30 Jan ’23

"oh Germany? I didn't think that"

Inbox #36: 18 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Crispy Mastodon

crispsandwi.ch header image

We’ve been on Mastodon for a while, but have now moved to our own cosy little server with the best domain ever: crispsandwi.ch

Find us by putting @VOLEwtf@crispsandwi.ch into the search box in your Mastodon app.

Signups are closed at the moment, but we might open it up if you all promise to take turns at cleaning the bathroom and no one steals our egg custard tarts from the fridge.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Half-Scut
Subj: Re: I don’t know what I’m doing, but look at this

LOTION wrote:

You fool! You have been beaned!

why did you trick me. I have been fooled. Heinz-sight is 20:20.


From: Bethany
Subj: grandad

bin fire

grandad set fire to a bin lol


Subj: Londons wird side

Hi, my friend is going to London for a trip soon. She wants to visit basic things like musees and aesthetic old libraries, so what weird and cool things could you suggest for her?

Btw where are you all from? I am from Germany actually. If you thought "oh Germany? I didn't think that" thanks that's kind of a compliment.


From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Very Specific Favorite Color

Hullo! I quite like it when peoples' favorite colours are very specific. mine is Moss on a Stone Rooftop in the Rain. What's yours?


From: Man in a site helmet
Subj: So glad they are thinking of the diabetic builders

Sign saying Emergency Lollipops for all Companies


From: Mary Addison
Subj: Strange occurrences with the Vmail Newsletter

Dear Sysadmin,

I hope this email finds you well. I am writing to bring to your attention some strange and unusual events that have been happening with the Vmail Newsletter.

  1. Talking text: The text in the newsletter has taken on a life of its own and has begun speaking to me in a menacing tone.
  2. Shapeshifting design: The design of the newsletter changes with every email, making it difficult to navigate. Sometimes it is a staircase, other times it is a labyrinth, and once it even turned into a black hole that swallowed my computer.
  3. Time-traveling delivery: The newsletter seems to be delivered to me at random times, sometimes even before it has been sent.
  4. Enchanted articles: The articles in the newsletter are imbued with dark magic, causing me to become entranced and lose hours of my day.
  5. Atrocious quality: This may not be unusual.

I am not sure if this is a problem on your end or if I need to upgrade my Hotmail, but I thought it was important to bring to your attention nonetheless.

I look forward to your response and hope that this can be resolved in a timely manner.

Mary Addison


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Pukes of Hazzard

Arn wrote:

Try covering your cars in 120 jars of peanut butter and racing in Aldi car park making tiktoks only takes 6 hurs to wash off

Stupid waste
I used peanut butter in 2002 for A.R.T. and made the Lionel Ritchie clay head from Hello (only got B+ teacher died next year)


From: PearLover888
Subj: My Wife

my beautiful wife

My wife is a pear... and I've taken a bite out of an apple recently without thought, so I don't know what I should say to my wife.
Should I suggest an open relationship where I can eat any fruit but anyone can take a bite out of her?

I'm struggling with an answer, please help me.

(Pictured above is my beautiful wife during a photoshoot)


From: yourname
Subj: hey

are we real?

Sysadmin note: no


From: A
Subj: quick q

does anyone read these?

Sysadmin note: no


From: Newspaper Hat #4931056
Subj: Vmail Headquarters - Part 2

Okay, so I don't know how they found out, probably the new intern Steve. They're actually paying their interns now that they realize it means stuff like this can't get out. This sysadmin is smarter than I thought.

Well, I took the laptop they supply us with and I'm hiding in a storage room now, turns out they actually heat up these places. Now, I forgot exactly how I got here, but if I remember before Larry W. got the message about 'firing' me (whatever that means), I think I turned down Hall-B2-6. Maybe.

This might actually be a break room, but all the boxes suggest otherwise. There's a couch I can sleep on, a... a microwave? Okay I think this is a break room now. Now that I'm no longer an official "newspaper hat" I can start exploring this place a bit, albeit with some caution. Now I'm sure the interns will see this, but I'm telling you let it through, we can get you higher wages!

Now, back to what I need to say, stuff I forgot about. The security officers around the building have these remotes that essentially shut down all the computers in their hall, essentially it's an EMP, it doesn't actually control the computers. The unfortunate thing is that it sometimes it's the wiring of the lights, and therefore shuts down the whole hall. Due to this, the janitors (who double as mechanics, electricians, and plumbers) always leave any door that only employees should get into so they can easily repair the situation instead of needing to gain permission from the higher-ups to open the door. But this also means I'll have an easier escape.

