28 Feb â23
"gifts for people who work in HR"
Inbox #38
Inbox #38: 29 new messages
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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Where all the cool kids are hanging out
We decided to go ahead and open up our Mastodon server; even those who hate crisp sandwiches are welcome.
Itâs all on properly managed hosting and has its own unique touches, and weâll also offer members sneak previews of new projects.
While Twitterâs sliding into chaos, Mastodonâs getting more lively and interesting, and itâs even better if youâre on a smaller, cosier instance that feels like home.
Find out more here or follow us at @VOLEwtf@crispsandwi.ch
- Vmail Sysadmin
From: hit me babybel one more time
Subj: what has happened to this one great country?
I've told you about a babybel in a cuppa soup. I've told you about a babybel in a pot noodle. None of you listened. Why should I tell you that a babybel in a ready meal curry is a delight to the senses and leaves a lovely cheesy explosion in an otherwise dull meal? I won't tell you that because you don't deserve it. You heathens.
From: smilerose
Subj: geese
Have you ever glanced outside your window and decided that you want to be a goose? Well now you can! Introducing the goose spray! The goose spray uses very specific chemicals to turn you into a goose through the power of coca extract! Now it is yours for only 4,999$! Buy yours today and recieve a discount! Goose spray, the only thing that turns you into a goose*!
*note; does not actually turn you into a goose. not legal in most countries. may cause weed addiction. we are not responsible for becoming addicted to being a goose. age restrictions may apply.
From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Shameless Self Promotion
Your Magnificences of Systemic Admininstration,
Yes, I know it is an outrage against good manners and, possibly decency to ask. In the past the VOLE Newsletter has permitted the shameless self promotion of things what people have done. Will that be something that happens again in the near future. I want to shamelessly promote my Patreon because that seems like a good idea.
Yrs & c.
Sysadmin note: itâs fine to promote stuff if it feels at home here; make the post interesting, not spammy/annoying!
From: A fine human being
Subj: Re: Greetings from Moth
Your local Moth wrote:
Hello... I am the moth that will soon colonize your homes. If you dare oppose me, my wrath will fall upon ye.
See you soon moth
From: Your local Moth
Subj: Moth is Waiting
Hello. I am Moth. I have reached your neighbirs' houses already and have filled them with my kids for them to prospere. Your house is next.
Love,
-Moth
From: Your local Lamp
Subj: Re: Greetings from Moth
My dearest moth,
I miss you
Please come back to me
Love, Lamp
From: Random alien
Subj: Re: Greetings from Moth
My dear local moth,
I am looking for company.leave earth alone and come to the planet Mars.I will be awaiting you.
-love, the random alien
From: Green
Subj: Re: Greetings from Moth
Can you please deal with the caterpillar infestation if you are going to take over my home anyway?
Thanks,
Orange
From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News
________ ______ ____ _____
|_ __ | .' ___ ||_ \|_ _|
| |_ \_|/ .' \_| | \ | |
| _| _ | | ____ | |\ \| |
_| |__/ |\ `.___] |_| |_\ |_
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~ It's time for another edition of our slimy newsletter, where we bring you the latest updates on all things dark and devious in our kingdom!
We have been busy testing and reviewing the latest and greatest weapons and poisons, and we can't wait to share our findings with you. There's also news of our latest discoveries and our diplomatic alliance with the sea-goblin kingdom of Gurnoroth.
WEAPONS ROUND-UP
Sponsored by Agronn, who stands by the old sludge pit
First up, the Bone Blade. This weapon is made from the sharpest bones of our enemies, and it is perfect for slicing through flesh and bone alike. The Bone Blade is now our weapon of choice for close combat, and no one knows bones like Agronn.
Next, we have the Acid Bomb. This little beauty is perfect for taking out large groups of enemies at once. We tried it on a group of humans and their screams still echo through the caves! Agronn says "So strong it take your face if not careful."
Now, let's move on to the poisons. Agronn has some new and improved formulas that are sure to please even the most discerning of goblins, including the Venomous Vial. This poison is made from a secret recipe that goblins have been perfecting for decades. It is deadly to all but the strongest of creatures, and causes rotting sores before and after death. We tested it on a group of elves, and the results were so satisfying we did it again!
Last but not least, we have Goblin Grog. This is a specially designed poison that is deadly to humans but tastes like their strange bubbling bottled drinks. Agronn says "Four hour of writhing in agony guaranteed or I cut off toe and give to you."
