06 Sep ’22

"My poodle ate supernoodles"

Inbox #24: 12 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Crisp Sandwich Day; future of Vmail

Crisp Sandwich Day, 25th October

Flip the page on your Cliff Richard swimsuit calendar and mark 25th October with a big circle so you don’t forget Crisp Sandwich Day, an amazing new annual event we’ve launched to celebrate the iconic foodstuff.

Why that date? Well, it also happens to be St Crispin’s Day...

Vmail needs YOU
We’d love to send issues out more often, but rely on you sending in stuff. So if you’ve got a story to tell, a pic to show or something to promote to nearly 5,000 people, click a Write link and bung it our way, we consider every bit of nonsense that comes in.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: the apocalypse - vol. 11

Stories+ wrote:

DAY NINE - December 28, 2011 Robin slept on the couch, with two blankets. He was in bed till about 11 AM because he was ...

... house and fills the hiking bag. Luckily this time there is a can opener (until next time, when the phone may ring...)

I am liking the Apocalypse. I mean, obviously, I am not liking the Apocalypse. It is the end of days and a bloody big disaster, after all. But I am liking it. Sharpens the senses. Knowing that one day the World will be filled with shambling undead. A bit like a spa day but with adrenaline.

Yrs & c.


From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

All goblins who had direct contact with humans during the recent raiding party MUST undergo Putrification immediately, by direct order of the Dark Lord:

  1. Find a human's head and place it in a jar of urine.
  2. After three days, it will begin to decompose and turn into a green, slimy substance. Rub this all over your body.
  3. The smell of the human's rotting flesh will attract spine beetles, which will then lay their eggs on you.
  4. Kneel in an alcove and chant "Blood for the Dark Lord, flesh for the horde" until the eggs hatch.
  5. The larvae will crawl all over your body, eating the human flesh before burrowing into your skin.
  6. Lie in a sludge trough and release the beetles using a bone knife.
  7. Celebrate your Putrification at the hollowed tree.

All other activities are suspended until 100% Putrification, we look forward to bringing you a freshly putrified mix of news and lifestyle articles in the next issue!


From: Bagpuss
Subj: Tory, or not Tory

The people have spoken - well, 0.3% of them - electing Liz Truss to continue the arduous task of ruining Britain. I always thought that you could spot a Tory a mile off, so I microwaved up a stupid game to test this theory.

In "Tory, or not Tory", you'll see official portraits of 10 Members of Parliament. You decide if each photo is of a Conservative MP, or from one of the other political parties that you'd be better off voting for.


-- Thanks :)


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: from the future in 3000

RBM2010 wrote:

In the future we can teleport from place to place and we each have our own super power (other than teleporting) like flying, super strength, invisibility,super speed etc. We have also cured all sicknesses including the flu and the common cold.

Ok but I need to know if you live underwater


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: from the future in 3000

RBM2010 wrote:

In the future we can teleport from place to place and we each have our own super power (other than teleporting) like flying, super strength, invisibility,super speed etc. We have also cured all sicknesses including the flu and the common cold.

Yeah and everyone gets a lolly. A cold dead lolly with no sugar in it. One that tastes of death. The end of all lollies and things. That's the future. It's ok though coz all the birds and bugs and stuff get to have the planet back without us ape-fools messing it up. As it should be.


From: anonymous
Subj: Nostalgia blast 3

Back to the '70s

Yet again we’re taking you back to the good old days, this time to reminisce about when politicians were proper characters and not bland robots!

Sir Geoffrey "The Goat" Grenville, MP for Chelsea
Nicknamed “The Goat” after headbutting a journalist, he was also known for his drinking and drug use. In 1977, he was arrested for possession and later expelled from his party before losing his seat, attracting fewer votes than the Monster Raving Loony Party. In the 1980s, he was convicted of fraudulently applying for BT shares.

Harold "The Butcher" Bannister, MP for West Ham
As a young journalist, Bannister gained a following for his brutal coverage of public figures. In 1972, he was involved in the "Pint of Order" scandal, in which he was caught aggressively demanding drinks from visitors in a House of Commons bar. Bannister was eventually expelled from his party in 1974 after it was revealed that he had been involved in a plot to smuggle arms to the IRA. He died in 2009.

Sir John Bullingdon, MP for Eton and Slough (nicknamed "Bulldog")
After a promising start to his political career, Sir John was embroiled in a series of scandals that ultimately led to his downfall, including allegations of financial impropriety, harassment, and links to organised crime. He later became a lobbyist for the tobacco industry.

Derek "The Duke" Haddock, MP for Richmond
Haddock became involved in a number of controversies, including working with mercenaries and members of the House of Lords to plot a military coup to overthrow the UK government. He was eventually forced to resign from Parliament in disgrace after failing to pay a lunch bill.

"Foghorn" Penelope Fotherington-Thomas, MP for Bromley
Fotherington-Thomas was embroiled in scandal when affairs with several high-profile figures were revealed, including a member of the Royal Family. “Foghorn” was also accused of taking bribes and using her position to influence government contracts. After her resignation, she moved to the United States where she wrote a tell-all book about her time in politics. In recent years she has made a comeback as a political commentator on television.

"Dirty" Harry Braddock, MP for Southwark and Bermondsey
A cult figure to many, he was one of the most outspoken MPs of his time and known for his scathing putdowns. He was also involved in several scandals, including the "Pint of No Return" incident in which he was caught urinating in a glass, and the "Dirty Harry" affair in which he was caught defecating in a taxi. He lost his seat in the 1979 general election and died in obscurity in 2006.


From: baleen
Subj: Re: Neighsayers

fam wrote:

Shergar is buried at Stonehenge. DB Cooper told me that.

A young fellow from an agricultural background once explained to me that the real reason Shergar disappeared was because secretly he was infertile. This was a problem because he was approaching the end of his racehorse career when normally a racehorse would be able to be put out to stud, earning big sums of money. But Shergar had life insurance. So in a desperate attempt to make money from the horse, a horsenapping was arranged to defraud the insurers... Is this true? I have absolutely no idea.


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Opening letter

Feathers wrote:

Poodle Noodle is quite funny,
So is book jacket! I will try more!!

My poodle ate supernoodles and sicked them up in the conservatory it wasn't funny


From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 10/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part ten of eleven.


From: Jonno
Subj: Re: Keeping warm this winter

Cynthia Barker wrote:

How exciting, today I tried out my SnugPod!

I want this for winter, no joking


From: Birthday Girl
Subj: It's my birthday


None of you have wished me HAPPY BIRTHDAY or sent me a card
NONE of you
Should be ASHAMED



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