi frustration here, the characters are trying to unravel the puzzle. Others get drawn in, they experiment with taking the anomaly further, and things get messy.

It’s presented as one long shot (thanks to clever editing), and if you keep watching the credits you can see how it was made.

The ending is disappointingly silly and doesn’t make sense, but up until that point it’s a fun, really well-thought-out film; indie sci-fi without the usual moody hipster packaging.

Beyond the Infinite Two Minutes seems to be available to rent on some major services for a couple of quid.

Next time: a little bit of politics


From: Stan
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Tea bags

fluffymitten wrote:

Surely the key benefit of a stronger bag is that you can get multiple cuppas out of it before all the flavour is gone (I am a coffee drinker but I've seen folks do this)

Yes! My colleagues think I'm mad (for a variety of reasons) but I just use one tea bag a day for 3-4 drinks


From: ASeriousCoffeeDrinker
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Tea bags

Ah yes I love drinking diluted tea after dipping my semi-decomposed paper tea bag into my 15th cuppa of hot water. It tastes like my inner depression


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: Idk

a woman with surprised face holding a crochet toy on her head

Ana wrote:


Sure why not. Are we all getting involved?


From: Mann
Subj: Re: Idk


You will know

Sysadmin note: we’ve given benefit of the doubt and assumed you’re being philosophical rather than sinister


From: Tammytastic
Subj: Re: The queen

An Aussie bloke wrote:

Do people in Britain still care about their monarch being dead or are we over that?

being Welsh I’m still delighted if that constitutes caring ? Ill be happier again when sausage fingered adulterer is 6 feet under


From: Cedar
Subj: Re: The queen

I didn't really care. I cared more about the fact charles would be king he is a weirdo.


From: kitter
Subj: Re: kitter beated me

heheheh, i beatesed youbs!111

Tim Timster Tom Tommy Von Terriffic wrote:

So's I snagged pic of Kitter, an I SHAMES he here.

Gets nerbed on timmh!!1 yous suked at tetriss!!11


From: Audrevelyn
Subj: Re: my cat

My dumb cat

this is French Fry


From: NRD
Subj: tenpo pi toki pona

have you ever wondered what the tiniest language is? well the answer seems it's toki pona with only 120 words* and a really simple grammar. it's spoken... everywhere! yup, it doesn't have a country where it's spoken. it was created by jan Sonja Lang in 2001. it has a pretty large and growing (for a conlang) community of speakers.

so what are you waiting for? give it a try! it only took NRD two weeks to become fluent in it!
(contact @realnrd on discord for help when it comes to learning toki pona)
o kama sona e toki pona a!


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Crisp Sandwich Day 2: Electric Boogaloo

Sysadmin wrote:

Yes, it’s almost that time again — 25th October will be the second Crisp Sandwich Day

Your Magnificent Crispians,

I write to you in a Post Crisp Sandwich Day Haze. Imagine a Lidl Seeded Sourdough Bloomer slathered with Kerrygold Butter and sprinkled with a huge quantity of Seabrook Sea Salt and Vinegar Crisps. My vision is blurred, my senses are awash with excessive joy - the jouissance - of International Crisp Sandwich Day.

This is not the monstrous imitation of Crisp Sandwich Day proferred for clout and influence by the pneumatic Nigella Lawson some time ago on Instagram. Her absence from the 2023 Celebration of this significant day of celebration being a deeply wounding affront.

It may be that I have stolen the Crisp Sandwich described above from someone. This is not a confession. This is not an admission of a deeply flawed celebration of Crisp Sandwich Day. This is simply a statement of how far one ought to be prepared to go in order to support the magnificence and marvellousness of this Day of Celebration.

I spent some time worrying. In North America, a Crisp Buttie would be called a 'Chip Sandwich' because chips are crisps. Thus depriving the New World of the joy of the pun. The joy of Saint Crispin being a Beatified Paronomasia. This became a source of deepening disquiet. That millions of people could be deprived of a belly laugh because of a failure to correctly understand that chips and crisps are named carefully and precisely.

Yet it was all dispelled by another, a second, Lidl Seeded Sourdough Bloomer and Seabrook Sea Salt and Vinegar Crisp Buttie. Thus revealing the profound and fundamental nature of Crisp Buttie Day. Promoting peace and understanding across the globe. At which point the joy washed over me.

I may have gone mad.

Yrs & c.


From: Lens Pointer
Subj: Well that was annoying

Highly pixaleted man playing an electric guitar in blue light.

I spent much of last Saturday night taking photographs at a gig. Four bands were performing and it was my first time taking pictures in such a low-light and messed up colour space.
Not only are most of the photographs completely washed out, I didn't think about the artificial light and my rolling shutter, which created lines ("colour banding") in two thirds of the pictures. I am annoyed.


Subj: Re: Day Update

Jarren (Toronto, Canada) wrote:

Day of Submission: Sept 29, 2023 Here is my essay from Geography if you want to read it: Hundreds of millions of people ...

Jarren, my man.
Here's my geography essay:
An explanation why some countries are more developed than others

The world is very unequal, in that some places are more developed and have higher income than others. There is not one reason or one simple explanation why this is because it is quite complicated. Some countries might have higher income because they created something (like Britain in the eighteenth century). Some places have harsh climates, so resources are hard to grow and it’s hard to work during the day (like Mauritania, where it can reach 50 degrees during the day).

On the twelfth of September, in Libya, a country that is already in a civil war, a disaster struck. A Medi-cane (Like a hurricane but formed in the Mediterranean) hit two dams in Derna and flooded the area. An estimated twenty thousand people have been killed in the flash flood, that has been described as a 'land tsunami'. Thousands of people are missing and presumed dead.

Ethiopia, a landlocked country in Africa, has a population of around 109 million people. It is the second most populous country in Africa. One third of the population hasn’t got access to clean water, this is over 35 million people. Ethiopia has numerous droughts, and its economy is based upon agriculture. Without water, this country’s economy crumbles. One in seventeen children die before the age of five. In the first half of this year, Ethiopia faced it’s biggest drought in over a decade.

In some countries, (such as Saudi Arabia) there is an abundance of natural resources, like oil or coal. This can cause disputes, even wars. In Sudan, the civil war is between the North and the South. It’s Primarily about oil.
Sometimes, higher income countries take advantage of lower income ones, they make unfair trade deals and the countries are stuck at one price, selling to one place.

In Syria, there is currently still a civil war, this is affecting the economy very badly because there is not a stable government to controll taxes and such.

The cycle of poverty also effects the development. It can be hard to break the cycle, because the economy would be in such a bad decline. If a country’s economy begins to decline, people will get lower and lower personal incomes. This will lead to less access to food and water (Food and water insecurity). This leads to famines and less water leads to poor hygiene, and the spread of disease. When people die of these diseases and hunger, it causes a depleted workforce, causing more economic decline.

Sysadmin note: we’re still not sure about this, what next, someone sending in their long multiplication homework


From: Chris
Subj: German Gurke


I saw the picture of the banana with the inscription "orange" on Biro+Banana=Art, I was horrified, because in Germany there is a not small group of people who historically did not know bananas, which led them to think that a cucumber was a banana without hesitation, a German investigative magazine headlined: "Zonen-Gaby, meine erste Banane", english „Zone-Gaby, my first banana“. In her hand she was holding a freshly peeled cucumber! That's why I added a banana with the inscription "Gurke" - the german word for cucumber. In order to prevent irritations in Germany

Sysadmin note: that’s clearly marker pen not biro


From: BEn
Subj: Story

Jared was a regular guy, working his regular job in an office. One day, during his break, he went to use the restroom. Little did he know that this would make him regret it.

As Jared exited the restroom, he realized he was in a completely different world—an endless office space stretching out in all directions. He took a step outside the bathroom, only to see it disappear behind him. He started to panic as he realized he was trapped in this place.

Desperate to find a way out, Jared started running, hoping to find an exit. But no matter how fast, he couldn't escape the office space. Tired and confused. He broke down and closed his eyes, hoping it was just a dream. When Jared opened his eyes, he found himself in a cold, dark hallway. With flickering lights, he couldn't see the end of the hallway. A sense of fear filled the air. Suddenly, loud rustling noises echoed behind him, and the lights began to turn off one by one, going into darkness.

Terrified, Jared ran down the hallway, his heart pounding in his chest. Something chasing behind him pushed him to run for his life. With every step, the hallway seemed to stretch endlessly, making escape feel impossible. Just as he felt his strength giving out, he lost and fell into an infinite pit of the void.

As he fell through the void, an alarm rang out, awaking Jared. Sweat covered his forehead as he realized it had all been a dream. He was relieved as he realized he was safe in his bedroom. With a smile on his face, Jared climbed out of bed and made his way to the bedroom door. He swung it open, but to his horror, he found himself standing in the same endless office space he had dreamed about. His nightmare had become his reality. Jared was trapped in this world. Forever doomed to this fate.


From: short celery stick
Subj: send help! (please)

recently my legs were bitten off by some random people, so I am now short, can someone out there possibly call the celery ambulance? I think I'm dying. -(short) celery stick


From: anonymous
Subj: stuck in the arctic

a wooden ship stuck in the ice

can someone call the RAC my phone isn't working

Sysadmin note: This is getting ridiculous, just tough it out like a proper (dead) arctic explorer


From: anonymous
Subj: Mantis shrimp are cooler than us

I'm so jealous of mantis shrimp. How come they get to see more colors than us? Even more, they have one of the strongest punches ever! They look pretty too.



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