30 Jun ’22

"closely guarded cheesy secrets"

Inbox #20: 19 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: GANksy sale

GANksy 'signature'

GANksy, our neural network artist, has been so much more successful than we could’ve hoped, getting worldwide media coverage long before everyone started mucking about with DALL·E mini.

But it’s now time to complete the project by finding owners for all 256 pieces, so we’re giving 99% off with the code SELLOUT during checkout (look for the “Add promotion code” button).

At the time of writing there are only 7 left, so don’t hang about…

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: babybel4eva
Subj: For Whom the Babybel Tolls

Last time I graced you with my presence, I suggested putting a babybel into a cuppa soup. But you are all cowards and refused to listen to me. So here's a deal. If one person puts a babybel into a pot noodle with photographic evidence I will forget about your previous indiscretion and let you into some more of my closely guarded cheesy secrets.

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From: dotmund
Subj: You'll never guess what I saw in Hove

A brontosaurus with a herring gull on its head, painted from life in Adelaide Terrace, Hove

I'd never seen the like in Hove before. In Adelaide Terrace, overlooking the sea, a brontosaurus. Naturally enough I did what anyone would do and painted it as proof. Here is that proof.

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From: Jesus
Subj: Re: Dom

Dom wrote:

Hello it's your neighbor Dom all you gotta know about me is I'm Dom I live across the street.
There is nothing else you need to know about me don't dig into my history all you need to know is I'm a man from across the street

I’m also across the street. That’s weird. My name’s not Dom though.

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From: wish volo
Subj: vmail adventure: chapter before/meta/whatever

cool graphic that says "vmail adventure by wish volo"

alright, so i had an amazing idea to do a text adventure, but combined with the still-of-unknown-quality idea to have you guys participate.

the question is, what kind of adventure do you guys want to do?

so here's a google form

send in a prompt or genre or whatever. so long as it's text and fits into whatever google made the limit.
then i'll choose the average, whatever that "average" might be.

you are only allowed one response, so make it good. or make it bad. take your pick!

( ... one response per email. but pretend i didn't tell you that, okay? yeah. you won't circumvent the rules, right? :) )

the email also isn't shared with me, if you're worried about that. why would i even want your email

i may or may not keep track of this as a video series on my youtube, albeit unlisted, only for us Vmail bros <cool shades emoji>
in case anyone new needs a recap... which nobody does right now

i'll see ya later!

- me

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Godzilla

BorderCollieLvr wrote:

So, please can I have everyone's opinions on Godzilla?

I am not a Godzilla fan or a King Kong fan but Godzilla is better because he / she / it has a Z in its name. Zs are good, although the Russian army's appropriation of Zs has probs downgraded them a tad in some visual instances I suppose. Anyway Godzilla probably is a female as otherwise it would be called Godzill.

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From: KaijūSuki
Subj: Re: Godzilla

Megalon in a typical pose

My favourite is Megalon (メガロ), a giant beetle with drill-bits for hands. He was last seen getting drop kicked by Godzilla, whilst being held by meddling do-gooder Jet Jaguar.
Kong should stick to showing the dames a good time in Manhattan, and leave the city stomping to the professionals!

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From: BigG
Subj: Re: Godzilla

Kiryu - Mechagodzilla 3

Godzilla is a force of nature and a force of mankind rolled into one and has been a favorite movie monster of mine for many years! Love the rest of the monsters in the classic Toho films too, including Kiryu which just might be my second favorite. I've got to give it to Godzilla over Kong but both capture the magic of reflective storytelling.

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From: xanadon't
Subj: Re: Godzilla

The Godzilla franchise is an interesting one as, while the titles of the films give away no clues about the order they are intended to be watched in, they remain largely straightforward, at least until the Americans got in there are made two more films simply titled Godzilla.

I believe the manifestation of post-WW2 Japanese cultural traumas is probably better than the manifestation of straightforward American racist fears that dark monsters from Africa will steal their white women, but the two probably should not have been compared in the first place. I drove twelve hours in the middle of a pandemic to see the movie, anyway.

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From: Different Dan
Subj: Re: Godzilla

BorderCollieLvr wrote:

So, please can I have everyone's opinions on Godzilla?

Kong got his butt whooped! Put'em in a ring, and Kong still gets WHOOPED!

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From: anonymous
Subj: EMERGENCY

skip

found a skip WITHOUT A MATTRESS IN IT someone get one over here asap

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From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Welcome to the only newsletter written for evil goblins by evil goblins!
First up, we've got a new recipe for Goblin Goulash that is sure to please even the most discerning palate.
Next, we have a report on the latest victim of the goblin curse. This poor human was unfortunate enough to cross our path, and now they will suffer a fate worse than death!
Then there's our new property section and finally, we've got a special announcement from our sponsor, the Dark Lord himself!

RECIPE CORNER

Ingredients:

  • 1 lb. ground beef
  • 1 onion, diced
  • 1 green pepper, diced
  • 1 can diced tomatoes
  • 1 tsp. garlic powder
  • 1 tsp. salt
  • 1/2 tsp. black pepper
  • 1 human head

Instructions:

  1. In a large cauldron, brown the meat over medium heat
  2. Add the onion and green pepper and cook until soft
  3. Add the diced tomatoes, kidney beans, garlic powder, salt, and black pepper
  4. Stir until well combined and simmer for 30 minutes
  5. Serve hot with garnishes such as chopped up eyeballs or fingers. Enjoy!

ZUL DOES IT AGAIN

A human known as Sarah has been afflicted by a curse placed upon her by the great goblin shaman, Zul. Once a smiling goblin oppressor in a shining office, she has been transformed into a gibbering, drooling monstrosity, barely recognisable as the woman she once was! The goblin curse has given her great strength and agility, but at the cost of her sanity. She now spends her days stalking the forest, hunting for anything that moves and sobbing at her reflection!

FOR RENT

  • Slaughter Shack by the Cesspit: This ramshackle old structure is one for those looking for a rustic getaway. With its views of the 'river', it's perfect for fishing or just relaxing. 3 crystals per season
  • The Old Cave: A small damp tunnel for one or two goblins. Comes with a fire pit and easy sewer access. No pets. 1 crystal + 2 bone tokens
  • Witch's Cottage: This disgusting little building is perfect for a small group. With its witchy atmosphere and fresh graveyard, it's sure to cast a spell on you. 2 crystals + 1 bone token
  • The Treehouse: A unique location laden with foreboding, ideal starter home for a single goblin or couple. Tree not included. 3 bone tokens

A deposit of 2 seasons and a blood-binding ceremony are required for all properties.

WIN WIN WIN

The Dark Lord is offering a free trip to the Castle of Doom for any goblin who can bring him a fully refracted human soul! So start collecting those souls today, and you could be on your way to tour the sludge troughs and see a live skin-shredding!
For an entry form, send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to
Soul Offer
Castle of Doom
Western Ourania
Goblin Kingdom

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From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: Re: Re: Attention: spiders

Could you stop building your webs in my smoke alarm and setting the sensor off at random times of the night?

I had to get a (not actually that hunky) fireman to come round with a special pointy stick with a pointy plastic finger attached, to install a new one, and he recommended hoovering your smoke alarms, so if you don't want to get eaten by Henry Hoover or sonically zapped to death (the new alarm makes a proper horrible noise), keep away from the smoke alarms.

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From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 6/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part six of eleven.

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From: Jeff kerbon wothring
Subj: Cranes again, but shrek!

What if their was a crane, like all other cranes, the great olden cranes!
But………
It was shrek crane! I could relive my teenage years atop that crane I would sit enjoying the beautiful song of a Romanian banjo it would play and I would burst into song, I would sing of shrek and of the lovely crane then, I would awaken to find my self in the “kroshrok” or shreks mouth of the crane a large opening in the lower centre (x) beam of the crane were I had found myself carried away by the song ;) ;

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Re: Re: Floof Thread

A puppy and a puppy toy

Andrew wrote:

Always time for more floof

Baby floof!!!!

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From: The Doggo
Subj: Re: I'm Claude

Doggo

Claude wrote:

Hi I'm Claude

Hi Claude, I am a Doggo, nice to meet ya.

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From: The Doggo
Subj: Re: BLUEBERRIES?!?!

blueberries suck, doggos better

BlueberryLover02 wrote:

OMG! OMG! OMG! IT’S BLUEBERRIES! IT’S BLUEBERRIES, BLUEBERRIES!! HE’S COMING TO VMAIL! :O

Doggos are better than blueberries, blueberries suck.

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From: grandpa
Subj: important question

What do you believe lies at the edge of the universe?

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