10 Aug ’22

"I don’t want that sausage, thanks"

Inbox #23: 12 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: GANksy gallery

00001101 promenade

Way back in September 2020 we fed street art¹ into a neural network to see what would happen and watched shapes form as it learned. When it spat out the one above we knew something interesting was going on, none of the output looked anything like the input, it was all weirder and darker.
GANksy was born.

Recently we decided to find owners for all of the artwork, a 99% discount did the trick and the project’s now complete. So we’ve updated the page to show off the art and its owners, and the GANksy neural network was deleted; no more can ever be generated.

Maybe there’ll be a real-world exhibition sometime to show off some of the art, who knows...

- Vmail Sysadmin
¹We can neither confirm nor deny that we used work by the rich and famous artist who coincidentally rhymes with “GANksy”

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From: RBM2010
Subj: from the future in 3000

In the future we can teleport from place to place and we each have our own super power (other than teleporting) like flying, super strength, invisibility,super speed etc. We have also cured all sicknesses including the flu and the common cold.

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz?

Ken or is it Barry?

Back to the 1970s we go this time for Are They Still in the Biz? Do you know whether the following star* is still tripping the light fantastic, treading the boards or just voicing a frog in a kids’ programme.

*star may mean that they appeared in a show a few times rather than being a beloved series regular. For example, Strictly celebrity Jayde Adams starred in The Outlaws

Number 9: Mike Grady

Who is Mike Grady?

Well, he’s the daft looking bloke in the picture. He was mainly known for playing Ken in Citizen Smith, the sitcom that started John Sullivan’s career and probably stalled Robert Lindsay’s. Mike had previously been acting since 1970 before he finally hit gold as the beanie-wearing “terrorist”. Oh yes, in the seventies terrorism was funny.

So, is Mike still in the biz?

Mike was a prolific actor even before Citizen Smith and continued to act after the sitcom ended in 1980. He retired in 1986 by taking a job on Last of the Summer Wine (ho, ho) and played the same two-dimensional character, Barry, for 24 years. They say that when nuclear war finally does ravage the world there will only be cockroaches left. I would add Last of the Summer Wine to that. No-one gets sacked from that programme so I can only assume Mike finally decided to get a proper job but that was where things got a little sticky. That is until he got the voiceover on Thomas the Tank Engine where he has been playing Sir Robert Norramby exclusively up to 2021. So, Mike is what they call resting…but wait, here’s a cheeky 2022 entry on iMDB. Holby City to the rescue. What are jobbing actors going to do now that cash cow has gone?

While no-one whatsoever reading this ponders that question, we can wrap this up with a triumphant YES, Yes, Mike Grady is still in the biz. Thank God. We have had a bit of a run of ex-actors.

Next time: Here’s a clue: I don’t want that sausage, thanks, school chum. Looks a bit dodgy now I’ve written it, to be honest

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Opening letter

Adventures in Craiyon wrote:

... some recommended queries and put them up here! You decide who wins the round. Can’t wait for your suggestions! -Batman

An orangutan Terminator cyborg
Playing football with a nuclear bomb
Flowers made of fried eggs
A man prodding his brain with a spatula
An orchestra using wombats as instruments
Planet earth rubbing against a giant cheese grater
It's raining sheds, hallelujah

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From: BigG
Subj: Re: Opening letter

Recently played a "guess the prompt" game with someone based on Craiyon results and it was a blast!

How about "hairless bald eagle" or something similar? I could see this being a toss up.

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From: Feathers
Subj: Re: Opening letter

Poodle in noodles

Poodle Noodle is quite funny,
So is book jacket! I will try more!!

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 11

DAY NINE - December 28, 2011

Robin slept on the couch, with two blankets. He was in bed till about 11 AM because he was up all night staring at the TV, pondering if he should call the number on the screen. The man was just reading a book the whole time, but nothing else. He stays on the couch, about to fall asleep again when Melissa wakes him up.

"C'mon, we've got to go get a can opener." Robin looks up, "Alright, okay, like five more minutes?" "Five, only that." She walks away, and Robin goes back to sleep, for five more minutes.

Melissa woke up at 8 AM and buried her dead boyfriend, she also discovered Robin's bag and put everything back where it was, but took the VHS and threw it into the woods. She also took the jeep key, made sure it still worked, it's battery was dead, the headlights were on, so both will need replacing. The battery could be charged though. After checking the shed out back she found all sorts of tools, a hiking bag, and a battery charger that works. So she set up the charger, and picked a shovel as a weapon.

After five minutes, she wakes up Robin, and gives him a hatchet from the shed. "What's this for?" He asks, "The zombies, not gonna kill them with your bare hands." "A hatchet? Too close range for me." "We're going to the house next to this one, it's not gonna be long." Melissa goes outside and checks the battery, it could probably charge for longer. They'll have to walk, or wait.

"We have to walk, I'm getting hungry and they probably have fresh food there." Melissa tries bribe him, but he responds "And they probably don't want to share it!" "I saw them leave, they probably left something. I'll go, you stay" "See, now we have an agreement!" Melissa goes out the door with the bag on her back, and begins to trek over to the neighbors, it's only a 45 minute walk, but still unnervingly scarce of life.

When she gets there, no one is there. She walks to windowed door, and a zombie is hitting the TV, and it is completely topless. Melissa doesn't know what to think, she opens the door and smacks it over the head with the shovel, and ends the poor lady. Melissa wonders what she was doing, if the lady knew her fate. She searches the house and fills the hiking bag. Luckily this time there is a can opener

(until next time, when the phone may ring...)

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From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 9/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part nine of eleven.

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From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Re: I think I might nearly have a girlfriend!

Hooch wrote:

Aw this is too sweet <3

A few times I have bought a low-cost gift and then repackaged or decorated it in a theme I know my giftee likes. For example, some Jonathan Richman bubble bath :D I think your home cooking is a good idea, too - doesn't have to be buns! Home pickles? Jam? Truffles?

I love that you think it's sweet; I do too! We went on another date and had a wonderful time. I had ordered a gift for her - a (very) small phial of her favourite, super rare and very expensive perfume, partially because she told me she loves it, partially because it sounds very interesting, and partially because I want to smell it on her, but it only arrived today so I'm taking it with me next time I see her at the weekend. I told her about it though and she was so happy... and now she's my girlfriend too and I think she's ace. Your bubble bath idea is a wonderful one, and I love your picture. Thank you, Hooch!

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From: fam
Subj: Neighsayers

Shergar is buried at Stonehenge. DB Cooper told me that.

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From: Cynthia Barker
Subj: Keeping warm this winter

How exciting, today I tried out my SnugPod!

It had sounded like a ghastly idea, but with energy prices being what they are, and Esther insisting it’s the best thing since sliced bee’s knees, one simply has to be open-minded about the whole thing.

The “snooze-eum”, as the staff call it with a chuckle, was a highly modern building, all white surfaces and glass. I took the lift and was led to the demo suite for a short medical (very young doctor, very sure of himself) and paperwork on one of those slippery screens (how one is supposed to give a legally-binding signature using one’s finger is beyond me).

The pod itself was almost disappointingly simple and straightforward. They pressed a button, I stepped in, turned, then positioned limbs in the appropriate padded grooves (fake fur, I’m assured). A gel-filled “Elvis jumpsuit” is only needed for longer stays, thank the Lord. The build quality seemed excellent, no creaking or wobbling and it had that new-car smell.

They pressed another button, it closed, music played, the lights dimmed, and the next thing I knew I was being led out again. An hour had flown by, and I felt so refreshed!

The current plan is to do October to April. Esther says she’s getting up in March, but then she does always insist on being first to everything.

The cost is less than I would normally pay in bills alone, and I can rent the bungalow and shed to students (Roger will keep an eye on the louts), so next year I’m off on a two-week cruise for the first time since the unpleasant incident with the shares.
You only live once!

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: my story

Gareth M. wrote:

I work in medical imaging and can confidently say this is a load of sloblock.
Might as well claim you've discovered ghosts using a photocopier.

Funny you say that- I sat on a photocopier at an office party but all that printed out was a horrible portal to hell and then my stomach filled with ectoplasm and I was sick into abin

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