24 Apr ’23

"Josh please stop blasting your sad music at 1am"

Inbox #41: 22 new messages

Write a message for the next inbox

From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Boing

Sloth Sunday

Spring has sproinged, green shoots are everywhere, and soon we’ll finally be launching new stuff, including an amazing daily-challenge game (featuring the above Sloth Sunday).

So we also want to know about your new projects, hobbies, interests, jobs, or life changes. Inspire, annoy or weird-out over 6,000 subscribers!
(Please keep sending other nonsense too)

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: rawr
Subj: Re: mouses? meese? moose?

anonymous wrote:

please i need to know...

what is the plural of mouse?
i have been confused about this for so long, and i have been searching and searching for someone to tell me, but with no prevail.
please end my suffering, and tell me the answer.

mouses. Obviously. It's just that simple


From: volvox observer
Subj: true self film fest

tsff logo

true self film fest

We’re interested in short films that are made from the heart. We want to see what artists like you are drawn to create from their core, with less focus on the technical details, and more on communicating a feeling that naturally pours from you. Filmmaking can be daunting and overwhelming, so we intend to practice a slower, more compassionate, artist-driven approach through this quaint fest.



From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

normal human wrote:

i do normal human activities like watching the screen, drinking river water, and eating the bread. please let me into your house so i can do normal human activities.

I would love to do normal human activities with you


From: Another normal human being
Subj: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

Would you like to preform normal human activities at my home? I have ducks


From: Your fellow human being
Subj: Re: Hello yes i am a normal human being

Hello yes please come to my house we can go to the park which has green trees and grass and we eat and later go looking for normal human babies instead of chicken babies because I find them cuter
In the evening we can go home to my human parents and siblings and paint the babies and sit them in the trees in the front yard
See you later normal human :)


From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen

The Congress (2013)

No. 2: The Congress (2013)

A ‘difficult’ actor (Robin Wright) with a chronically ill son (Kodi Smit-McPhee) sells her likeness to a studio and gets scanned. Everything seems set for a near-future exploration of Hollywood, body image, ageing, identity, etc. Then we jump forward twenty years, she’s driving a sports car to an event, and–

The whole concept of spoilers is often overblown, with fans turning rabid at the merest hint of a mainstream movie plot that was probably given away in the trailer months earlier. But even setting aside big gimmicky twists and whodunit reveals, there’s joy in feeling bewildered by a film, having no idea where it’s all going. The more stuff you’ve watched, the rarer that becomes.

Overall, The Congress is slightly muddled, rambling and pretentious, but it’s also visually stunning, melancholic and delightfully odd, with a great WTF moment. Even telling you that is a spoiler, but what can I do?

Don’t watch the trailer. Don’t google. Don’t go near the Wikipedia page. Don’t read reviews. Rent it tonight and savour the bewilderment.

Next time: a film that’s one third perfect.


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Carpe Diem: Living with Purpose and Passion

Melissa Yung wrote:

The sun rises, the sun sets A new day, a new chance to forget The troubles that plagued us yesterday And seize the ...

...someone's day, to light a spark So let's live with purpose, with passion, with grace And make this world a better place.

I mean that’s all well and good but once I walked into some pub toilets and someone had clearly had the runs in a urinal, so I don’t think I can ever forget that. It’s burnt into my mind like when you look at the sun too long and get after-images everywhere you look.


From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: Re: Re: Lies, all lies

A guy wrote:
Did you know my dads dogs dads cat died to day

Was your dad Ken Dodd?


From: human being
Subj: Making a crisp sandwich

A very unappetizing crisp sandwich cut in half.

It’s more than crisps inbetween two slices of bread. The feeling of sinking your teeth into the soft top layer of bread, followed by a thin sheet of butter (or marge) and then you bite into salty, crunchy crisps.

This is the time I made my first crisp sandwich. I made it a few months ago. I live across the pond in the land of the free, so my sister gave me a weird look walking by the kitchen, as I stuffed chips in a sandwich.

I put the thinnest coat of butter inside the two slices of bread, and proceed to place expired, month-old, sea salted crisps. The after result.. didn’t look very appealing. but I assumed it would be good anyways, regardless of looks. and, when I made that decision, I was very incorrect.

look, not all crisp sandwiches are bad, but this one was not good. it was probably the brand of the crisps I used. Or maybe just my stale bread; or perhaps it was my half frozen butter. I still don’t know. I plan on buying fresh crisps, and attempting to make another, and hopefully, better crisp sandwich.


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Teaching the Eldritch Horrors how to email

Sir Tim the Graceful wrote:

I have been trying to teach some of my underlings how to email so we may correspond faster, as our old system dates back...

