01 Aug ’22

"dont share wit any1"

Inbox #22: 14 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Daisy, Daisy, give me your answer do

The Kubrick Times

In 1965, weirdly obsessive film director Stanley Kubrick got his team to write fictional New York Times headlines for 2001: A Space Odyssey.

In 2022, weirdly obsessive website vole dot wtf used the latest AI tech to turn those headlines into full computer-generated articles:
The Kubrick Times

If you want to know more about how it was made, here’s the Twitter dev thread

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: BigG
Subj: Re: my story

anonymous wrote:

i have worked in medical imaging for over twenty years, specializing in dealing with background noise. equipment is so ...

... never publish a paper on this or announce it to the world, only write my story here where no one will take it seriously

So, anesthesia induces a very noticeably different response than sleep, fainting, comas, etc? Very interesting to say the least. I was under the impression that electrical shocks can do some thing along the lines of resetting the brain's electrical signals but am curious how a chemical does the same.

Something about neurotransmitters right?

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From: Gareth M.
Subj: Re: my story

I work in medical imaging and can confidently say this is a load of sloblock.
Might as well claim you've discovered ghosts using a photocopier.

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in the Biz?

Most fun I have had picture researching :)

Another Vmail and that means it must be time for that quiz where you have to work out if someone is still working in the entertainment industry despite making the sort of bad career choices that would have made Hitler baulk. Are they still in the Biz? They may be, he certainly isn’t

Number 8: Catherine Bach

Who is Catherine Bach?

Back in the 1980s there was a run of family-friendly comedy dramas and the BBC and ITV networks bought them up faster than you can say “I ain’t getting’ on no plane”. One of these was The Dukes of Hazzard and behind the two main Duke boys was their leggy, hot-panted relative, Daisy. Catherine Bach played Daisy throughout the seven year run but I don’t remember her ever having a storyline worth talking about. The Dukes of Hazzard was only her ninth credited TV appearance

Are they still in the Biz?

By the time Catherine had finished working on the Dukes of Hazzard in 1985, she had already voiced Daisy in a cartoon and appeared as Daisy again in an Enos spin-off – BBC not so keen to buy that one, it seemed. She was typecast but she went on to appear in such varied parts as actress, benefit reporter and mother before landing the role of Anita Lawson in the Young and the Restless in 2012. However, in 2019, she was found to be stealing large sums of money from an inheritance and was sent back to Louisiana. Basic soap storyline. And that’s all there is, Wiki has nothing different while The Young and the Restless Wiki seems to think she is still in the programme. Gotta love Wikis! So, no, Catherine Bach is no longer in the Biz

Next time: Back to 1970s Blighty we go. Cor Blimey!

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From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: Re: Important philosophical information

Sysadmin @VOLEwtf wrote:

... simple yet so profound. So obvious and yet so elusive. Words of wisdom to guide us all. Meepe mempes. - Vmail Sysadmin

Beaker is the true god???????????????!!!!1?????!!????1?

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From: Hooch
Subj: Re: I think I might nearly have a girlfriend!

Parody jonathan richman album cover. He is in the bath.

Captain Crackerjack wrote:

I split up with my wife last year but now I think I’ve found someone who is nearly my girlfriend she is clever and ...

... so I can’t do those. I’m thinking a bun but that might be rubbish and also I’m not a very good baker so ideas please.

Aw this is too sweet <3

A few times I have bought a low-cost gift and then repackaged or decorated it in a theme I know my giftee likes. For example, some Jonathan Richman bubble bath :D I think your home cooking is a good idea, too - doesn't have to be buns! Home pickles? Jam? Truffles?

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From: not birds eye
Subj: Re: heatwave shopping list

arctic roll

...NO CAKE

should've treated yourself to some arctic roll to cool down

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From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Hello fellow goblins!

In this edition, we've got all the latest on the Goblin King's upcoming coronation, a behind-the-scenes look at the construction of our biggest ever sludge trough, and an exclusive interview with the Goblin Queen herself!

We hope you enjoy this edition of Evil Goblin News. Until next time, keep up the good work and continue to make the humans suffer!

CROWN OF BLOOD
All hail the new Goblin King!
He will be crowned tomorrow in a lavish ceremony befitting his status as the new ruler of our great kingdom.
All goblins are ordered to attend the coronation and show their loyalty to our new king.
Those who do not attend will be punished severely.
Long live the new Goblin King!

MORE TROUGH = MORE SLUDGE
The new sludge trough is almost complete! It is a massive structure, built to accommodate the needs of our growing population of evil goblins. It is a state-of-the-art facility, with the latest in sludge-handling technology.

The trough is lined with a special material that is impervious to sludge. It is also equipped with a system that will pump the sludge out of the trough and into the nearby river.

This new facility will be a great asset to our community, and will help us to keep our environment damp and slimy.

THE VOICE THAT SHREDS HUMAN SKIN
My fellow goblins, it is my great honour to present to you an interview with our Goblin Queen! She is a fierce and powerful leader, and under her guidance, we have thrived!

What are your earliest memories?

“I remember being born in the dark depths of the earth, surrounded by my fellow goblins. We were born to serve the Dark Lord!”

Tell us, Queen, what are your thoughts on leading our goblin horde?

“It is my pleasure to serve my goblin brethren! I am proud to be their queen, and I will do whatever it takes to release the blood of our enemies.”

What are some of your favourite activities?

“I love watching my goblins cause havoc and destruction. I also enjoy terrorising humans or traitorous goblins with my dark magic, playing tricks on them and watching them squirm. It is always amusing to see them trying to outwit each other or watch the life drain from their eyes as they beg for mercy.”

What are your favourite foods?

“I love anything that is moist and delicious. There is nothing more satisfying than sinking my teeth into a juicy human limb!”

What are your plans for the future of the goblin horde?

“I will continue to lead my goblin horde to glory! We will conquer new lands and expand our territory! We will be the most feared creatures in all the land! Now leave, I tire of this.”

Thank you, Queen, for your time! We are honoured to have you as our leader!

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From: Cliff
Subj: Re: get on trend this month

Cliff Richard

The Style Dictator wrote:

Got Myself a

  • Walking
  • Talking
  • Breathing
  • Thinking

Living Doll

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 10

DAY EIGHT - December 27, 2011

Robin can't find anything in this house. The jeep key, tons of canned food yet no can opener, a couple magazines, some books, a VHS Tape labeled "dont share wit any1", and a cassette tape with what appears to be an album cover with "MAC MILLER BLUE SLIDE PARK" on the back. He's also thinking what the hell to do about the person outside, he doesn't have a gun, or a planned escape route.

Meanwhile, Melissa is outside wondering why the jeep is pushed up against a window. She grasps her bat, creeping towards the door, when suddenly some unknown man slams the door open, whacking Melissa in the face. She tumbles to the ground, dropping her weapon and covering her face in pain and fear. Robin grabs the baseball bat, grasping it in his hands, wondering who she is.

"Wait! Please don't hit me!" Melissa cries out. "Who are you? Why are you here?" "This, is... is my house, I just wanted to see if my boyfriend was here!" "Uh... oh, I-I'm sorry." Robin questions what in the world he was about to do, he gently sets the bat next to her and backs up into the house, almost tripping backwards when he hits his elbow on the door frame, sending tingles up his arm.

Robin sits on the couch, turning the TV on and wondering what the hell is going on. He switches the channel and finds something interesting, a survivor, at a news studio, living there. He's giving advice, while on the bottom banner scrolling is "PLEASE CALL FOR HELP/ADVICE AND SANITY 559-555-9556 DON'T END IT YET THERE IS HOPE HERE AND ABOVE - IF POSSIBLE GO TO CANADA THE COLD CONFUSES THE ZOMBIES - IF NOTHING IS GOOD, RUN"

"Melissa, that's my name, don't use it up." Says, Melissa, walking in. "Yeah, alright... Melissa" "I said don't use it up." "Mmhm, yeah." Robin prays that she has a can opener "Uh, do you, have a can opener per chance?" "A w-what? Maybe, I don't casually carry one, why would I?" "Oh, well you have quite the canned goods, but uh, no opener thing." "A knife can do, but we'll see."

Melissa sits down next to Robin, nothing of her life is left. Nothing of his is left. Just another sad story with a goal of safety, beginning with a number on a TV station taken over.

(sorry this took so long, also listen to Mac Miller's: "I Love Life, Thank You", so good!!!)(also a little shorter, but I got some sleep to grab)

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From: Queen Doggo the First of the Kingdom of Doggoland
Subj: A royal message from the Queen of Doggoland

queen doggo

holy crap man i am now the queen

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From: Adventures in Craiyon
Subj: Opening letter

Hello. I’m sure some of you heard of the service “Craiyon” formally known as Dall-E mini. This is the first of many trials it will face against Google Images, it’s rival. But I need your help to make it happen. I need 3 queries for images. 1 has to be one that google images will probably win. (eg “Blue Screen Of Death”). Another should be one that will probably go to Craiyon. (eg “Fire Breathing Dinosaur on Roller Coaster”). And one that’s a toss up. I can’t come up with an example for that. That’s part of the reason I’m emailing you! Get back to me here at the bat cave! I’ll choose some recommended queries and put them up here! You decide who wins the round. Can’t wait for your suggestions!

-Batman

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From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 8/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part eight of eleven.

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From: BAKER E.
Subj: office cakes

fax machine cake

My hobby is making cake that look like office equipment if it's your birthday soon reply with your favourite office equipment and I will make it (then eat it all myself)

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