09 Oct ’23

"And remember, Gary loves you"

Inbox #49: 31 new messages

Write a message for the next inbox

From: anonymous
Subj: october!

it's October! you know what that means! CRISP SANDWICH DAY IN APPROACHING!!!

Sysadmin note: thanks for the reminder


From: Sysadmin
Subj: Crisp Sandwich Day 2: Electric Boogaloo

Crisp Sandwich Day, 25th October

Yes, it’s almost that time again — 25th October will be the second Crisp Sandwich Day, an annual celebration of the iconic foodstuff.

There’s a printable poster for spreading the word, mugs & T shirts, and free crisps up for grabs (UK only) if you let us know about your plans and we think they’re interesting. We’re also keen to hear from pubs, cafés, etc taking part.

The first day was amazing, let’s make this one even better!

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Captain Crustbread
Subj: The Treasure

Arrrgh! Have any of ye Landlubbers seen me Golden Sandwich? It's me prized possession, and me crew is already gettin' their suspicions.


From: OtterWithaRock
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock


Sisyphus wrote:

its getting kinda heavy and i dont want to drop it on my toes

I'll help bro.


From: Prometheus
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock

Sorry, I am a bit tied up here. I got an appointment with an eagle to keep


From: rock
Subj: weight gaine

I'm sorry, I've been stress eating a lot so I've been gaining a lot of weight


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock

"one must imagine sisyphus happy"


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock

sorry brother i'm in greece rn


From: DystopianDustin
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock

It's been a while since i've been tortured by the gods, but i will support you next time i find myself on a god's bad side!


From: Zeus
Subj: Re: guys can you help me push this rock

No one help him, he gets what he deserves


From: Sisyphus
Subj: now what

sisyphus finally pushes the rock to the top of the hill

i made it to the top guys now what


From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

The illustrated man himself

No. 9: The Illustrated Man (1969)

Bradley Cooper lookalike (if you squint a bit) Robert Drivas encounters Rod Steiger‘s intimidating drifter, a man covered in tattoos — sorry, skin illustrations — that come to life, and who’s murderously pursuing mysterious temptress Claire Bloom. That’s the framing device for a Ray Bradbury sci-fi anthology reusing the same cast in 3 inner stories.

Those tales are rather flimsy and laden with ’60s sci-fi tropes (rounded plastic furniture, sexism) but they’re short diversions; the framing story is possibly the most prominent and interesting I’ve seen in an anthology film. You want to see how Steiger’s scenery chewer with a dog in a bag (don’t worry, it’s fine) became that way, and where those tattoos — sorry again, they’re skin illustrations — will take us.

It doesn’t matter that the script doesn’t hold together and there’s the soft-focus sheen of a made-for-TV drama; it’s entertaining and manages to feel like good sci-fi, where you given a peek at strange things beyond our world.

And some images have stayed with me for decades: Steiger’s rage; how Bloom disappears; a body consumed by alien fungus in torrential rain; the simple but fitting ending. What more can you expect from any film?

The Illustrated Man is available on disc and to rent online, but picture quality may be iffy in some/all cases.

Next time: a tiny bit of time travel


From: Finn
Subj: foxmail #3

two fennec foxes, rolled up and cuddling

Watch out, those come with their own HiFi equipment!
Talking about the fennec fox! They are small (below 40 cm / 15.7 in), but have really big ears (up to 10 cm / 3.9 in). They need those to locate their prey under the desert sand and to stay cool (much like elephants). They can go without water or food for extended periods of time and fur has the popular color of "cream", ideal for staying hidden in the sand.

post scriptum: Thank you for your feedback! I hope that I can make some of you happier with those interesting creatures. After all...

A fox is a wolf who sends flowers
- Ruth Brown


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: important rabies message

anonymous wrote:

Be kind to rabid foxes, open your doors and let them in

I saw one pining to get into 7/11 yesterday


From: Rabid Fox
Subj: Re: important rabies message

yes. let them in. especially if you have pets!


From: kit xP
Subj: ok so theres foxes but

what about bats :(


From: Gary
Subj: The Profaned Sabbath

It has started. The day of reckoning has arrived. Be wary of your neighbors, for they may not be what they seem. The Profaned Sabbath has arrived and all the demons from hell itself will unleash their wrath upon this pitiful rock. They will reap and sow with your own bodies and blood as fertilizer while they set ablaze the very skies and the oceans boil. Plagues of locusts, deaths of the first born children and earth shattering tremors will shake your planet to it's very core.

