30 May ’23

"Hello, normal human. I'm a normal human too."

Inbox #43: 24 new messages

From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Forget Wordle...

DayBrix

Our new daily game is live!

DayBrix challenges you to clear each day’s date, with a different theme for each day of the week (some are just cosmetic, others affect gameplay).

There’s an amazing soundtrack by Tom Kincaid, and it also includes Arcade Mode (we reckon over 50 rows is decent; over 60 good; over 70 very good).

Play it now and every day FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE

- Vmail Sysadmin

From: Lizzie
Subj: Re: Boing

i'm going to be pursuing a graduate degree at cambridge later this fall, does anyone have any tried and true methods for combating my old friend imposter syndrome?

From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Boing

Sysadmin @VOLEwtf wrote:

Spring has sproinged, green shoots are everywhere, and soon we’ll finally be launching new stuff, including an amazing...

Spring??? Are you on another continent or something? Autumn! Autumn leaves, damp washing, lighting fires, cold mornings where I can’t see out of the damn car windscreen!!
Autumn! It’s Autumn!! Winter is Coming!!!!!

Sysadmin note: apologies for our northernhemispherecentrism, feel free to send us plane tickets and a luxury hotel booking so we can post nonsense from down under instead. Please note that a dirty mattress in the basement of an abattoir does not qualify as a luxury hotel room, we’re not falling for that again.

From: Emily >:)
Subj: Barry

Barry

This is my pet duck Barry. He is 27 years old and has committed several felonies. Fear him

From: comedy hunter
Subj: Britain's Favourite Joke!

Forgive me if this isn't allowed, but it would be great to get some submissions for our comedy survey looking to find Britain's favourite joke!

Take the survey here

From: Beef Oliver
Subj: Re: Help

Baron von Baconstein wrote:

I intend to reconstruct an entire pig from supermarket bacon and reanimate it using the elemental power of one of those ...

Would a yellow stickered packet of gammon be of any use?

From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

“A light must be placed in that window!”

No. 3: Three Cases of Murder (1954)

Portmanteau/anthology horror films are by their nature a mixed bag, and this one’s certainly no exception. They also often have weak framing devices (“Oh, everyone’s already dead and going to hell!”); this one has Eamonn Andrews (yes, from This Is Your Life) doing a cheesy introduction where he fires a gun, laughs and says “Well, that’s the way I’d like to do my murders!”

So why on earth am I including it in a ‘best films’ list?! Let’s go through the murders in reverse order...

Orson Welles gets top billing but only appears in the final story, Lord Mountdrago, about clashing politicians and cursed dreams. It’s good fun (ever wanted to see the House of Commons sing Bicycle Built for Two?), but the film closes with its second best segment.

The middle story, You Killed Elizabeth, features rival suitors and is so forgettable I can’t remember much about it.

So we arrive at the start and In the Picture, directed by Wendy Toye and starring Alan Badel (who appears in the other two stories as the one common thread), a supernatural tale of an obsessive artist.

From the moment Badel appears, all dressed up and full of mischief, you know you’re in for a treat. Then as he draws hapless museum attendant Mr. Jarvis into the painting with his voice, you’re equally captivated. From there, it’s a world of madness and horror, with a perfect ending.

Forget Eamonn, Orson and the blokes I can’t remember, In the Picture is one of the most memorable half-hours you’ll find anywhere on film. Watch Three Cases of Murder then forever wonder how Badel never became more famous (and do track down the outstanding short film he also made with Toye, The Stranger Left No Card).

Three Cases of Murder seems to be available on Criterion and CHILI, and occasionally gets uploaded to YouTube in its entirety.

Next time: chilly Russians.

From: anonymous
Subj: :(

hey guys im feeling sad will you please send some cursed images to cheer me up?

From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

Your fellow human being wrote:

Hello yes please come to my house we can go to the park which has green trees and grass and we eat and later go looking ...

... See you later normal human :)

Yes normal human being, this would be a great experience, I would like to participate.

From: very human human being
Subj: Re: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

Another normal human being wrote:

Would you like to preform normal human activities at my home? I have ducks

i would like to also participate in these activities

From: §HÅĶƏ
Subj: Re: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

Hello, normal human. I'm a normal human too. We can go to your house at the Monday, i'm free that day. How are you? I'm fine, sometimes i can hear to people calling me weird but it's okay because when i check who did say it, i can't see nobody that could have said that because i'm in my room alone and crying for unknown reasons.

From: Your local Moth
Subj: Still waiting.

My friend.

I've had a delightful talk with a baby fish today. It's quite flabbergasting how they reach the peak of their philosophical thinking skill at the youngest age. Fish politics are apparently an underrated topic "up there, over the water" he told me. Another obvious thing he mentioned was hating to get older, even if he does care about the whiskers.

Anyways, I'm still waiting to enter your house to have a petíte...rather sweet talk with you, unless you hand me over the best lamps you've got.

lots of fishy love,

Moth

From: Tommy
Subj: Re: Boing

I swore I wouldn't sample the emergency alert to make a piece of music but I couldn't help myself:

A.I. (Emergency Alert)

From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Re: Re: Teaching the Eldritch Horrors how to email

Hubert Huzzah wrote:

My Lord Graceful the Bringer of Mist and Blood, The secret of eldritch horrors and all form of communication lies in the...

Hullo Dr. Dr. Mr. Prof. Huzzah,
Tis I, Sir Tim. After arriving home from my short sabbatical visiting my 253rd cousin, æz̩et‖ʊ̈eʒhunbbəertj̩ɚry (simplified translation, but we call him beaert for short), I arrive back in my domain to find your lovely email. I have implemented your advice, and I hope you'll be pleased to know that it has been a success.

Would you be interested in a career in the Dark Forest? You would be compensated well and we have universal healthcare. If you are interested, you could work in the IT department. Or we have other options. You could work in Eldritch Communications, or customer service. Please let me know.
Sincerely,
Sir Tim the Graceful
Lord of the Dark Forest
Bringer of Mist and Blood

From: anonymous
Subj: Re: down in ohio

A fine human being wrote:

Has anyone actually been to or currently lives in ohio? I want to hear your horror stories....

I haven’t but my dad used to live there. He said that every winter they couldn’t walk to school and had to dig tunnels through 7 ft tall snow. They also said that it was -40 degrees f. That’s pretty cold. School “never” got canceled and they had to go out in the cold with barely a thin jacket and no hat or gloves or anything to milk the cow and feed the pigs.

From: Gabriel, Judge Of Hell
Subj: Re: down in ohio

Yup, I have to check my closet/fridge in case belle, Lord of death, pops out and yoinks you into the void

From: kevin
Subj: its me, kevin

kevin

i look fabulous

From: Ammilia
Subj: 2/5 ARG hints. any others are fake

AN
-- -.-- / -.. . .- .-. / .- .-.. .- -..- --.. .- -. -.. . .-. --..-- / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / ..-. --- .-. --. . - / -- . .-.-.- / .. / .- -- / -... . .. -. --. / .-- .- - -.-. .... . -.. / -.-. .-.. --- ... . .-.. -.-- / .- -. -.. / ..-. . .- .-. / ..-. --- .-. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... .- ..-. . - -.-- .-.-.- / .. ..-. / .. / .- -- / -. . . -.. . -.. --..-- / ..- ... . / - .... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .-- . / .- --. .-. . . -.. / ..- .--. --- -. .-.-.- / .-. . -- . -- -... . .-. ---... / . -- -- .. .-.. .. .. .----. ... / ..-. .- ...- --- .-. .. - . / -. ..- -- -... . .-. --..-- / .--- .- -.-. . .----. ... / ..-. .. .-. ... - / -.. .- - . --..-- / .- -. -.. / -- -.-- / -. .- -- . .-.-.- / ..-. .-. --- -- ---... / .- -- -- .. .-.. .. .-

Only those that have an AN are official. Please noone copy :>
-The creator.

From: Anonymous
Subj: This is just a joke

.. ..-. / -.-- --- ..- / -.-. .- -. / .-. . .- -.. / - .... .. ... / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / ... . -. -.. / .... . .-.. .--. / .. .-..-. -- / - .-. .- .--. .--. . -.. / .. -. / - .... .. ... / .--. . .-. ... --- -. .----. ... / -... .- ... . -- . -. -

From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: I don't usually do this

I don't usually do this, but even dark lords have free time (although not much) and I just wanted to do a little shameless not-self promotion.

youtube.com/@briandavidgilbert

BDG does little songs and things and I feel like he matches the VMail vibe.
Check him out!
Sincerely,
Sir Tim the Graceful
Lord of the Dark Forest
Bringer of Mist and Blood

From: anonymous
Subj: mystry cake

mystery cake

someone left this on my step it looks yum but smells bit funny do i eat it or no

From: Some Weird Guy
Subj: Re: The worms are here and we have complaints

The worms wrote:

Hello you don’t know us but we know you all to well in-fact you humans are weird so weird that we want you to change for...

... about you or your problems we worms give no pity. Thank you for taking the time out of your day to abide by these rules

Is it true when your cut in half it makes two of you?

From: The worms
Subj: Thank you

Hello! It’s the worms again we wanted to let you know that we were thankful for your changes we are living better then ever (even though Josh instead of 1am it’s now 3am) We also wanted to talk to you about our god Jeb you should follow him this is why, 1.he forgives 2.free healthcare 3.he has a parrot 4.you don’t have a choice and the worms are already in your house. Thank you!

From: Chloe
Subj: PSA

SCIENCE CLASS IS BORING

DOES ANYONE EVER USE AIR PRESSURE AND WEATHER CALCULATIONS IN THEIR DAY TO DAY LIFE?!?

Inbox #43

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