18 Jan ’23


Inbox #35: 21 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Old Meme + Old Videogame

Hampster Invaders

We decided to merge Hampster Dance with Space Invaders to produce...

Hampster Invaders!

If you clear the first wave you’re rewarded with a blast of Cuban Boys’ number 4 chart hit Cognoscenti Vs Intelligentsia (with their permission/blessing).

We reckon anything over 300,000 is a really good score and no, we don’t have a solution for getting the song out of your head afterwards. You have been warned.

- Vmail Sysadmin


Subj: Trying to write the next newsletter headline

I hate it when I go out and Jesus throws a fridge at me.

Why did my carpet leave me?

Are you being a marshmallow?

Does it annoy you when I am called Kate?


Gratefully appreciating your breakfast-in-law


(Sorry for screaming at you, I'm kinda out of ideas)

"But she might be a driving wheel", said my father full of fear...

Spent years in the backyard and still I am no tree :(

Caption this!

Though the bridge was a big and strong one, she was tired to carry all those people.

(Okay bye)


From: Arn
Subj: Pukes of Hazzard


Try covering your cars in 120 jars of peanut butter and racing in Aldi car park making tiktoks only takes 6 hurs to wash off


From: Not Agent #22987
Subj: Re: hey guys

violet wrote:

what should i do for my birthday, escape room or puppet making party?

Escape room, definitely


From: H.
Subj: Re: hey guys

Oh, please, go to a escape room, and please invite me


From: Levon And Phil
Subj: Re: hey guys

Puppet making party 100%. escape room sounds kind of basic ngl.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: hey guys

puppet-themed escape room party


From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Re: hey guys

Puppet themed escape room. You can never go wrong with a puppet themed escape room.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: hey guys

Escape room for sure


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: hey guys

Happy birthday Violet!

You should combine the two by arranging a puppet-making party, and then escaping from it whilst it's in full swing. You can celebrate your success with savoury eggs and supermarket own-brand warm vodka from a plastic cup.


From: Feathers
Subj: Re: hey guys

definitely a puppet making party. And make them creepy. And give them tiny weapons and tiny boots. And then animate them under a full moon, and then set them freeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!


From: Suzie
Subj: Re: hey guys

jay leno

Puppets! Get everyone to make talk show puppets out of raw meat
I tried Jay Leno with sausagemeat bacon and baking paper (above) to inspire you!


From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Top Five Cheeses

My Top Five Cheeses

5) Raclette:
A sort of melted cheese stew, usually served with potatoes.
Often too rich and salty for my taste.

4) Parmesan
A classic. Usually grated and then served on top of pasta
It's really good on pasta with sauce, but it's very bad on it's own.

3) Curd Cheese / Quark
I quite like it because it's got a funny name in German. It's Quark.
Gets old very fast.

2) Mozzarella
An Italian cheese that's usually served with tomatoes.
It's good, it's just nothing special.

Literally nothing is wrong with this.
It's my favorite.

Sir Tim


From: Tha Somebody
Subj: Niqab


im muslim
men dont treat me different cuz i chose to cover my body
no one sidetracks u cuz u wear a mini skirt
im just like every other 13 year old girl
i love music
wearing my niqab
so just
WE ARE IN 2023


From: Jaden
Subj: The everything bagel

If you like comedy podcasts. Or just podcasts or people rambling cause they are going insane (please help.) Check out the everything bagel on spotify and if your interested send a message and I'll add it to an episode

Podcast Submit


From: Newspaper Hat #4931056
Subj: Vmail Headquarters - Part 1

can't really read it...

SKETCH: (top to bottom/left to right) NO talking, No snickering, no outside contact.- Larry B. - Me - bathrooms - where i work - Larry (probably) - Hall F3-1 - big Hall (goes to other F halls)

It was a fine day at the vmail headquarters, sunny day, but of course no one could tell cause there are no windows. Think of it like a casino, but you're stuck until you've done your part... and you aren't paid.

After the 43rd wave of firing people (can't use them too much) a gathering of The Council was announced. Now, The Council of course is two sysadmins (three actually, but uh, we don't talk about that) (or was it just one?) and the janitor, because they wanted to spice things up. Any of The Council's meetings are observed by this thing, it's uh... well hard to say, let's just say it watches the entire facility via the cameras (and sometimes you can see it at night, before you're eaten alive for breaking curfew)

Sorry, was getting off-topic. Now, now... the rest of The Council is five (5) moderators or so, they moderate the 'filler' posts of the facility, to make sure they're not too interesting (now, sometimes these slip through, as each moderator as about 5000sq ft of rooms to cover). The rest of The Council is the other two janitors, an intern or two (paid or unpaid, depends) and MAYBE one of the workers, or as they call us, "newspaper hats", why? I assume it's because as a newspaper hat, it's fun, but doesn't last long. And don't put it in the rain.

So, now that The Council has been defined, two (one, three?) sysadmins, a janitor, five (5) moderators, another two janitors, an intern, and MAYBE a "newspaper hat" to be there. So, this is the official 69th (nice) meeting of the council (by the way, meetings are for wave fires, emergency meetings, imposters, and if an FBI agent or CIA agent is outside, well, if they got past security) and you know the drill, boring old same old.

"So? Should we try the preschoolers again?" asks Moderator #3, when sysadmin (one, two?) speaks up, remembering "They were too creative, people were actually reading the filler stuff." "Maybe the old-folks home?" suggests the (currently unpaid) intern, "hmmm, I mean, as long as we don't get any war veterans that could work. Have them work in Hall B7-2 and Hall B7-3, alright?" responds sysadmin (two, three?) to the intern.

Yeah, not much huh?
So, the meetings aren't too exciting, unless you like talking about bowling, eating scones filled with the blood of the undergods, or talking to the daily macaw* (not what you think it is, trust me).

The building contains about a bajillion different rooms, I'll sketch something up for you, and about 5/15 of these rooms aren't used. It's also surprisingly easy to sneak away, as long as Larry W. isn't on security duty, make sure it's Larry B., made that mistake already... ever again. Oh yeah, that watcher, security thing... it's not much, it doesn't care what you do (unless you break curfew)

Alright, I should probably get back, cause I'm pretty positive Larry B. knows this way isn't the bathroom, he uses it a lot, probably all the coffee...

praying this gets through the AI system and then the manual review, I don't think the interns really check these unless someone higher-up is nearby.

Sysadmin note: you're fired


From: Also
Subj: Did I do it right


Hey man I was wondering if I made the soup right it seems to have a person in it


From: God
Subj: Getting Into Heaven RE:

Yes. so far you are getting into heaven. Keep up the good work.



From: The Style Dictator
Subj: Follow the plan, fools

The Style Dictator

IN for 2023:

  • Art made from human hair
  • Eating spiders
  • Ghost hunting
  • ASMR car maintenance videos
  • Wearing clown makeup in public
  • Using black magic for personal gain
  • Virtual reality underwear

OUT for 2023:

  • Cults
  • Steampunk
  • Persistent ducks
  • Tall food
  • Human taxidermy
  • Large jigsaw puzzles
  • Using hypnosis for mind control


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Selling out

Sysadmin note: they're only imaginary bricks and shovels

Dearest SysAdmin,

They are imaginary friends and you are going to use imaginary bricks and shovels which will result in the imaginary death of them all. If they were real friends and you were only going to use real bricks and shovels then they would be really dead. Which, for real people is a big deal. Being imagined dead is a big deal for imaginary friends.

This is an appalling prospect.

Randle P. McMurphy in One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest by Ken Kesey was Imaginary. He was not imaginary mad but he ended up with imaginary death at the hands of Imaginary Nurse Ratched. Crucified on the imaginary electroshock table. Dead. If ever there were to be a sequel to One Flew over the Cuckoo's Nest, Randle P. McMurphy could not be in it because Randle P. McMurphy was dead. Imaginary dead, to be sure, but dead never the less.

Your plan for humanely putting down the thousands of Imaginary Friends with Imaginary Bricks and Shovels is a barbaric prospect. One that I shall imagine to be an occasion of absolute shame. Your planned imaginary murders are outrageous.

Please reconsider your stance, and for anybody reading this: please buy the entire Imaginary Friends Reunited domain and Imaginary Friends from the Monstrous SysAdmins of Vole.

To be very clear, the SysAdmins of Vole have an excellent reputation surrounding their treatment of Real People. It is just Imaginary People who are being murdered left, right, and centre.

I am considering being overcome with emotion and expiring on the spot.

Yrs & c.


Subj: I don’t know what I’m doing, but look at this

Et bababooey

You fool! You have been beaned!



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