03 Jan ’23

"miniature eiffel tower from a babybel wax"

Inbox #34: 19 new messages

Write a message for the next inbox

From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Another year of nonsense


What a year, eh? All that excitement about aliens visiting, the discovery of hellmouths in branches of WHSmith, and the invention of invisible carrots, phew.

Luckily we still found time to make things, here’s a recap:

  • January: We announced Vmail and, well, you can see how that turned out.
  • April: Fun little game BOKEH went live.
  • June: We launched Penga, physics and penguins together at last.
  • July: We made retro-futuristic AI publication The Kubrick Times.
  • August: The GANksy project was finally wrapped up and archived.
  • September: Imaginary Friend Reunited got an update, and we released a study of Childhood Ambitions.
  • October: Kilogram offered photographers a new low in image quality, and our nonsense escaped into the real world in the form of Crisp Sandwich Day!
  • November: You can Buy This Site.
  • December: Tickets went on sale for arcc (the price is rising, get in there quick).

There’s loads more planned for 2023, keep an eye on Vmail/Twitter/Mastodon...

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: mediocre
Subj: Re: Shrek with a helmet

Brycen wrote:

Shrek with a helmet

Certainly not.


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: Shrek with a helmet

Drawn picture of the character Shrek wearing a Viking-style horned helmet.

That'll do, Donkey. That'll do.


From: anonymous
Subj: Secret Santa

It was a hot and humid day in the jungle, and Santa was drenched in sweat as he crouched behind a tree, watching the compound through his binoculars. He had been on this mission for weeks, gathering intelligence on a group of terrorists who were planning to attack a major city.

As he watched, he saw one of the terrorists emerge from the compound and start walking towards the jungle. Santa knew that this was his chance to take action. He unsheathed his knife and crept up behind the terrorist, taking him down with a quick and efficient strike.

As he dragged the body into the undergrowth, Santa couldn't help but think about how different this was from his usual work as Santa Claus. Back at the North Pole, he spent his days making toys and spreading joy to children all over the world. But during the rest of the year, he worked as a secret agent, performing "black ops" missions for the good of humanity.

This weighed heavily on Santa's conscience, as he knew that he was taking lives in order to save others. But he also knew that it was necessary work, and that he was making a difference in the world.

As he finished his mission and made his way back to the North Pole, Santa couldn't wait to return to his normal life, but knew he could never truly escape the gunfire and screams.


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Math

A lost student wrote:

How do I do matrixes?

You should start by pluralising them correctly. They're matrices. The rest will just come naturally, probably. I dunno, I'm not mathematically inclined.


From: JM
Subj: Re: Math

You take a matrix, right? And then you reload it, then you revolve it, and then you resurrect it. Ultimately disappointing, the whole thing, mind.


From: Agent Smith
Subj: Re: Math

Look, Mr Anderson, we've been through all this before. Let it go.


From: ME :)
Subj: wheat

Wheat boy (my son)

I love wheat, this is my wheat person. He is my pet. I love him, I cherish him, and I hope he succeeds in wheat kindergarten. I love you my wheat boy, spread your love throughout the world. I took a picture of him yesterday on my Gameboy and here he is.


From: Saskia
Subj: Re: one of Evil Santa's reindeer (not Rudolph)

well i'm sorry no offense but what kind of editors are you guys? that guy writes 'reindeer' and it gets in this newsletter but my beautiful music recommendations don't?
may your headphones be broken and not play anything but 'last christmas' anymore!


From: Saskia
Subj: Re: music

we_love_music491860 wrote:

what's your favorite music? what's your favorite song? what's your favorite genre? what's your favorite artist?

well so I love weird music! y'all probably know kurt cobain but I bet you don't know his song "beans", please listen to it, it'll hurt your ears, I love it!
more cool and very weird songs:
in another land (rolling stones)
walking the cow (daniel johnston)
effervescing elephant (syd barret)
last christmas (wham)

a not weird band I love is giant rooks, they're great! i'd love to hear your music recommendations too!

Sysadmin note: list may have been slightly edited


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: music

My fav song is white meadow by Ecco 2k, my fav genre is hyper pop and my favorite artist is xo purp.


From: Lizzie
Subj: Re: music

i’m a big fan of arctic monkeys’ am album, as basic as it might seem; it’s my go-to when i’m hanging out & drinking w/ friends

i’d describe as akin to having ur favorite drink; it’s familiar but your experience of it can change depending on ur mood; it also makes me feel way cooler than i am (which i think is the case for arctic monkeys’ entire discography)


From: toofy mortimer (nee sharp)
Subj: sad

mini eiffel tower made of babybel cheese wax

Really sad to hear about Daniel "Cheeseboy" Miller. We once built a miniature eiffel tower from a babybel wax together. Happy times. RIC Cheeseboy.


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Re: Selling out

Sysadmin wrote:

...existing imaginary friends are not included and so would be disposed of humanely using bricks and shovels

Dear Sysadmin,

I am outraged and appalled that you woul simply despatch an entire gaggle of imaginary friends using bricks and shovels. I thought that was a jest - one in poor taste, but a jest, nevertheless. I was forced to sit down and reevaluate my opinion of SysAdmins.

I am sorry to say, I shall be seeking the help of imaginary animal liberationists to save all the existing imaginary friends so they might live a long and happy existence in the wild. But I shall also be suggesting to System Software Developers that, in future, chmod be changed so that a SysAdmin can be chmodded into being imaginary. See how you like it.

This is a sad day for civilisation. I have no problem with Vole selling out, but to ruthlessly enslave and then murder thousands of imaginary friends - it is the kind of nightmare scenario last seen with the Zong Massacre.

Yrs & c.

Sysadmin note: they're only imaginary bricks and shovels


From: Ancient Mesopotamian Farmer
Subj: My imaginary friend's tragedy

So one day, my fried got McDonalds. She got some chicken nuggets and some pickle sauce. Nicole was coming her way (Nicole as in the stack of meatloaf), so she decided to eat the nuggies on her balcony. She placed the nuggies on the ledge, and forgor about them. She came back 10 millenias later, and the chicken nuggies and sauce were gone. They flew away, and she was sad. She had sever stomach paint after that, and to heal it, she started to coconut.

So, anyway, I was sitting in my balcony the other day, and I got hit by a fierociously moldy chicken nugget. Sadly, this happened while I was folding my dishes and walking my pet fish, which my pet asparagus is allergic to. I named the asparagus Timofry T. Heodorel the 27th of Esparagus, after the Mesopotamian doctor. Anyway, he had an allergic reaction and started sneezing. After that, the pickle sauce came and decapitated him, making the moldy nuggets disintegrate.

I'm just kidding! I don't have a pet asparagus.

Not anymore.

So, anyway, how do I tell her that her nuggets are gone over the rainbow where the blue birds die?


From: Seth
Subj: Woah

Hi! I dunno how this completely works, so here goes. I'm an artist looking to make art with OTHER artists! This can be collabs, art trades, anything! I need more art friends!
trailmixsss on all platforms other than twitter, where you can find me at "itsjustaztec"!!


From: Dawn
Subj: guinea pigs

Why do people confuse guinea pigs for hamsters or rats

Guinea Piigs!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! yes thats a guinea pig :) not a RAt NoT A hAMstEr.


From: Saskia
Subj: Hit the low notes

I wonder if you would mind to do a "Hit the low notes" game, too. I screamed my lungs out to the "hit the high notes" (my highest was Prince) and it's so fun (until your neighbors call the police)!

Sysadmin note: we tried, but the frequencies get too close together and turn it into a bit of a random croaking contest


From: violet
Subj: hey guys

what should i do for my birthday, escape room or puppet making party?



Write a message for the next inbox

Web archive of past messages

Sign up to get future issues & submit stuff: