27 Oct ’22

"It looks pretty ropey but it counts"

Inbox #30: 18 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Vole nonsense

Crisp Sandwich Day 2022

Crisp Sandwich Day was a huge success! Some people had free crisp sandwiches in pubs, others posted pics of their homemade ones, and it was just a nice fun thing. Let’s do it again next year.

Want to take part in some other vole nonsense?

We’d like to add new episodes to TrudgeCast, a podcast of people’s journeys to work (or any other regular trip). To contribute, you do an audio recording (normal corded earbud mic is usually fine if protected from wind) with an introduction at the start, then you can commentate/chat or stay silent for the rest.

And ButtyStock needs more batches of crisp sandwich photos/videos (we’re going to stop when it reaches 1,000 items). Could you create dozens of interesting new pics? We pay contributors with lots of crisps.

Email or grab us on Twitter for more details...

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Levon and phill
Subj: Is clear a color?

I vote yes


From: Richard Tingley
Subj: How are we all doing?

I'm Fine


From: Tommy Mackay
Subj: replies from the former Emperor

Captain Crackerjack wrote:

I've just got back from Scotland. I spent a few days in Leith for work. My observations are: 1. The pubs in Leith seem ...

Cannae beat Leith! Here I am performing in a pub there a while back

Mark "the man" Mann wrote:

Got to be honest I didn't like it much the hotdog fingers made me gag whyy would you do that i feel ill again now

I like hotdogs. Don't like fingers.

anonymous wrote:

I designed you a crown inspiref by Scotland and Twin Peaks

Thank you so much. I am wearing it now. In my pants.

anonymous wrote:

I was walking home from the pub one night when I was accosted by a group of burly men. They grabbed me and threw me into...

...myself. Looking back, I can see that it was a once in a lifetime experience, and I'm glad I was able to be a part of it.

Everybody sing!

Matt wrote:

After many years of analysis I've finally cracked The Prisoner - it's about werewolves. Rover the white bubble thing...

Top analysis. Here have a Prisoner/Jonathan Richman song

Hooch wrote:

May I recommend that any fans of The Fall check out Leeds noisemakers Ultimate Thunder? Favourable comparisons have been made...

Excellent. May I also recommend The Foul

Jimbo wrote:

never got into their music, it’s all a bit shouty

Sorry, I can't hear you, I've gone deaf.


From: Half-Scut
Subj: Re: Scotland

Captain Crackerjack wrote:

I've just got back from Scotland. I spent a few days in Leith for work. My observations are: 1. The pubs in Leith seem ...

It is a family WhatsApp tradition (odd thing to write, that) to take a photo of the ruined cottage at Lamberton Skerrs on that part of the rail journey. Great work, engineers.


From: Alex
Subj: I love ducks


Hi! I love ducks, i don't know why, but they are beautiful, you know? If you read this, please, send this message to another person :D

- Alex


From: Tammytastic
Subj: Re: Re: Best songs on a sci-fi / space theme

Tala the enby alien wrote:

Doctor Who goes 70s Heavy Metal (with a Deep Purple connection)

Try this abomination from when the show was out on hiatus in the 80s


From: Feathers
Subj: Re: Re: Best songs on a sci-fi / space theme

And this 80’s “hit”

I loved it.
No wonder everyone else thought I was strange


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Re: Best songs on a sci-fi / space theme

The_cold_stare wrote:

Spaceman by The Killers. Spaceman by Babylon Zoo. Spaceman by Sam Ryder. I’m the Urban Spaceman by Neil Innes. A Spaceman came Travelling by Chris De Burgh. Somebody stop me…

I wish someone had stopped you before you mentioned the Chris de Burgh song. I now have that dreadful nonsense stuck in my head, and it's not even Christmas.


From: Are they still in The Biz
Subj: The_cold_stare

I have got a Curly Wurly in my pocket

Now we come to an easy one, right? There are actors you know are still working. They are instantly recognisable, you don’t want to punch their teeth down their throat, they always seemed to have been around and yet, hmm, when was the last time you saw them – not being repeated on Gold? Ah, maybe they went onto the stage, or they are in something you wouldn’t watch if they paid you, or maybe they appeared on advert for, you know, that thing with whatsername from that programme.

Number 11. James Dreyfus

Who is James Dreyfus?

Really? Okay, he played Constable Goody, wetter than a fish getting out of a shower in a thunderstorm and yet still somehow a policeman. He also went on to play opposite Kathy Burke in a programme that some called a comedy, Gimme Gimme Gimme.

Are they still in the Biz?

Well, yes obviously, mate, now don’t waste anymore of my time I want to catch up on the latest Goblin News.

Or are they? After Gimme Gimme Gimme there was a bit of a lull for James. He turned up in a Waking The Dead and then actually woke the dead by taking over from Ardal O’Hanlon on My Hero in the sixth and, thankfully, final series. Then he moved into serious acting and started appearing in all our old favourites such as Casualty and Holby City. I would say you want to steer clear of Bristol if you are planning a move. Accident capital of the world.

James doesn’t have a credit for every year since My Hero ended and Wikipedia mentions no stage work so what happened in 2008, 2010 and 2018 is anyone’s guess. Then we reach the important bit and find a credit for 2022. It’s a short. It looks pretty ropey but it counts. Mainly because I have never written any rules for deciding what “in the biz” means. So, by default, because this short could be filmed on an iPhone by his mother but counts if someone can edit iMDB, James is still in the Biz. Well done.

Next time: I might do an ensemble. If I can remember which programme I saw a cast photo of. Which I can’t right now


From: Agent #22987
Subj: Re: Where?

??? wrote:

When is it? How will we survive? WHERE IS IT???
Avoid apocalypse. Avoid Apollyon. Avoid panic. Avoid chaos. Stay calm and quiet.

I advise evryone in this time period to stay calm and lay low. Due to unforseen and totally un-preventable cirsumstances. The entity known as Apollyon has some how mysteriously awoken. I have talked with head quarters in the timeline -REDACTED- about this situation. Until then avoid panic while we figure this out and whatever you do avoid rooms that seem "ab-normally bright" or random holes that seem "ab-normally deep" and make sure to report anything suspicious to your -REDACTED- agency. Stay safe


From: ???
Subj: What are you?

Who is this?

What am I? Are you? Am I? Why are you? Why haven't I?


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Re: Re: UK recession shopping list

baleen wrote:

Talk to me about soup. I'm eager to learn more about how to make my own soup, especially french onion soup.

Anything can be soup. Just chuck it in a pan with some liquid, if needed (this could be stock, juice or just plain water), heat it up and blitz the heck out of it with a hand blender (making sure not to splash it all over the place). Voila - soup.


From: H
Subj: Re: Re: Re: UK recession shopping list

Soup is your friend. Here's how I make my onion soup – I know the instructions might sound vague but that's because there's loads of room for playing around and making it your own.

slice up onions plus a few cloves of garlic. I do at least six large onions for a few bowls for me and a few portions for the freezer. But if I have a glut of onions, I'll often just slice then all up. As for garlic, the more onion, the more garlic.

In a large pan, melt generous scoop of butter plus oil over medium (go medium-low if your hob is fierce) heat. Saute onions and garlic until the onions are deliciously soft. Do not salt until they are properly softened (delays the softening process, and it takes a long time to properly soften onions. Most recipe books massively underestimate the time it takes.) Keep an eye on the heat and turn it low if needed: if it's too low the worst that will happen is that your onions will take a long time to cook. Too high though and they will burn and you cannot rescue that, you'll just be left with bitter soup.

When you have onions that are soft, golden brown and so delicious you just want to stick them directly in your face and not bother turning them into soup, sprinkle over a few tbsps of flour and let cook for a minute or so.

Now we're going to add liquid (gradually at first so the flour doesn't go lumpy). What should the liquid be? What do you have? Beef stock is always good (cubes/gel things are fine) but if I've boiled a ham I will always make onion soup with the ham cooking water. How much? Depends on how many onions give used but I'd start with 500ml liquid and then add more as needed, probably winding up using 1 liter plus. But again, it's easier to add more water than condense a ship that's too watery, so go cautiously.

Add a large glass of white wine, if you like. Red wine, madiera, sherry (smaller amount) also good. I've also used cider before (but apple only, not the sort that's flavoured with blackberries etc.) Don't want to use / don't have suitable booze? No worries, leave it out, maybe add more stock.

Add a few sprigs of thyme. Let simmer gently for an hour. Some recipes will tell you to add sugar but I don't, I find the onions sweet enough when properly caramelised. Taste the soup – what does it need? Probably some salt (unless you've used ham stock, where it is probably salty enough). More stock? Pepper?? Just taste and adjust.

When you're ready to eat, you have a number of options. To be authentic, you're supposed to make large croutons, top with cheese and flash your bowl of soup under the grill to toast the cheese. I find this a bit too hazardous (I am clumsy).

Instead, I basically make a slice of cheese on toast (assuming you don't need instructions for that but shout if so), making sure to spread the bread with dijon mustard before I add the cheese (usually gryere or emmenthal but I will cheerfully use a mature cheddar if that's all I've got in the fridge). Thick bread much better than thin. Hand-sliced thick even better.

Ladle soup into large bowl. Cut cheese on toast into four triangles and add to soup. Allow bread to absorb some soup before you tuck in.

Enjoy your soup. All is now well with the world.


From: Crispy
Subj: Crisp Sandwiches

what should i put on my crisp sandwich? So far i've tried vegemite and crisps and ham and crisps


From: Mariyah
Subj: Me

This is me

Me yas I am a beauty


From: Mr.Sploinky
Subj: glue factory

what are your takes on glue factories?
Is the glue Made of horses, or goats?
is the GlUe non-toxic, or deadly to touch?
is glue glue
is glue blue?
blue glue glows? maybe

what is glue?
leave your theoRies in the comments!


From: anonymous
Subj: yall are the best

keep it up



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