So please remember to pay rent this weekend. We can't look up to the apocalypse without rent being sorted.

And remember, Gary loves you

Sysadmin note: Is this happening before or after Crisp Sandwich Day? We’re trying to plan things here


From: Feathers
Subj: Bees

Two beekeepers tending to beehives

So… we like bees. Bees are good. We all know we need bees to save the planet, we have many thousands!!

They have weathered winter well and are just ready to have heaps of bee babies, and suck on plants and vomit us up some honey for us to scrape into jars and spread on crumpets with melted better.


People think we are short fat aliens in our bees suits.
Ideas for better bee suits????


From: Completely “Legal” and “of age” worker
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Ba-na-na-na-na-n-na-naaa, ba-na-n-na-naa,...

Argentina Government wrote:

Come to Argentina for the fresh and bestest bananas that are not picked with slave labor

Please let me out I have eaten nothing but bananas for 8 months


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: Re: Tea bags

Yorkshire tea enthusiast wrote:

Yorkshire tea sucks when you first start drinking it and after a couple of days it’s great :) its also really strong so you don’t have to brew it as long which is even better

I used to love a strong cup of Yorkshire Tea but I stopped drinking cow milk. Now I have to have a tiny pinch of loose-leaf tea because even wafting a teabag near some hot water makes it too strong to drink black.


From: fluffymitten
Subj: Re: Re: Tea bags

Surely the key benefit of a stronger bag is that you can get multiple cuppas out of it before all the flavour is gone (I am a coffee drinker but I've seen folks do this)


From: Tyler
Subj: My dog is getting a hair cut

My dog is going to get a haircut

That bro asked for a boosie fade


From: John Lennon
Subj: Re: AMA

Rich Man wrote:

I am a billionaire ask me anything

Sysadmin note: Can you send us a million quid? This site doesn’t run itself

Do you keep all your money in a big brown bag inside the zoo?


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: AMA

Hello mate, can you paypal me 1 dollar? I need to buy more noodels.


From: anonymous
Subj: cube

it is a cube

hey gang i'm new here what's up i drew this cube what do you think


From: Jarren (Toronto, Canada)
Subj: Day Update

Day of Submission: Sept 29, 2023

Here is my essay from Geography if you want to read it:

Hundreds of millions of people have been hurt and killed by earthquakes, millions by tsunamis,and hundreds of thousands by volcanoes. These three disasters deserve the most attention by the UN because they are all major issues of public safety, sustainable development, and environmental health.

The Earth is made up of 4 layers: the crust, the mantle, the outer core and the inner core. The crust is made up of tectonic plates, which float on the semi-solid layer of magma. The motion of the tectonic plates is caused by convection currents throughout the magma which cause it to slowly move. When one tectonic plate collides with another, it causes them to grind against each other; this is what causes an earthquake. One of the many countries that have many earthquakes is Japan. Japan is a very populated country, having over 126,000,000 people (2021); because of this, many more people are affected by earthquakes as opposed to a country similar to Canada with a low population density.

Earthquakes don’t always happen on the surface; when one occurs underwater, at the sea floor, it displaces the water above it. This causes a rolling wave to be shooting towards the shore at up to 800 km/h. As the wave gets closer to shore, it starts to form into a larger wave above the water; a tsunami. When a tsunami hits land, the low point of the wave, beneath its crest, reaches land first. This is what causes the water to be pulled in very far, exposing the seabed. Once the high point of the wave hits land, it destroys everything in its path. It rapidly floods coastal areas, knocks down structures, flips houses, railcars, and other very heavy objects from flotation forces, and kills many people with floating debris, and high water levels making it easy to drown. Tsunamis are the most devastating to coastal locations, like Hawaii, or Alaska. Millions of people in the past have been killed by earthquakes, and many more injured.

In some scenarios, when tectonic plates shift, one plate slips under a second plate. This is called subduction. When this occurs, the two tectonic plates are grinding against each other, and the friction and compression generates giant amounts of heat and pressure. When the pressure underground gets too high, it bursts through the earth’s surface and causes an eruption. The magma expelled during the eruption solidifies to create a piece of land. Over time, repeated eruptions cause a buildup of these small pieces of land, eventually creating volcanic islands or plateaus.

