21 Jul ’22

Meepe mempes

Inbox #21: 16 new messages

From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Important philosophical information

MEEPE MEMPES

OpenAI’s DALL·E 2 has been trained on hundreds of millions of images, deeply analysing their shapes, styles and meaning, so we tried the big question that’s been already been pondered in Vmail - we asked for something that represents the meaning of life.

And lo, the above image appeared before us. So simple yet so profound. So obvious and yet so elusive.

Words of wisdom to guide us all. Meepe mempes.

- Vmail Sysadmin

From: Babel Seventeen, Demon Slayer BSc.
Subj: Re: Evill Goblin News

Following on from the plight of poor Sarah, as addressed in the recent edition of Evil Goblin News (Vmail #20 30 June 2022), I would like to ask for help in stopping this thing becoming the norm. all too often we hear stories like Sarah's and something needs to be done about it!

I head up a party of adventurers who regularly head out and help stop this sort of goings on from, well, going on.

We meet on a Monday from 2130 BST virtually over at twitch.tv/Babel_17 where we discuss our campaign and roleplay potential scenarios. I give you options and you have to bond as a team over answers and we progress from there. All equipment is provided, but it may be worth bringing your own provisions. No goblin stew, thank you!

We also specialise in Orcs, Trolls, maniacal evil Sorcerers and Wizards of ill repute. Dragons are extra. All the spoils you can carry. Follow to sign up and be notified of the next meeting.

We also do fun game evenings too, now and again, just to break up the death and maiming.

We are an all inclusive membership. New members get a free sticker.

Yours, in anticipation,
Babel_17(Julian S)
twitch.tv/Babel_17 2130BST Mondays.

From: Hooch
Subj: Re: For Whom the Babybel Tolls

Packet of noodles and packet of cheese

babybel4eva wrote:

Last time I graced you with my presence, I suggested putting a babybel into a cuppa soup. But you are all cowards and ...

...evidence I will forget about your previous indiscretion and let you into some more of my closely guarded cheesy secrets.

No no no no no. What you need, my friend, is a pack of MAMA Hot & Spicy noodles, and a slice of maasdam. Now THAT is a cheesy secret.

From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: The Handedness Of Imaginary Friends

Dear Voleans,

As a result of your kind - or unkind, I would be remiss if I were to assume one or the other - contributions to the survey of Imaginary Friends' Handedness there were 1097 total responses.

What the survey revealed.

Up to 27% of Imaginary Friends may not have hands. There are a significant number of people out there whose Imaginary Friend may have a flipper, a paw, or tentacles. This was not an obvious possibility prior to the survey and so, something has been learned.

Of the remaining 73% of Imaginary Friends:

24% of Imaginary Friends are reported to be Left Handed.
72% of Imaginary Friends are reported to be Right Handed.
4%% of Imaginary Friends are reported to be Ambidextrous.
(n=1097, 95% Confidence Level).

This differs from Real People who reported that
10% of People are Left Handed.
80% of People are Right Handed.
10% of People are Ambidextrous.
(n=1,787,629 >95% Confidence Level).

It appears that Imaginary Friends might well be different to Real People.

The final report will be written up in a Journal called 'Patastrophe. Probably. Some time in the New Year. (Which is September, as a Pataphysician, I operate on the Pataphysical Calendar and the New Year is September. So there is that).

Yrs & c.
sur Hubert Huzzah (postmort.)

From: Ur Momma
Subj: Re: important question

grandpa wrote:

What do you believe lies at the edge of the universe?

Bananas. A lot of bananas also a parrot who only eats banana

From: xanadon't
Subj: Re: important question

The colon from the title of the 2022 film Jurassic World Dominion.

From: JM
Subj: Re: important question

My best guess when I was a lot younger was "milk" and I stand by it.

From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in The Biz

Liz Barker

Welcome back to Are You Still in the Biz. A barely-functioning quiz which on reflection wasn’t the greatest format. If they ARE still in the biz then surely you would have seen them in films and TV, right? Well, maybe, possibly. SHUT UP! This time we remember that great British institution Blue Peter. Who can forget the memories of John Noakes climbing Nelson’s column and soiling themselves. Sorry I forgot to add “an elephant”. An elephant soiling themselves. Anyway…

Number 7: Liz Barker

Who is Liz Barker?

There have been a few golden eras of Blue Peter (there’s a debate for the internet) but the most recent, before they shunted the whole thing off to a Freeview channel, is probably the early 2000s. At this point, fresh-faced and attractive younger presenters took over BP as they tried to modernise a BBC childrens’ magazine programme. Liz Barker was one of these.

Are they still in the Biz?

After she left Blue Peter to bring up her new baby, she then announced that she would be presenting Totally Doctor Who and then the following year she was gone from TV. But, hold on, she might have spent some time decorating cakes at the family business (strange because the family business is an undertakers), but she is still presenting a mid-morning radio show on radio Cambridge. So, a-ha, unless you live in and around Cambridge then you have probably been fooled. See how I set you up with the first paragraph. I am SO pleased with myself. Anyway, she is still in the biz. Why not go online and have a listen to her show? I would imagine it is a raucous, lively, witty few hours…

Next time: Either an American or a Brit – but definitely not an Aussie in sight. That ship has sailed, my friends

From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: heatwave shopping list

2 big boxes of freezepops
paddling pool= big enough for 1 man + 2 dogs
4 paxck of instant BBQs
burgers
sausages NOT HOTDOGS AGAIN
chicken burgers
something veggy for linda no idea
big bag of buns
spread (CHEAP ONE)
BBQ sauce
doritos + dip
big tub of icecream (choc or strawb)
pack of wafers not smashed
NO CAKE
cans
some colourfull tropical booze stuff
little cocktail umbrellas
few pairs of boxers
toilet wipes

From: BorderCollieLvr
Subj: Re: Re: Godzilla

anonymous wrote:

I am not a Godzilla fan or a King Kong fan but Godzilla is better because he / she / it has a Z in its name. ... Anyway Godzilla probably is a female as otherwise it would be called Godzill.

Yes! Godzilla is better the Kong! :) Also you bring up an excellent point for my next argument with anyone on team Kong.
Ps Godzilla is a boy, would've been cool if he was a girl though. :)

From: BorderCollieLvr
Subj: Re: Re: Godzilla

KaijūSuki wrote:

Kong should stick to showing the dames a good time in Manhattan, and leave the city stomping to the professionals!

Yes, they kinda cheated also as Kong was tiny and would have been just squished if they fought, so they had to enlarge him heaps just to fight Godzilla. Megalon is awesome! I also like Titanosaurus.

From: wish volo
Subj: vmail adventure: chapter 1

okay: so my schedule got really screwy, so no art or recap/extra bits video. but i can write! kinda.

let’s see if I can manage all of this.

we got eight responses! that’s infinitely more than last time. awesome.
you all suggested the adventure to go on, and what kind of character you want.
we got everything from what i think might be, like, early 1900s vibe? to “a sci-fi pirate story” to a crossdressing princess to literally:

bob: “harry potter”

Hubert: “[...] But that’s the danger of listening to folk on the internet.”

so i don’t really know how to get an average, really. or manage to fit it all together. but there’s still plenty of fun stuff you’ve given me to try to put together.
hopefully i get around to all of it.

as i should probably keep this short, i’ll end up putting responses into the recap video that doesn’t exist. but you’ll know what you influenced, right?

--[]--

Nippy, a cat-sized cross-dressing princess lobster with a limp and a cane, happy, charming, and confused, and desires to start a black market in red diesel.
But to get there, a couple of things are in the way.

They walk up to the boss of the mafia, nicknamed Top Cat. (yes there’s a cartoon, no i don’t care, yes he’s still going to be a cat)

They ask him if he’d like to hear your idea.
He said he’d like to… but how does he know he can trust you? Oh, and he’s got a harsh headache right now, which doesn’t help with running stuff. And he’s all out of Advil Tylenol Ibuprofen Pain Relieef.

Well, since everyone else he has is out doing stuff, what better thing for you to do than go on an adventure to get the Advil Tylenol Ibuprofen Pain Relieef?

40G OBTAINED
MISSION UPDATE: GET ADVIL TYLENOL IBUPROFEN PAIN RELIEEF

“Just go get the headache stuff.”

And so you leave with your mission.

But there’s a problem.

A man walks in front of you on your way there. Intimidatingly. Menacingly.

“Hey. Got any money on you?”

--[]--

your turn. what do you want to do?
forms.gle/pzNZ8SXnfdFiegUf8

form closes 48 hours after the email goes out! be fast!
and i made it so you can change your answer, until that deadline ends.

thanks! i’ll see ya later

wish volo

From: The Style Dictator
Subj: get on trend this month

The Style Dictator

IN:

Floating around in zero gravity
Wearing a gas mask
Drinking out of a baby bottle
Eating bugs
People in dog clothes

OUT:

Walking
Talking
Breathing
Thinking
Dogs in people clothes

From: anonymous
Subj: my story

i have worked in medical imaging for over twenty years, specializing in dealing with background noise. equipment is so sensitive that weather outside or what is in someone’s pocket in the next room can affect what is picked up and how the image you want is cleanly pulled out

we regularly run tests with different potential noise sources and imaging subjects, several months back the prototype g-conductor sensors picked up new interference while scanning a rabbit, no biggie, usual routine - we build a noise profile covering characteristics, collect sample data, identify the prevalence/causes, then train the filter software before undergoing a complex iterative testing & compliance procedure

but this time was different, it was an elaborate cyclical pattern of fractal clustered frequencies that could not be repeated, we either drew a total blank or got a different cyclical pattern across different clusters. after two frustrating days i went and tracked down that original rabbit, the lab thought i was mad, it did scan with the same pattern. the general finding was that the simpler the object the simpler the pattern. an earthworm from alongside the car park had considerably fewer frequency clusters than the rabbit and my packed lunch had nothing detectable

it’s not uncommon for us to use ourselves as test subjects and we all marvelled at our highly intricate individual noise readings, some of the swirling 3d visualisations were beautiful. we decided to rethink our process and consider issues with the superconductors or the lab environment and set this job aside to process more urgent tasks

last month we returned to it with another lab and sensor and had a run of close (but not quite identical) results then a new pattern for my assistant who had just returned after time off sick. rerunning with whichever lab animals were still available produced two more anomalous readings

i won’t bore you with every idea and experiment and investigation we went through after that but we did find one clear thing in common that fully stands up- the assistant and the two animals recently underwent a general anaesthetic. every time an animal or person was put to sleep their pattern changed, we even anaesthetized a guinea pig during scanning and saw the clusters shift in realtime. the other minor changes we saw seemed related to the passing of time, slow evolutions

my assistant quit today, leaving a letter saying she believes we have discovered a way to ‘see’ consciousness and that she was trying to come to terms with dying and being reborn after her operation. i am a calm and rational man but shaking at the thought, my daughter is having a wisdom tooth removal next week, do i push to change it to local anaesthetic? that would be ridiculous

i don’t think i have ever been anaesthetized, but my wife was after a car accident during our engagement, i look at her and wonder if a new person was born that day

we will now create an efficient filter that catches most of the signal and write it up to sound as unexciting as possible. i can never publish a paper on this or announce it to the world, only write my story here where no one will take it seriously

From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 7/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part seven of eleven.

From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: I think I might nearly have a girlfriend!

I split up with my wife last year but now I think I’ve found someone who is nearly my girlfriend she is clever and beautiful and funny and has a really nice voice and she liked the poem I wrote for her and the picture I made her and we went for a drink and a walk and something to eat and at the end of the night I gave her two kisses on the lips!

Anyway what’s a cool small gift I can get her for our next date that shows I’m a cool and wonderful guy and not the usual kind of drongo you find on all the popular dating apps. I’ve already done the poem and the picture so I can’t do those. I’m thinking a bun but that might be rubbish and also I’m not a very good baker so ideas please.

Disconnecting...

Write a message for the next inbox

Web archive of past messages

Inbox #21

Sign up to get future issues & submit stuff: