17 Sep ’22

"i will be turned into a complete brainless frog"

Inbox #25: 15 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Astronaut to accountant

Childhood Ambitions

What did you want to be when you grew up?

We asked 800 people about their ambitions... and how their careers actually turned out. Here are the results

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: The best cocktails

OK, so objectively the best cocktail is the Negroni (all alcohol, nice bitter taste, looks badass), but I'd be interested to know what other people's opinions on the best cocktails are, and why.


From: The Style Dictator
Subj: listen up, losers

The Style Dictator


  • Boring sandwiches
  • Spaghetti tacos
  • Ramen burgers
  • Sushi burritos
  • Jellied eels
  • Frozen pizzas topped with marshmallows
  • Spicy pickled caterpillars


  • Cronuts
  • Rainbow bagels
  • Turducken
  • Foie gras
  • Peanut butter and jelly with onions
  • Soup made with live frogs
  • Cake balls


From: babybel4eva
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Opening letter

anonymous wrote:

My poodle ate supernoodles and sicked them up in the conservatory it wasn't funny

Was there a babybel in it?


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Opening letter

Poodle vomiting noodles


From: Feathers
Subj: My dog

I have a new puppy. She’s cute and fluffy and all the things a puppy should be. She smells nice, has learned to sit and high five and sleeps in the bed with us. She comes to work with me and mostly doesn’t poo in other people’s offices. Until last night. When she ate a whole alive snail AND it’s shell.
I threw up a little in my mouth.
Puppies are gross.
The end.


From: anonymous
Subj: the door

the door

we've been staying in a cottage for two weeks. upstairs are the extra bedrooms we're not using, a nice bathroom we've used, and at the end of the landing is this door.

this evening i was curious and went to open it, but as i was reaching out to the handle a light came on behind the door and i heard a radio.

i've just walked round outside trying to work out where the room is and how anyone could get in or out. hope they're not getting a room for free that we've paid for, this place cost a fortune


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: It's my birthday

Birthday Girl wrote:

None of you have wished me HAPPY BIRTHDAY or sent me a card
NONE of you
Should be ASHAMED

I am deeply ashamed.

My shame is so deep that I believe it possible to drown tall people - for clarity, tall is over six feet, and not nice, "weird corner of the web" feet either. Indeed, my shame could be redistributed to all the contributors to Vole.wtf and everybody - literally everybody, no exceptions - would get a teaspoon full and I would sill have a considerable amount left over.

I am not certain what to do with all this shame.

But I will promise to forget to send you a card next year. Forgetting to send a card engenders no shame. Just the realisation that you are slipping into senility.

Yrs & c.


From: BAKER E.
Subj: Re: It's my birthday

angry cake

Heres a cake I made you of angry birthday face (mostly only do office equipment cakes but this is special exception)
Don't know where to send it so I'll eat it


From: froggo
Subj: im a frog

          ( O     O )  
          /   . .   \  
        /(           )\  
      _/  \  \   /  /  \_  
   .~   `  \  \ /  /  '   ~.  
  {    -.   \  V  /   .-    }  
_ _`.    \  |  |  |  /    .'_ _  
>_       _} |  |  | {_       _<  
 /. - ~ ,_-'  .^.  `-_, ~ - .\  
         '-'|/   \|`

by the time i have sent this i will be turned into a complete brainless frog. im warning you to tell you that there has been a radioactive outbreak that will turn anybody who drinks/eats it into a big fat frog. i have undertaken that curse. if you do not want to be turned into a frog, listen to me. you have to only drink pepsi. i know. its horrific. but the caffeine in it will be enough to dissolve the curse. and the horrificness of it i suppose. i...dont have...any time left...so....be.......warned....!!!!


From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 11/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part eleven of eleven.


From: Werriam Mebster
Subj: Word of the day!

Word of the Day: Walfer
Def: When a man named Walter falters.
EX: Walter walfered when the one other Walter walfered the Walter competition for both Walter and Walter.
Synonym: Fawalter Antonym: Walger


From: Mr Help
Subj: Brainz

It crossed my mind to write something and I think I had something worthwhile to say only a minute ago but since starting to write it I’ve forgotten what it was, which seems happen more often these days. Anyway this isn’t a problem because A) nothing is a problem (that’s a freebie for life btw) and B) it can in itself link to another thought - which in this case is this - which hopefully may provide some amusement. Unless you’re bored to a state of rigor mortis already. If so I recommend rum.

So. It reminded me of an old two-page diary entry from when I was about 10 years old. My diary entry for those two summer days read like this:

  1. Today I didn’t do my diary and my diary for today is on the other page.
  2. Today I did two diaries, this one is for today and also for yesterday.

Point being, rejoice in your faults, and those of others around you. Our failings, unless too horrendous, are actually the things that make us interesting. We’re all a bit mad, and that’s ok.


From: lizzie
Subj: a haiku for trying times

My head is fizzy
It feels so very dizzy
I am too busy


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Royal Rap to perform at jubilee

royal rap lyrics

Gregory P. Thurgood III wrote:

Yo, yo, yo, check it I'm the queen...

So sad we'll never see her perform this bet she wanted to



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