Earthquakes, tsunamis, and volcanic eruptions deserve the most attention by the United Nations because of the high mortality rates, location, and surrounding damage to land. By prioritizing disaster emergency response, and recovery efforts related to these hazards, the UN can contribute significantly to global safety, resilience, and sustainable development.

Thanks for reading VMail users

Sysadmin note: we’re not sure about posting schoolwork on here, but if any Geography teachers want to mark it thoroughly then go for it


From: Tim Timster Tom Tommy Von Terriffic
Subj: kitter beated me

My bane

Thmis catter sprambled mys eveining planned okie dokie so so I was playings tetras yes yah, ands kitter sadids "1v1 me scroob" and I dids ANDS HE BEATER ME ME I AN VERR VERR SALTERS!!!!!!!
So's I snagged pic of kitter, an I SHAMES he here.


From: mac
Subj: my cat

my cat kleo



From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Pataphysician seeks the Patronage of the Benevolent

Your Magnificences,

there should be no mistaking this. This is utterly shameless self promotion. Should the utterly revolting notion of a craven appeal to your generosity have bile seething in your gullet, repair now to a retreat of your choosing. Move on. Have no truck with mine witterings. Drown thine affront in a hostelry.

Be wary of promises made by self described artistic types. Invariably such promises are shoddy. Panderings to personal weakness and base desires. This is not some monstrous foibble shaming. If you happen to like the notion of being immersed in a bathtub of goose down feathers with a gentle, body temperature, airflow keeping the soft tickles in constant motion across your smooth skin - as a curiously specific example - then it ought not to be the subject of judgmental fops whose personal foible is a good less goose down based.

Also: be wary of all the Search Engine Optimisation words. Those are the ones that make sentences six words long and always with an active, present tense verb and a clear metadata ad metatexual prompts. You know. The "All your base are belong to us" clarity of a multi level marketing scheme for Dark Lords and cut price mercenaries. The first damned paragraph of this missive. That sort of thing.

The sudden paragraph masquerading sentence appearance!

After such a rancorous preamble - a garden path leading to a shedload of nowhere - we have arrived at the choosing beggars moment. The revelation by which you may choose to entertain the nonsense of becoming a Patron or not. The Internet Economy is a pyramid of gluttony and vice. Thus, it is necessary for me to garner thousands of Patrons simply to slide past the merest hurdle of nonentity and penury through Patronage. For every pound, some one wants thirty pence. If it is not the tax man it is the middle man. Your generosity in Patronage will support an endless treadmill of feeding these choosing beggars with their skim while I am baffled with the bullshittery of paperwork and fees. Their need for new yachts matching up with a need to subsist while cranking out witterings - pataphysical and merely physical or metaphysical - the traditional wage slavery of the literate. There is an endless parade of middlemen.

By this point your tolerance of begging - which, to be fair, I seem to be exceptionally poor at doing - might have tipped over into contempt. A fair and healthy reaction to unasked for and unexpected demands for lucre. Filthy lucre. Sounds like a Shakespearian character in one of the lesser known plays. The late night Shakespearian Bedroom Farces. You might also be wondering, as would be pertinent, "What do I get out of this?"

A fair, concise, and reasonable question.

Outbursts of a 'Pataphysical Nature. The certain knowledge that, at some point you might have an anagram of your name or that you will have access to writhings of various kinds exuded under the pretence of literacy or legitimacy to a ranting in the great British - not Great British - tradition of the Ranter.

You could sign up for free, and then suffer the indignity of constant marketing bombardment until you crack in the dead of night and sign away your perpetual essence to become one of the True, the Good, or, The Beautiful. It is, as those middlemen say, inevitable and for your own good. Once signed up you get an intermittent stream of consciousness, semi-consciousness, and un-consciousness. One day you might even find out that I wrote a Biographhy of Bill Drummond which, had this been thirty years ago, might be something noteworthy. I invented the Standard Shipman: a metric for describing how murderous politicians are.

Follow this link and my eternal gratitude will be shared out among you. It is not infinite gratitude. Just eternal.

Seeking a TL;DR: this is not for you.

Yrs & c.
sur Hubert Huzzah(postmortuarist)


From: Ana
Subj: Idk

Me lol



From: An Aussie bloke
Subj: The queen

Do people in Britain still care about their monarch being dead or are we over that?



Write a message for the next inbox

Web archive of past messages

Sign up to get future issues & submit stuff: