06 Dec ’22

"Whatever Linda wants for dinner"

Inbox #32: 18 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: The end is nigh

Santa and baubles

We’re hoping to send out a Vmail on 25th December, so we want your

  • Christmas messages for the world
  • End-of-year roundups about how 2022 was for you
  • Your New Year’s resolutions
  • Predictions for 2023
  • Drawings showing how you’re planning to celebrate

Click on a Write/Reply link and get typing or doodling, 5,500 subscribers are awaiting/dreading your nonsense...

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: A lost student
Subj: Math

How do I do matrixes?


From: Emily Oram
Subj: The Way U Talk About Ball

The Way U Talk About Ball

The Way U Talk About Ball is a weekly newsletter dedicated to all things football.

I don’t claim to be an expert or to fully understand the analytics that are so common these days, I’m just a fan with a lot to say, but together we can wade our way through the masses of content and find the fun, the quirky, the hot and the interesting.

Each week expect a round up of everything going on in the men’s game in England, Germany, Italy, Spain and France, as well as the women’s game in England, along with anything else of interest from further afield.

I’ll also share any funny, interesting or thought provoking tweets, articles or other media I’ve come across throughout the week



From: poohead binglecherry
Subj: Re: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?

anonymous wrote:

Have you been evil enough, or sickeningly nice?

i have been evil, santa!
I want MOLOTOV COCKTAILS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!


From: froggo
Subj: Re: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?

i want a hippopotamus for christmas evil santa!


From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: Re: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?

Have you been evil enough, or sickeningly nice?

Evil worst-Christmas-EVER shopping list:

  • Big box of All Bran
  • Mushrooms
  • Watery knock-off Baileys
  • Whatever Linda wants for dinner
  • Bread with too many bits in
  • Tinned hotdogs [Disgusting]
  • Tesco lager
  • CAKE (christmas pudding OK)
  • Shellfish like something from Aliens
  • Korma [pointless]
  • Vienetta
  • Dry turkey
  • Chcocolates on the tree that taste weird when you take them down


From: God
Subj: Re: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?

-I want a firecracker :)


From: Joel
Subj: Re: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?

the dog

I want this dog.
Not one looking like it, this exact dog.
You're Evil Santa, you can do anything, steal it.


From: baleen
Subj: Re: dear you

Lua wrote:

... you the news. See ya PS: I am attaching a photo of the public toilet in Dublin, it looked cute in the outside though.

Where the hell was this? I live in Dublin and I've never seen a public bathroom this rough.


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Selling out


I should like to confirm that your offer of the "Imaginary Friends Reunited" is a firm one and that it will hold at £4,400.99? Obviously this excludes VAT and post and packaging.

Are there any special precautions to be taking in the nurture and care of the wee beastie? What kind of facilities - bed, food and so on - are needed? And, what kind of vaccinations and medical care is required? For £3,999.74 I am expecting you to provide a full after sales service.

Please contact me - via ouija bawd if necessary - at your earliest convenience to discuss my delusion of owning "Imaginary Friends Reunited"

Yrs & c.

Not a real customer.

Sysadmin note: as stated on the site, existing imaginary friends are not included and so would be disposed of humanely using bricks and shovels


From: Hooch
Subj: Re: I hate everyone

anonymous wrote:

One of my housemates has stuffed paper in the toaster slots and wrote DO NOT LET THE SCORPION OUT on it

Did you let the scorpion out? And was that before or after the note appeared in the toaster?


From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz?

Now, Where did I put my hairdryer?

Glossy but gritty series such as Hill Street Blues, St Elsewhere and LA Law ruled the 80s. There was a glut of them, much like in the following decades when they repeated the trick with ER, Chicago Hope, Boston Legal, West Wing, etc, etc. They were dramas but soaped up to the max… but the difference was that the 80s production was naff and the actors of the day were not, never were, never will be, film stars which meant that most of them were pretty wooden. Which brings us to King of the Trees.

Number 12: Harry Hamlin

Who is Harry Hamlin?
In the 1980s Harry was Perseus in Clash of the Titans attacking a variety of jerky monsters and then spent a number of years guest-starring in series – I love the way that they use the term “guest-starring” in the US, they are just guests regardless of whether you have ever heard of them. In the UK, a guest star is a big actor doing another programme. His big break came in 1987 when he joined the ensemble cast of more barely decent actors at LA Law. A series which he described as seeing current events through the prism of the law but most people described as yuppie lawyers looking good.

