05 Oct ’22

"Eat up and meet the Shadow People"

Inbox #27: 15 new messages

Write a message for the next inbox

From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: JPEG glitch lovers rejoice


Forget Instagram, instead upload your pics to the worst-quality photo sharing site on the internet: Kilogram

Every image gets crunched down to a maximum size of 1KB (1,024 bytes) for efficient storage.

Also: Only 20 days to go until Crisp Sandwich Day! You can now buy T shirts in 3 flavours, with all profits going to The Trussell Trust.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Jim
Subj: Tower Climb

Hey, are you ascending platform in a tower? Then, you may need this song I put together. Are beating up guys with baseball bats and/or incongruous futuristic or medieval weapons while you do so? Then, you especially need this!

Tower Climb


From: JM
Subj: Re: What happens after the end of the universe?

Auaro wrote:

I want to hear your opinions on what happens when the universe stops expanding.

Bad things mostly, I'd wager.


From: TC
Subj: Re: What happens after the end of the universe?

Given long enough time, the random molecule movements should mean that all of the universe will compress back into a single point by sheer chance, and BOOM! another big bang.

Please someone with a time machine confirm if that happens. If it does then my luck is already spent, but if not then I will buy a lottery ticket.


From: Agent #22987
Subj: Re: What happens after the end of the universe?

We all seize to exist, I would know I'm from the future, our high tech gamma rays detected a disturbance in the space ripples after the evil lord BORG activated his graviton 200, stopping the known universe from expanding. Since then it was a race against the clock to send me (agent #22987) back in time to save the known universe. Since the universe had stopped expanding, it was faced with one option: to start collapsing. Suddenly the calm lake galaxy had turned into a raging ocean within seconds. The details are too advanced for this timeline so I'll leave it at this: Wish me luck.


From: Matt
Subj: ULTIMATE cheese on toast recipe

cheese on toast

  • Grill one side of your preferred bread
  • Turn over, apply butter to ungrilled side
  • Add a thin layer of brown sauce or sprinkling of Worcestershire Sauce (or maybe Marmite if you're a deviant)
  • Spread one Dairylea triangle (or similar knock-off brand) evenly over each slice
  • Carefully cover with sliced (not grated) strong cheddar
  • Sprinkle with finely-chopped spring onion or chives
  • Grill until cheddar is browning but before bread burns around the edges


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: UK recession shopping list

Hello guys, soup is really good. Especially mushroom soup. It is really easy to make soup. Soup can be anything (definetely), pls if u want pls talk to me PLEASE



From: Hooch
Subj: Re: The best cocktails

A simple margarita cocktail picture, rendered in Excel.

Captain Crackerjack wrote:

OK, so objectively the best cocktail is the Negroni (all alcohol, nice bitter taste, looks badass), but I'd be interested to know what other people's opinions on the best cocktails are, and why.

Your opinion on the Negroni is very much subjective, it is vile!

My vote goes to the Margarita. Plenty of booze plus the delicious sour lime/salt combo. And an easy to remember 3:2:1 ratio of tequila, lime and triple sec.


From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz

That’s right, Johnny, it’s a P45

“We are…da management”. Back in the 70s, 80s and 90s, the mantle of top comedy double act was being passed down and with each pass getting just a little bit less funny. Morecambe and Wise to Little and Large to Cannon and Ball. And then along came something a bit more edgy. They had catchphrases, characters, a fat ITV contract. Surely they would be around for years and years…

Number 10: Hale and Pace

Who are Hale and Pace?

Norman Pace and Gareth Hale famously met as trainee teachers in the 1970s and decided to try comedy. They managed to get onto the circuit and ended up on The Young Ones a few time which built their cred. They made a good stab at a sketch show on ITV and then the BBC bought them and that was their lot. A bit too edgy for big audiences and a bit too safe for the alternative comedy crowd, they went their separate ways

Are they still in the Biz?

After h&p@bbc (never heard of it) failed, Gareth went into TV acting and Norman onto the stage. Gareth moved from one show to another via the Five soap Family Affairs where he played Doug for three years. Meanwhile Norman got the theatre bug, occasionally doing TV work such as the riveting A Round With Pace golf borefest, until 2018 when they both ended up in Benidorm. Rave! Oh, the programme. After that finished Gareth carried on with TV while Norman disappears from iMDB. So, are they both using their Equity cards? According to the rules I made up which I now realise don’t make much sense, one is and one isn’t. No sign of anything after 2021 for Gareth whereas Norman as of March 2022 was in Hairspray, no doubt blowing Christopher Walken’s portrayal of Wilbur out of the water.

Next time: Oh, I know exactly what I am doing next. All under control. No worries


From: anonymous


I love u <3


From: Werriam Mebster
Subj: Word of the Day! #3

Word of the day: Waffley
Def: When an object is so divinely amazing that it rivals the amazingness of waffles.
Ex: The waffles were so waffley that they challenged the waffleyness of waffles.


From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

In this issue, we bring you all the latest about the run up to Goblin Day!

Halloween is a human holiday that is celebrated annually on October 31. It is also a day when humans are more likely to be killed or injured in car accidents!

Humans are so weak and pathetic and their celebration is an abomination. It is a feeble attempt to copy our great holiday of Goblin Day, and it fails miserably. The pathetic costumes, the lame decorations, the candy that tastes like garbage – it's all an insult to our holiday.

Goblin Day is a time for us to celebrate our heritage and our power. While the humans are out trying to scare each other and failing miserably, we'll be planning ways to torment them and enjoying our own celebrations.

Until next time, stay evil!

Celebrate the founding of our kingdom by honouring the Goblin King, howling starts at first light. Don't forget to gargle with bile and file your teeth!

We'll be adding the longest slides ever to our troughs and sliming them up even more, but the entrance fee stays the same as last year (one finger/toe).

Eat up and meet the Shadow People for yourself! Graves are on a first-come, first-served basis and must be vacated on revival.

Skullcrushers vs The Painbringers
The Bloodletters vs Dark Titans
Midnight Riders vs Demon Spawn
The Brainball Blasters vs The Suffocators
The controversial new mercy-slaughter offside rule will be in operation.

Always a fun way to end the day!


From: mal
Subj: 80s pop stars who are now effective environmentalists

Fergal Sharkey, looking a bit rough

I was in a shop today where former Undertones lead singer Fergal Sharkey's solo hit "A Good Heart" happened to be playing over the sound system. Fergal Sharkey is now a respected and high-profile critic of the British government's inaction on water pollution and the environmental and health issues caused by water pollution & resultant habitat loss. I was trying to think if there were any other pop singers who were moderately popular in the mid 1980s but later became respected for their environmental activism. Then it struck me that there was one other: Morten Harket of the band "A-ha". Morten and the band's high-profile criticism of the Norwegian government over the lack of strong policies to support electric vehicle ownership is given some of the credit for Norway's current high levels of electric car ownership. So that's two, but you need three for a pattern. Can anyone think of another mid-80s pop star who later became a proper environmentalist? Not photoshoot for PETA stuff, but detailed policy suggestions.


From: ayman
Subj: football

i love football make me a footballer


From: Hooch
Subj: Best songs on a sci-fi / space theme

A flying saucer spaceship hovers above an alien planet

Recommended listening for a sci-fi playlist? I have got as far as all of Jeff Wayne's War of the Worlds.



Write a message for the next inbox

Web archive of past messages

Sign up to get future issues & submit stuff: