01 Apr ’23

"a random stick of butter in his birthday card"

Inbox #40: 22 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Big bin of lies


Ah, the side-splitting hilarity of April Fool’s/Fools’/Fools Day.

We’re not sure which nonsense was submitted in response to our request for lies, and which nonsense is the usual general nonsense, so we’ve just bunged the daftest and most dishonest-sounding stuff in here. Look, it’s not an exact science, OK?

The rest’s been saved for the next inbox and please do send us more pics/stories/replies, Vmail now has over 6,000 subscribers and that’s no lie.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: A person
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

Ohio is real


From: napalm colonoscopy
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

when i drink milk, my teeth become soft


From: poopoo
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

your very nice :)


From: Space Person

space maggot

I am on International Space Station and just saw a giant maggot hatch out of Iceland, here is photographic evidence


Subj: Why Do HUmans still think that the earth is flat

I have 133 Eyebrows. also, I eat children and I have killed 12544 people secretly. And I have 5 nipples.

Which one is true?


From: LevonandPhil
Subj: Fire!!!!



From: anonymous
Subj: hello

Daisy's are pretty nd can be yellow.


From: Da corgi
Subj: All the lies

The lies of mah life

  1. Hokay once apron a time Miranda Wilson looked at the sky and tripped on the sidewalk and fell into the sewer into a flood of poop. Then she fell of a waterfall. Not only did she smell bad, but she died too!
  2. When I was little, I would go on Nickelodeon.com all the time and they had this game similar to Club Penguin, except it was called Nicktropolis. And if you forgot your password, a security question you could choose was “What is your eye color?” and if you got it right it’d tell you your password. So I would go to popular locations in Nicktropolis and write down random usernames who were also in those areas, and then I would log out and type in the username as if it were my own and see which of these usernames had a security question set to “What is your eye color?” (Which was most of them, since it was easy and we were all kids). I would then try either brown, blue, or green, and always get in, then I would go to their house and send all of their furniture and decorations to my own accounts. And if I didn’t want it, I could sell it for money.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

Woke up once in the middle of the night and a strange man was standing next to my bed, he said my talents had been noted and wanted to recruit me for MI5

Turned out in the morning I misheard and it was MFI, I sold furniture for 5 years, funny way to recruit, no wonder they went bust


From: anonymous
Subj: mouses? meese? moose?

please i need to know...

what is the plural of mouse?
i have been confused about this for so long, and i have been searching and searching for someone to tell me, but with no prevail.
please end my suffering, and tell me the answer.


From: normal human
Subj: Hello yes i am a normal human being

this is me, a normal man

i do normal human activities like watching the screen, drinking river water, and eating the bread. please let me into your house so i can do normal human activities.


From: Sasha
Subj: Re: Re: Re: why do candles exist

your mother wrote:

Candles are, not in fact, delicious. They kind of taste like soap or perfume. I don't recommend eating them.

I've eaten 12 of them in a single sitting


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

The Football goal net was invented by the City Engineer of Liverpool: John Alexander Brodie. It was first used in an Everton Match. A blue plaque on Ullet Road commemorates his achievement.


From: A guy
Subj: Re: Lies, all lies

Did you know my dads dogs dads cat died to day

Not really


From: anonymous
Subj: in love


my boyfriend Carlo don't get to see him much he's busy in the tyre factory says he's getting a big promotion


From: The Stick of Butter
Subj: Crazy

My neigbor once found a random stick of butter in his birthday card, and nobody knows how it got there. The stick of butter took the money inside. The mystery is still unsolved, but I inexplicably got $20...


From: US Military
Subj: Nuke ownership

you now own all our nukes and you can send them anywhere


From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: I definitely did not do this

I definitely did not sacrifice a small evil boy who was lost in the dark woods to the pink river dolphins of the city of gold. I did not do this because the economy is not crashing and they do not need the blood of a small evil boy who got lost in the dark woods to fix the S&P 500.
Sir Tim
Lord of the Dark Forest
Bringer of Mist and Blood.


From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: shopping list 100% true

  • Lots of those delicious vegan meals Linda goes on about
  • Raw fish with the head still on
  • That rough bogroll stuff
  • CAKE
  • Shredded Wheat breakfast brillo pads
  • Fun size chocs
  • Alcohol-free cans


From: Me
Subj: Alien

I am an martian.


From: nani
Subj: wowzers

i love my friends



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