Inbox #31: 11 new messages
From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Selling out
After some scammy/weird enquiries about buying/renting(?!) the site, we decided to put a price on everything.
We’ll probably get even scammier/weirder enquiries now, ah well.
- Vmail Sysadmin
Subj: I hate everyone
One of my housemates has stuffed paper in the toaster slots and wrote DO NOT LET THE SCORPION OUT on it
Subj: dear you
Hey,are you ok?
(how did you got here?)
Hope you are doing fine, how is your family?
When I went to Dublin last weekend I remembered those words you said to me, thank you for your advise, im never going to a public bathroom again.
When I get home I'll call you so we can see each other, I need to tell you the news.
PS: I am attaching a photo of the public toilet in Dublin, it looked cute in the outside though.
Subj: Re: glue factory
what are your takes on glue factories?
Is the glue Made of horses, or goats?
is the GlUe non-toxic, or deadly to touch?
is glue glue
is glue blue?
blue glue glows? maybe
what is glue?
leave your theoRies in the comments!
As a ✨glue expert✨ I’m going to answer your questions. Glue is made of pigeons, I know, it’s awful. Glue during the process of creation is deadly to touch and will instantly kill you. Any glue you buy from the store will slowly kill you over time. Is glue glue? I’m afraid the answer is no. Is glue blue? No comment. Blue glue glows? HOW DID YOU KNOW? DID YOU BREAK INTO OUR SECRET FACTORY? Uhh…please don’t call the police……
From: Mendosa Wheelbarrow
Subj: Re: glue factory
Whenever my cat misbehaves, such as when she throws up on my head in the middle of the night, or deposits urine in my shoes, I threaten to send her to the glue factory and have her melted down to be turned into a bottle of Gloy. This usually works for around 24 hours, then she forgets and vomits on me again.
So far, I have not actually resorted to sending her to the glue factory, as I'm not sure whether she'd need to be sent recorded or special delivery.
Subj: happy gargoyle
he so happy
From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News (royal poetry edition)
________ ______ ____ _____
|_ __ | .' ___ ||_ \|_ _|
| |_ \_|/ .' \_| | \ | |
| _| _ | | ____ | |\ \| |
_| |__/ |\ `.___] |_| |_\ |_
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~
This issue has, joyously, been replaced at the last minute by royal decree, along with our editor! Fans of Gretch may queue silently along the main fester trench tomorrow for a skull viewing.
Instead of our in-depth coverage of the Battle of Slime River and the latest weapons and defence guidance against the human menace, we are honoured to present the Goblin Queen's poems commemorating the recent Goblin Day:
In slimy troughs we slide and glide,
The goblin party is in full swing,
We dance and sing and have some fun,
Until the sludge is gone.
Skullcrushers, painbringers, two great teams
Clashing on the field, helmets shining in the sun
Skulls will be crushed, pain will be brought
This is the game, the great brainball
I, Goblin Queen, watch from my throne
As the two teams battle, blood is shed
The Skullcrushers are crushing, the Painbringers are in pain
But who will win this great game?
The brainball flies back and forth,
With hearts and lungs and livers,
But in the end there can be only one,
And the Skullcrushers are victorious!
All hail to the Goblin King!
Leader of our dark brigade,
May your reign be forever victorious,
And your goblins never fade!
With bile in our throats,
And teeth sharpened to spikes,
We howl in unison
To your darkness and might!
THE SHADOW PEOPLE
We goblins love our poison cakes,
We bake them up with glee,
Then we lie down in our graves
To meet the people shadowy
We giggle and laugh as we nibble,
Not caring if we die,
For we know that in the shadow realm
We'll forever in slime lie
So if you see a goblin lying
In a grave all alone,
Know that they’re not really dead,
Just waiting for the shadows to come.
I, QUEEN OF GOBLINS
Hark! The Goblin Queen doth sing
While all the goblins listen,
As the entrails glisten,
And the death bells all ring.
Hark! At the terror I bring!
From: Duck Fearer
Subj: Re: I love ducks
Hi! I love ducks, i don't know why, but they are beautiful, you know? If you read this, please, send this message to another person :D
My duck won't stop growing its now 6 feet tall help what do i do
Subj: Phillip K Dick In Space
It was a dark and stormy night. Phillip K. Dick was driving home from work, when he saw a strange light in the sky. It was getting closer and closer, and he could see that it was a UFO. He pulled over to the side of the road to watch as it landed in a nearby field.
As he got closer, he could see that there were aliens inside the ship. They were all wearing silver suits and had big, black eyes. They were coming towards him, and he was terrified.
He turned to run, but it was too late. They were already upon him. He felt a sharp pain in his back, and then everything went black.
When he woke up, he was inside the ship. The aliens were standing around him, staring at him. He tried to move, but he couldn't. He was paralyzed.
The aliens began to speak to him telepathically. They told him that they were from a faraway planet, and that they needed his help. They said that their planet was dying, and that they needed him to come with them to help them save it.
Phillip decided to not go and went home for dinner.
From: The Style Dictator
Subj: Take note or be forever cursed
- Eye of newt
- A pinch of graveyard dirt
- A twig from a lightning-struck tree
- Hair from a black cat
- Toenail clippings
- Dragon's blood
- Unicorn horn
- Phoenix tears
- Serpent's tongue
- A lock of hair from a hanged man
Subj: What do you want from Evil Santa this year?
Have you been evil enough, or sickeningly nice?