My Lord Graceful the Bringer of Mist and Blood,

The secret of eldritch horrors and all form of communication lies in the underlying technology by which they summon their message from the depths of the netherhells in order to communicate them onwards. The Fax was invented, by Alexander Bain, on 12 December 1846. Which was between full and new moon. This astrological situation is well defined and gives the Eldritch a sense of comfort and sensible regularity. That comfort and regularity comes from having a clear, definite, horoscope to work with.

In contrast E-Mail has a contentious history. Some Americans attribute the invention of E-Mail to Ray Tomlinson in 1971, others to an MIT Project in 1965 - attributing E-Mail to Noel Morris and Tom Van Vleck. To complicate the matter, At just 14 years old, Shiva Ayyadurai developed a computerized mail system for a dental school in New York. Ayyadurai called this “EMAIL.” and took out copyright protection for the software in 1982. The detailed history of E-Mail is interesting in its own right but the importance of the digression is that there are competing claims and that creates uncertainty and doubt about the horoscope of the technology.

In order that the Eldritch become competent with a new technology they need - in a cosmically profound manner - a definite horoscope. This is the core of the problem with your Eldritch Horrors. What you need is a date for the Horrors to fixate upon and use in their prognistications when using E-Mail. You could do worse than acquire an ageing IBM System/360. A Family of Mainframe Computers announced on April 7, 1964 which had the first, primitive, message passing system. Tell your Horrors that all E-Mail will be handled by the System/360 and that will give them the confidence and certainty to cast a horoscope. Indeed, the Moon was between Full and New. Thus easing your Horrors into a familiarity which should help them to transition to the new technology.

This, in fact, may well not achieve your objectives but will let you know which Eldritch Horrors are amenable to moving forwards to a brave new world of fully automated armageddon. Your vapourisation of goblins is, in my opinion, a complete waste of effort. If you combine the System/360 messaging system with a promise to allow your Horrors the privilege of sacrificing Goblins to appease the Hex of the System/360 in order to obtain access to the magic of messaging you should be sorted.

Yrs && c.
sur Hubert Huzzah (postmortuarist)


From: some dude who did it
Subj: i did it


oh my gosh i did it guys looook i did it i finned the tour of the cd man bouncing around like a knight



From: A fine human being
Subj: down in ohio

Has anyone actually been to or currently lives in ohio? I want to hear your horror stories....


From: Russell Crowe
Subj: I am the pope’s exorcist

It can be difficult working in the occult sector sometimes, but the pay is good and the union provides us with a broad range of support. I can recommend exorcism to anyone starting out in their careers. Yours. Russell.


From: Baron von Baconstein
Subj: Help

Pack of bacon

I intend to reconstruct an entire pig from supermarket bacon and reanimate it using the elemental power of one of those 9v batteries that make your tongue go funny. I am confident it will not then turn against its creator.

Please send me your rashers, streaky or unstreaky, smoked or unsmoked, for this important scientific endeavour. I am not insane.

The Baron


From: Delta
Subj: yipee

dude is time even moving, or is time a construct and we're the ones moving?


From: The worms
Subj: The worms are here and we have complaints

Hello you don’t know us but we know you all to well in-fact you humans are weird so weird that we want you to change for example Linda please let us know when you’re with Dave (yes we know about Dave your husband does too) it’s quiet gross we worms prefer to stay alone so please ring a bell three times when he is over. Or Josh please stop blasting your sad music at 1am we get it you’re going to die alone blah blah blah we don’t care about you or your problems we worms give no pity.

Thank you for taking the time out of your day to abide by these rules


From: tho "O" mon
Subj: vodoogomos


whot oro yoor fovoroto vodoogomos?
thos os somothong o'vo boon thonkong oboot ond o wontod to know whot ovoryono's oponoons woro


From: SFBM
Subj: Re: Re: 1/5 ARG hints

.-- .... .- - / .... .- - .... / --. --- -.. / .-- .-. --- ..- --. .... - ..--..


From: Her new Lover
Subj: Re: Re: 1/5 ARG hints

FBI wrote:

... . -. -.. / -.-. --- --- .-. -.. .. -. .- - . ... --..-- / ... .... . / .. ... / .-- .- .. - .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / -.-- --- ..-

... .... . / ... .- -.-- ... / ... .... . / .-.. --- ...- . ... / -.-- --- ..- / ...- . .-. -.-- / -- ..- -.-. .... -.-.-- / -... ..- - / ... .... . / ... .- .. -.. / ... .... . / -- --- ...- . -.. / --- -. / ... --- / .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- / -.. --- / -.-- --- ..- / ... - .. .-.. .-.. / .-- .- -. - / .... . .-.. .--. ..--..


From: Tembrash
Subj: My cat !!!

I love my cat . Isn't she pretty ?



From: narene
Subj: chimps

you're happily married, life is great, and you have 2 kids but they're strangely hairy. You investigate and find that your spouse is actually 3 chimpanzees in a trenchcoat. What do you do



Write a message for the next inbox

Web archive of past messages

Sign up to get future issues & submit stuff: