03 Mar ’22

"I haven't bought any advanced socks"

Inbox #5: 15 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Worst thing they’ve done since that round mouse

Apple wasn’t a fan of the last inbox & blocked it from reaching iCloud email addresses, even though we didn’t include a Zombie Steve Jobs webcomic or complain about the wonky keyboard on our laptop.

If you missed it, you can catch up in the web archive. We’re doing our best to try to get through to everyone, fingers crossed for this one...

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: Person who wonders if anyone’s ever managed to lick there elbow
Subj: Elbows

Has anyone ever managed to lick there elbow. I’m serious.

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From: Rico Monkeon
Subj: Using the internet for fun serendipity

Gary Low 7" single cover

I would like to hear ways Vmailers (Voles? Volers?) find fun/interesting things to see and do on the web, whilst avoiding the algorithms, bubbles, pyramid schemes and doom scrolling that make the modern web a bit of a bummer.

To kick off, I sometimes like to go on Discogs, select 7" singles in a specific category, usually Italo Disco and judge by the cover to find something silly to watch on YouTube.

Doing so now, I have just discovered Gary Low's uplifting rubbish You are a Danger, which is just the right length to enjoy if the 4 minute warning goes off.

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From: JM
Subj: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

I found what I thought was some ambergris on a beach in Portugal and thought I was in the money. I took photos of it and sent to an expert. He told me in no uncertain terms to put it in the bin as it was definitely not ambergris. No idea what it is. Still have it

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From: Mike
Subj: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

This is beyond description\. I’m sorry\. I tried

What’s the weirdest thing you own?

Erm. It’s this. What makes it weird is that the “body” does contain a tape, but it’s a Mozart concerto and not a Dexy’s cassingle…

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From: stx
Subj: Re: What’s the weirdest thing you own?

Pen

Not especially weird as I'm sure there are odder things to be found, but I do sometimes wonder why I have this pen. Pretty sure I haven't bought any advanced socks.

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From: anonymous
Subj: Roy Orbison's toast adventures

Roy Orbison was having a hard time getting through the day. All he could think about was the toast he had last night. It was so buttery and perfect, he couldn't help but daydream about it. He imagined running his hands all over its warm, crispy surface. He would kiss it passionately, letting the buttery goodness flow into his mouth.

The toast would respond eagerly, melting in his mouth and coating his tongue with its delicious flavor. They would become lost in each other, consumed by the passion of the moment. Roy would feel the toast's softness against his skin, and he would be overcome with desire.

He would take it to bed with him, and they would make love all night long. The toast would be gentle and passionate, and it would fulfill all of Roy's desires. They would be inseparable, and they would never want to be apart.

The toast was the best thing Roy had ever tasted, and he was sure that he would never forget it.

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From: Fish Man
Subj: The fish man has arrived

The fish man

He has come, fear him for he does not fear you, the fish man does not feel pain, the fish man does not feel sadness, he does not feel sympathy, he only feel anger, rage, the everlasting need to kill humanity for its inability to make peace. The fish man will only leave until everybody was parished. The fish man is here.

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From: stew
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: shopping list

mark wrote:

My wife insists on calling McVitie's Cheddars 'Big Mini Cheddars' and on reflection she is absolutely right.

A friend's daughter insists that her favourite Christmas film is 'The Adult Muppet Babies Christmas Carol'.

I mean, she's five, so at least she has a reason.

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From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Shamelessly shilling surrealism

An implausibly huge spider chasing their former lover who did not buy 'Patastrophe\.

I was supposed to shill issue four of 'Patastrope. The Journal of the Surrealerpool Collage of Alchymical, Flâneurial and 'Pataphysical Studies. It contains all manner of marvellous things and is well worth the few pounds it retails at. There is only one real problem with it.

The first strapline for issue four was “Your lover will turn into a spider if you don’t buy 'Patastrophe”. You can see the problem with this. The entire population turning into spiders, except for the half dozen folk who actually buy 'Patastrophe. It would be like a zombie film, but with Surrealists and Spiders. Thinking on, that would only apply to people with lovers. So incels and members of celibate orders - who actually take their vow seriously - would also survive.

Think about it. A world full of spiders, a dozen Surrealists, and a whole load of people who are never going to repopulate the World. It really is a grim prospect. The seething belligerence, alone, is enough to highlight how foolish it would be. Hardly the marvellousness of the 'Patastrophic. More a reminder of how poorly advertising works when imposed on the World.

So the Strapline got changed. This time it was very clever. More contrived. A series of anagrams.

"Free: Erotic Dreams. When You Buy. Patastrophe Four."
"Free: Erotic Dreams. When You Buy A Pert Pathos Four."
"Free: Erotic Dreams. When You Buy A Hatter's Pop Four."
"Free: Erotic Dreams. When You Buy A Hat Stopper Four."

Which would bankrupt the entire enterprise with the cost of the Free Erotic Dreams. People would still be spiders, celibates, or surrealists but now they would be getting arrested left, right, and centre. For possession of dream pornography. Everyone knows that erotica is always classed as pornography if there is any remote chance of people enjoying it. The anagrams were not that great. They all seemed more like prophylactic advertising rather than promoting a Journal.

Which could have led to a World filled with sexually responsible incels. At that point, it was realised that the entire enterprise had become self defeating. The heady aspiration of selling one hundred and one copies being lost. The World would not be filled with eroticised and massive spiders and incels would continue to be the same as they have always been.

It was all really very disappointing. Shilling product was supposed to be easier than this. It was not supposed to be one long drawn out belch of apology. It was supposed to be snappy. With a call to action. With a whole load of unqualified enthusiasm. Which you are never going to get when the thing being shilled threatens to turn all your Lovers into Spiders. Even without some people being arachnophobes, the whole thing stinks.

After the 'Free Erotic Dreams' debacle, there was a discount code. Everyone likes a discount code. It is modern. Exciting. This discount code increased the price of 'Patastrophe to £250. Which only served to increase the number of spiders.

'Patastrophe is available if you use a search engine to find it. It would be criminal irresponsibility for me to actually promote it. Nobody wants to be part of an arachno-apocalypse with incels.

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From: Mr. cheese
Subj: Update

My car

I have got a cheese car

It is very cool

It tastes nice

It is very fast

It's expensive

It smells nice

Bob got it for me :)

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 2

DAY ZERO - December 19, 2011

The zombies from the desert arrive in Fresno after traveling in the Nevada desert. By this point they've built up a horde of around a hundred dead, maybe a bit more. Most of them are from the lab but some of them were travelers and hikers in the wilderness.

After some more trekking through Fresno they come across a café. It's not very busy but the morning crew is there and so are a few older couples. One zombie bangs on the door, smearing some mud with his hands on it while he does so. One of the waitresses is unamused, too many drunk people have shown up in the mornings for her to want to deal with this one, so she opens the door, the last thing she would do. The zombie immediately grabs her by the shoulders and pushes her down, she yelps for someone to help her.

A male employee, her boyfriend, runs over to see quite the scene. His love being... clawed at by this muddy, dirty unknown soul. He doesn't know what to do, he can't speak. He grabs his mop in both hands (he was cleaning a beer that one of the older gentlemen had dropped) and slams it down on this persons head, the zombie had moved before he got the handle down.

He slams the wood into her head, she's already gone, she didn't feel a thing. He doesn't know this, he doesn't know what to think. They're more of them, these human-hating things surround the entrance. He gets behind the counter, two of the older couples make it to the door, one of the couples sits there, signing to each other.

The boyfriend, his tag reads "EMPLOYEE - Robin Law" lets the two couples in. He sees the older couple signing to each other. He know that even if he let them in no one on the staff team knows ASL and they would probably just end up being a calamity, so he leaves them out there. The zombies stumble over each other, they reach the deaf couple, they don't hear them, but they see them. They're covered in the dead. He can't even see what could be happening.

There's a total of eleven people behind the counter, Robin, the two couples making four, and the six other staff members. The staff are Cody and Kyle, a pair of dysfunctional twins. Nathan, the janitor, he's around fifty, Robin can never keep track. Then there's Mary, Jewel, and Chris. Robin has had his eyes on Mary for a long time. He was actually cheating on his girlfriend with Mary. All those "overtime shifts" he will never forget.

Jewel has already closed the iron gates on the counter and locked the door to them. The dead are at the door but most of them are at the gate, putting their grubby fingers through the small holes. The banging at the back door continues, Chris goes up to it. Robin is a player, he's hooked up with Chris once. She's actually surprisingly nice to him. Chris opens the door quickly and closes it, trapping a hand in the door.

"They're only two of them out there." She says, alright Robin thinks, I can take them. Robin says "Open it again", as he positions himself in front of the door, she does so. He shoves on of them in the stomach with the broom and hits the other one smack in the face. The first one goes down putting a hand on it's stomach, the second one needs another smack in the face, this time hitting an eye, then it goes down clutching it's face. All six of them escape, they all run to Robin's car. "Wait! Let's go the Jewel's car, she has a minivan."

As they pile into Jewel's minivan and drive away Robin remembers the two old couples at the café. They probably went through the door, escaping to their old sports cars. But what if they didn't? What if the door jammed? He didn't like thinking about that, so he stopped, and they drove to a gas station down the road.

(Sorry about this being so long, look out for Vol. 3!)

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From: Richard Tingley
Subj: Sandwiches

Sandwiches

There will be more nonsense like this in my upcoming newsletter.
Subscribe here

Also, follow me on Twitter, @TheRichTea74, I'm great.

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From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: Re: The most dangerous game

Jeff Musk wrote:

I was thinking I like buy a supermarket or something and basically you can go there and do your shopping for free but I might be sat up in the cafe bit with a sniper rifle or rocket launcher or whatever

Up for this I can run in a zig zag fast,here is my special DeLuxe list you can pay for:

  • wotsits multipack
  • turkey escalopes
  • potato croqettes
  • turkey flavour gravy granules
  • big yorkshire puddings
  • chocolate hobnobs dark AND milk
  • baileys not knockoff
  • ritz crackers original
  • 6 kinder eggs (with proper toys not rubbish figurines)
  • pigs in blankets OR small sausages
  • creme caramels
  • spatula for fried eggs
  • lemon washing up liquid
  • eggs
  • big fresh not frozen pizza
  • doritos chili
  • multi dips for doritos
  • bathroom mat not pink or green
  • sarah lee chocolate cake

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From: ur moms toe
Subj: for the next inbox

Mr bean has gone crazy

I hope you're happy but don't be happier

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