Are they still in the Biz?
Well, before we visit that one, let’s see what happened when LA Law finally, mercifully left the airwaves. The answer is back to guest-starring. This time though he would actually would have been known by viewers. He picked up a few multi-episodes and you might have seen him in Veronica Mars. But that was 2012. I think I am pretty clued up for TV but the last sixteen programmes he was in, after Glee, I have never heard of. Well, one rings a vague bell but this is not “Who has the worst career after they made it big?” - Harry is walking off with the big prize there - but “Are they still in he Biz?” And the answer is yes, Harry has a 2022 credit on Flowers in the Attic: The Origin which according to iMBD is a TV miniseries…

Next Time: Oh, we could do most of the cast on LA Law, to be honest…


From: Mr.Sploinky
Subj: glue, pets, and bible politics

to Virus: i knew all along after you left that blue glowing glue in that ditch, luckily a good snack as i was starving after the worms in my skin ate all my leftovers
and no, the police will not be contacted, but i have made a deal to give 10% of my glue stocks to the IRS in exchange for no tax returns

to Mendosa: i think that would be special delivery, but remember to mark the box with the important PUKING CAT sticker, you can get them at the glue factory website or at the glue factory itself, id recommend taking the 5.3 million mile drive though as delivery of stickers is a pain

glue is good
glue makes hand sanitizer, not very good but it is nice
wood glue is the best skin supplement thin as paper
green glue explodes
yellow glue explodes
glue explodes

i do not have much visions for pets
i like hotdog stands

the thing you've all been waiting for...
i havent read the bible i need opinions before i read i heard its a good one but im really confused on if its like the starwars where i need to watch the movies aka read the chapters out of order or if its like planetbattles where i need to eat a certain food before i watch the movies so i feel this or that way also where is the bible part two and the bible part three i really would want to continue the series after watching the first book...
alright thanks


From: teri
Subj: olm un-appreciation

lil wet noodle demon

this is an olm. that are the more noodly, more blind cousin of the axolotl. they have no eyes, yet can stare into your soul.
this one has been stalking me for months can someone help me get rid of it


From: Mice, a collective co-op
Subj: Mouse War Update

Dear Brothers-

We are badly losing the long-fought War Of The Large Pink Dumpster Behind The Pharmaceutical Company That Throws Away Dangerous Chemicals (WOTLPDBTPCTTADC).The rats have taken over territory, and our spies have detected new intel. The rats may have acquired Feline Steeds in hopes of defeating us. Lucky for us, the battle site of the WOTLPDBTPCTTADC has many hidden treasures that we can scavenge, such as Steroids or Nerve Gas. (We currently do not know why there is such a thing at the battle site of the WOTLPDBTPCTTADC, but rest assured we shall use it to our advantage.) My message to you: Fight, brothers, fight! Fight for your place in the history books! We shall win this war!*


  • Jeremy the Long-Toothed
  • Terrence the Devourer
  • Daniel "Cheeseboy" Miller
  • Shredder Chucky
  • Big Jim

We must avenge those who have fallen! WE SHALL PREVAIL!*

Do not forget to clip your claws. Our dear comrade Shredder Chucky, may he forever reside in the Land Of Cheese, did not cut his sharpened claws, and he sliced his own throat. Condolences to the families of the fallen.

Those who find traitors in our midst shall be rewarded with 2 extra rations of cheese. Terms and Conditions apply.


Comrade Tristaphor Christopher

*According to recent data our scientists have collected, there is an 82% chance that we will lose the war.


From: anonymous
Subj: Help Me

Whatever is this

I don't remember nothing, who/where I'm, what I was doing before I fell asleep. I have just woke up with this mobile, I don't know what they want me to do.


From: we_love_music491860
Subj: music

what's your favorite music?
what's your favorite song?
what's your favorite genre?
what's your favorite artist?
what's your favorite album?

I would like to know what kind of music the people of vmail enjoy
and how would you describe bad, good, or mid songs?
I think really bad songs should be described as if you're having a seizure while tripping on acid with just bass playing through your headphones
good music is something you can flow with, and never gets old
mid music, well, it's something you can listen to, but not all the time

how would you describe these favorites of yours?
Please, i'd love to know


From: Brycen
Subj: Shrek with a helmet

Shrek with a helmet



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