NEW DARK MAGIC
Goblins have made an astonishing discovery that will change the course of our history forever. Our sorcerers have unlocked a new form of dark magic that harnesses a strange, invisible energy source and travels through metals! Power without limits!
This new magic allows us to power machines that were previously unimaginable, sorcerers are already experimenting with this to do the work of dozens of goblins with ease, move at the speed of a hagbeast or burn with the light of many flames. We urge our fellow goblins to reap the rewards of unlimited power and domination over all who oppose us!
GURNOROTH ALLIANCE LATEST
Our Dark Lord was guest of honour at their Fish Feast and decapitated the sea-goblin king after a minor difference of opinion! All hail the Dark Lord!
From: Feathers
Subj: Re: My Dog
Somebody i guess wrote:
Here is my dog
here is my dog. I like your dog very much. Mine eats sticky notes.
From: Dogman
Subj: Re: My Dog
Here is my dog (the better one)
Her name is Princess
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: My Dog
Reminds me of my dog lolll
From: thatOneHalfBiteenCookiE
Subj: Valentines day
Curse this wretched holiday! The misery it brings to the single among humankind.ex boyfriend thee mine has th cheatheted upon me.Now observe thou rage on humankind and mi ex de boyfriend.thank you for listening to my TED talk.
Btw Iâm watching beast and hooked on miraculous ladybugâŚItâs really sad
From: I am important
Subj: Bob the skeleton
Bob is a skeleton in our class. He is fine but he needs some advice. This zombie he likes doesnât even know he exists and he is sad ): pls reply and help him.
From: PearLover888
Subj: Re: Re: My Wife
anonymous wrote:
As I read your message, I happened to glance across at my fruit bowl. I'm so sorry to break it to you this way. He is quite a big chap. Again, I really am sorry.
god damn you my sweet sweet pear
From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz
Back in the eighties an ensemble cast took clever, sarky, witty and character-driven comedy to new heights. No, not Hi-De-Hi, this was Cheers. If you remember Fraser as a radio shrink then you are too young to remember this properly and might need to go to bed. Chock full of great characters: Norm, the barfly with the invisible, nagging wife; Cliff, the postman who still lives at home, Sam, Carla, Woody. Bright, fun and funny. Every single one a gemâŚ
Number 14: Shelley Long
Who is Shelley Long?
The fun vacuum that was Diane Chambers was Shelley Longâs greatest role. Shelley wasnât just a jobbing actress, she began as a writer/performer in a comedy troupe â so a funny jobbing actress, I guess. But she was in film before TV and taking Cheers on was a surprise. There was lots of tension on set (read: difficult to work with) but Ted Danson is quoted as saying that her acting held the programme together (read: great actress but difficult to work with). While a lot of the actors in Cheers carried on and became household names, Shelley did not.
Are they still in The Biz?
When I suddenly remembered that I hadnât written a Biz, went desperately looking for the saviour that is Google and stumbled across Cheers it suddenly dawned on me that Frasier was the last time I saw Diane. There she was sucking the life out of another show (not keen on Diane, you might have caught on). The best actress on the show but nothing for nearly 20 years. Maybe you have seen her somewhere else? She has certainly been around a lot of shows since then as well as films. Her last TV role was 2018 and I assumed some sort of retirement but no, she had just moved over to the movies and in 2022 she stars in Give Me Pity! As Baby Dog â I wouldnât bother if I was you. So, yes, she is still in the Biz but how many people have seen her there?
Next time: Maybe we will try a musician. Or a TV presenter. Or someone from Love Island â theyâve probably already disappeared
From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Re: Re: Very Specific Favorite Color
âLightly Wind-Battered Trailer Park Window Pane Tanâ Fan wrote:
Personally, I prefer, âlightly wind-battered trailer park window pane tanâ, but to each their own.
Dear âLightly Wind-Battered Trailer Park Window Pane Tanâ Fan,
I want to congratulate you on the prestigious Vmail Title. I would like to give you another opportunity to gain this award and become the only person to ever win this award twice. You may be our only hope.
âLightly Wind-Battered Trailer Park Window Pane Tanâ Fan:
How is a raven like a writing desk?
I am curiously awaiting your reply.
Sincerely:
Sir Tim the Graceful
Lord of the Dark Forest
Bringer of Blood and Mist
Contact:
Wait until the moon is full and shining above a dark, misty lake. Sacrifice a wolf or three ravens and pour about a half quart of the blood from the sacrifice into the deepest part of the lake as well as about 20 quid. An incorporeal snake will materialize out of the lake and take your message. Once you are done leaving your message, feed the snake about 1-2 large wheels of Gouda cheese for it to go away. If you don't, it will drag you to the bottom of the lake and leave you there to live out the rest of your days with the pink river dolphins in their city of gold.
From: The Helper
Subj: 1/5 ARG hints
.... . .-.. .--. / -- . / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / - .... . -.-- / .... .- ...- . / -- . / .. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / .-.. --- --. / .- --. .- .. -. / ... --- --- -. / -... ..- - / .. ..-. / .. / -.. --- -. .----. - / - . .-.. .-.. / .... . .-. / .. / ... .- .. -.. / -... -.-- . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.-
From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 12
DAY ??? - January 16th, 2013
Journal Entry #259
It's been a little over two years since this whole thing started
As I introduce myself in all of these entries in case something happens, my name is Bill Mabysun. I was born in NYC but after the apocalypse started I drove my 2008 Nissan 350z to my grandparent's home all the way in Wisconsin, where I've been living since this horrible thing started.
Well, after I cleared out that giant group of them, and almost got killed by that gym-bro zombie runner in the closet, I've decided I should just chill at home (the fire station I took over about a year ago) and do some farming. I've still only met about over fifty people, forty four within the first year, than only six the next. No more since jan 1st. I made myself a cake than, seems like forever for whatever reason.
That lady that was headin' off to somewhere in quebec, name was melissa too. We had fun that's all I'm saying. Some robin guy had apparently branched off to minnesota, some 'safehaven' or whatever, bull I say, military doesn't care about anyone even if the military is alive.
I hear a helicopter...
DAY ??? - January 19th, 2013
Journal Entry #260
I don't care to say anything about me right now, that helicopter was full of survivors, they attracted probably about five hundred zombies or around that. I set the dead on fire, lead them away from my station, my stuff is all safe, those survivors landed on my roof, and shot at the zombies. We conversed, they said they would come back with a 'cure' if their mission was successful.
I heard the copter crash later, I heard some screams. I feel so bad for them, there isn't a cure, I can confirm that, checked the base it apparently started at, hell no nothing there but hordes among hordes and cheap hippie clothing. I'm going after the crash tomorrow, after I do my daily duties, than dependin' on what I find I'm going to either continue building the second garage and workshop or I'll work on helping the survivor, probably only one, most likely none...
I've been everywhere already. What the hell, what is it worth, I should've done it a year ago, I shoulda done it in my own damn apartment, as I soon as I watched the news. I think it was the fire outside and all the shots above me and the shouts from the heli from the military when I told myself to run.
I'm just gonna cry myself to sleep tonight, I've lost too many people.
Post-apocalypse or not, too many.
From: Death
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
stummy wrote:
why do candles exist I mean they provide light but we don't live in a castle anymore so like...why ya know? if somebody has an answer pls reply...I must know why candles exist.
They are used for witch craft and some people like to use candles for light
From: I am important
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
So we can play dungeons and dragons and be knights in shining armor. Also they are helpful for power outages.
From: CandleEnjoyer3642
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
What if the power goes out?
From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
candles are delicious (yum)
From: Dtbrew
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
I thought candles exist to be given as gifts for people who work in HR. But please advise if not the case.
From: Strom (certified idiot)
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
Yeah, I'm not an expert or anything, but it seems kinda weird to put a fully-fledged lightbulb with socket and everything in the middle of your dinner table. Plus, candles are not as bright so if you want like a bit of light w/o lighting up the entire room they are cool. Oh yeah and like campers and hikers and stuff: (there's no electricity in the mountains).
This is my educated guess, I do not take responsibility for any false information. If more questions arise, i would like you to contact my candle expert Bill. (Just call his name, he will show up eventually).
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: why do candles exist
I use them to draw demonic symbols on pavements that briefly show up when it starts raining
From: Levon And Phil
Subj: He loves you
All hail lord birb
From: Head full of questions
Subj: Roundabouts
Does anyone know or want to guess how many roundabouts there is on earth? And yes i did specify earth cuz other planets might have roundabouts also, but that is another discussion.
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