Oh yeah, and the meetings they have are about so much more than I previously mentioned, other than all that other hub-jub, they also speculate which "newspaper hat" would be the best drummer, singer, guitarist, yadda yadda. I think they have some sort of band-maker side-gig. Weird stuff, I don't know what it's about but just don't sign up for any bands for the next couple weeks, you could get roped in. The camera system is surprisingly easy to break into to, so that's how I get all this information.

Wait a minute... oh dammit I forgot about the curfew. You know the thing, I already explained it, but also at curfew, other than the watcher thingy, they also shut down all the computers. I need to finish this up, so the daily macaw, it's basically this macaw that they bring in once every wednesday to make sure all the newspaper hats behave and also to keep them happy, and then there's saturdays, those are... oh no, alright I gotta submit this now I'll get another message in... eventually, I'm sure they'll find me I gotta be on the move and also pray this gets thru alrigt gota go!

Sysadmin note: you’re still fired


From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz

Carmen Miranda, SIR!

Iiiiiii’m back! (no-one cares). Did you think that this idea had run its course or that I had given it up? My Word app did because it shoved it back into the cloud quicker than you can say “It looks like you are trying to write a comic piece, do you need help with that?” Anyway I do have a new one and it is a doozy. From the classics of TV comedy, that raucous, hilarious, sarcastic, cynical, slapstick look at the Korean War. Sorry, how many people died? Never mind that, here’s Hawkeye sipping martini from a test tube.

Number 13: Jamie Farr

Who is Jamie Farr?
Jamie Farr’s career pretty much hangs on the one character he played in M*A*S*H. When Corporal Klinger finds out that if you are deemed insane by the army then you get a pardon he thinks it means he should wear a dress. Of course, trying to get kicked out of the army is a sane response so they deem him sane. It’s like a catch 22. Where do they get their ideas? Previous to his big break on MAS*H, Jamie had been doing the usual one episode guest starring in a variety of shows but what did he do After MASH – do you see what I did there? If not, you should probably not be reading email newsletters at your age. Off you go and get offended on TikTok!

Are they still in The Biz?
After M*A*S*H (worst TV title to have to type ever) Jamie went on to star in After MASH, a spin-off that is rarely talked about, until 1985. At which point, he returned to one-off episodes playing such characters as Crummy Fred and Jamie Farr. Yes, Jamie started doing what stars who were big, but never could quite emulate that stardom again, do and play themselves on other shows including Family Guy and Men Behaving Badly – oh no, not the British one, the one with the miscasting of the century Rob Schneider as Gary (Jamie). Just show the original, America. Well at least they have learnt their lesson…wait, what? Ghosts! Mercy! Imdb then slows down a bit but keeps crawling along up until….2019. So, Jamie is, at 88, no longer in the Biz but as one of the most prolific character actors ever (iMdb quote) he is probably just knackered

Next time: Planning is not one of my strong points as you can probably already tell. Not sure why I even have a Next Time heading. Bad planning probably


From: Me
Subj: FOOD

Hey you don't know me, I don't know you, but I want to talk about an especific topic. Food.

Imagine a lemonade, a hamburger, a lemon pie, a three milk sweet, a tiramisu, sum pork ribs... Do you have a childhood comfort food? I do, it's rice with tuna and salad. It brings me so much joy.

Childhood is great. Like once I was alone with my dad and my brother when I was like 4, and my dad blow up and inflatable pool for us and we spent all day playing there, and it was so late for lunch, he had made earlier some rice with tuna and since we were hungry and for some reason food tastes better after getting out of a pool it was just GREAT. You can tell by my chosen topic that Im hungry. There's nothing in the fridge. Our actual fridge broke and apparently it was only a two year warranty, so now we have a replacement mini fridge. It doesn't have space for anything! Anyways greengages are tasty.


From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: To-Do list

  • finish homework
  • write a 10 page essay on why monopoly is bad
  • buy camembert (the good kind)
  • go stargazing
  • have an existential crisis (because of the stargazing) because i am but a single cog in a giant machine, and my existence is pointless
  • Finally start Glass Onion: Knives Out
  • realize that I need to start being productive and re-organize my room
  • go on a boat

Sir Tim


From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: valentines shopping list

  • 2 bottles fizzy wine
  • curry + sides + naan
  • 2 cans spray cream
  • strawberris
  • wotsits multipack
  • doritos + dip
  • cans
  • tissues
  • lynx shower gel
  • washing up liquid
  • toilet bleach
  • card with hearts or puppies
  • box of chocs OR twix multipack


From: Ad
Subj: buye irt

almond cheeze its totally legal

Pls consider buying this ligitiment block of cheeze


From: Child
Subj: Birthday help

How many people do I invite to a birthday? 5 or 20 people?



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