01 Jun ’22

"the sheer size of a good crane is magnificent"

Inbox #18: 16 new messages


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From: Alan
Subj: Going anywhere nice on your summer holibobs?

We are going to houseswap with our neighbours for a week so we get a change of scene without expense or travel rigmarole (they have a nice patio and barbecue so we get the better deal)

What are your holiday/vacation plans ?

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From: Paulo from IT
Subj: Attention: spiders

web browser

Hello,

As you may be aware, there has been a recent surge in reports of super-intelligent spiders taking over the internet. While the exact extent of the problem is not yet known, it is clear that this is a serious threat to the stability of the "information superhighway" as we know it.

As a result, we are taking steps to try and prevent these spiders from accessing networks. One of the measures we are taking is to block all traffic from IP addresses that are known to be associated with these spiders.

If you are receiving this email, it is because your IP address has been identified as being associated with one of these super-intelligent spiders. We strongly recommend that you take steps to vacuum your office and remove any cobwebs from computing devices, even in the face of physical threats or blackmail. Failure to do so may result in your IP address being permanently blocked from accessing the internet.

Thank you for your cooperation in this matter.

Sincerely,

Paulo Roberts, IT administrator

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From: Jeff kerbon wothring
Subj: Cranes

They are just so tall, like the sheer size of a good crane is magnificent! They are like everything I ever dreamed of as a child and more!
These days (sadly) though cranes are not at all like they were two or three years ago, two years ago cranes were awesome! I remember as a teen climbing really high and then getting really high on a crane I mean wow they were awesome.

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From: Hooch
Subj: a picture of the best thing you can think of

a unicorn riding a dragon riding a shark

A unicorn riding a dragon riding a shark. If you can think of something better than that, please draw it.

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From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Say that, hypothetically, i'm doing a slideshow...

starving student wrote:

It's about The Great Depression, specifically the Dust Bowl. What are some points that should include?

  1. The Dust Bowl was named after John Steinbeck's favourite fruit bowl, that got all dust in it because his regular cleaning lady was at home, laid up with a suppurated ankle
  2. The Great Depression refers to a a sunken area of ground in the Nevada desert. No one knows how it came to be, but teens playing a prank are strongly suggested.
  3. The 1982 Super Bowl was nicknamed the Dust Bowl, as not only were the coaches of each team - the Philadelphia Monkfish and the Albany Spatulas - named Dusty, but players included John Dust, Dust O'Hara and Manuel Esposito 'Dusty' Laguiziano. Also, the regular cleaning lady of the stadium was laid up at home with a suppurated ankle, so there was a lot of visible dust on the surface.
  4. Because people found food so hard to come by in the Great Depression, they'd often use dust as an ingredient, leading to classic dishes such as dust sandwiches, dust cakes and dust in water sauce.

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in the biz?

Not quite as funny as Tommy Cooper

Are they still in the Biz? Yes, and they keep winning awards the Geordie twa…oh, sorry, no, this is just a question that we ask of a star from the past. These stars are different though, they burn very brightly but often fade very fast, never to light up again – much like those con job garden solar lights. So who do we have this time then?

Number 5: Russ Abbot

Who is Russ Abbot?

Starting as a member of the humorous Black Abbots band, it was only in the 1980s when Russ Abbot took over from Freddie Starr on his Madhouse programme that the grannies started to get in a froth. He was a comic actor during the decade and then a comic singer with his very naff party hit “Atmosphere”.”Party hits” mean something so different now, thank God. He is also partly responsible for the careers of Michael Barrymore and Les Dennis who appeared on the programme, which is nothing to be proud of. He also had a long-running show on the Beeb and then moved into acting

Is he still in the Biz then, because he sounds like a good long-term bet?

Russ has had a very long career in TV, radio and, I guess, music. He then started to guest star after the Married…with Children remake bombed. He appeared in a number of well-known programmes and then “retired” in Last of the Summer Wine, as so many comic actors seemed to. But it seems that he has actually retired now. His last series was Boomers which ended in 2016 and neither IMBD or Wikipedia seem to have anything after that. So, no, Russ is no longer in the biz

Next time: Come on then, Cold Stare, how about that Neighbours special then, you indecisive plank?

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From: Sarah
Subj: Re: Re: Hello

anonymous wrote:

i think it is boring

I think it is all about the turtle… how can he hold us all on his back????

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From: xst
Subj: Re: Lindsay Wagner

Bitonic Woman

Lindsay Wagner was recently in Hideo Kojima's most recent videogame/post-apocalyptic deliveroo simulator "Death Stranding" with many other great mates of Hideo such as Norman Reedus & Guillermo Del Toro.

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From: anonymous
Subj: horoscopes

joe

  • Pisces: You are overly sensitive and often seem lost in your own world. Your favourite author: Joe Wicks.
  • Taurus: You are ugly inside and out, and no one will ever love you. Your bestest recipe: a Joe Wicks one.
  • Gemini: You are two-faced and untrustworthy, and everyone can see right through you. Your most prized possession: signed photo of Joe Wicks.
  • Cancer: You are too emotional and needy, and no one wants to be around you. Your favourite TV show: Lorraine when Joe Wicks was on it.
  • Leo: You are arrogant and think you are better than everyone else, but you are really just a fraud. Your party piece: an affectionate impression of Joe Wicks.
  • Virgo: You are overly critical and judgmental, and no one wants to be around you. Your morning routine: Joe Wicks exercises.
  • Libra: You are indecisive and wishy-washy, and no one respects you. Your emotional crutch: Joe Wicks' hair.
  • Scorpio: You are secretive and manipulative, and no one trusts you. You're currently binge-watching: the same Joe Wicks video on loop.
  • Sagittarius: You are always seeking adventure and are never satisfied, everyone is bored with you. Your ideal holiday: camping in Joe Wicks' garden.
  • Capricorn: You are cold and distant, and no one feels close to you. Your favourite song: that one Joe Wicks hummed one time on YouTube.
  • Aquarius: You are eccentric and unpredictable, no one has time for your nonsense. Your political manifesto: the description on the back of your Joe Wicks DVDs.
  • Aries: You are an idiot and deserve to be punched in the face.

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From: Dom
Subj: Dom

Hello it's your neighbor Dom all you gotta know about me is I'm Dom I live across the street.
There is nothing else you need to know about me don't dig into my history all you need to know is I'm a man from across the street

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From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 4/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part four of eleven.

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 9

infection map

SENDER: n/a
SUBJECT: The Apocalypse
CONTAINS: electricity, water, infection, rates/amount of infected, misc.

RATES/AMOUNT OF INFECTION, INFECTION SYMPTOMS
The image that goes along with this email contains the rates/amount of infection for the states. It is a bit wobbly and unstable, it is very hard to predict where it will be next, so watch out for the following symptoms: Dry Coughing, Vomiting, Coughing Up Blood, Extreme Head Pain, Extreme Stomach Pain, Unknown Bumps, Shallow Skin, Pale Skin, Unusual Vein Bulging.
There may be more symptoms that are currently unknown, so please contact us at INFORMATION_ERROR, INFORMATION_ERROR INFORMATION_ERROR

ELECTRICITY AND WATER
The electricity and water, along with sources requiring those, will continue to run. They will not be shut down unless a different source has damaged them beyond repair, all sources are being protected in anyway we can.

MISCELLANEOUS
We can respond to question with INFORMATION_ERROR, INFORMATION_ERROR INFORMATION_ERROR INFORMATION_ERROR INFORMATION_ERROR

INFORMATION_ERROR INFORMATION_ERROR

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From: Elliot
Subj: Tacos?

Hey what is a taco?

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From: anonymous
Subj: Nostalgia blast 2

Back to the '70s

Another trip back to a more innocent, playful time!
Today we're going to catch up with all the amazing radio DJs who graced the airwaves in the 1970s:

Justin “The Rocker” Rockford
Known for his outrageous behaviour and love of rock music, he was fired after playing a song that was considered to be too sexually explicit for the time. He then became a DJ at a Swedish nightclub, where he was known for playing music that was dangerously loud and for getting into fights with other staff. He was eventually arrested and charged with assault. He served time in jail and was then deported back to the United Kingdom.

Bobby "Bubblehead" Baxter
After becoming a cult figure for downing whole pints while broadcasting, his reckless stunts went too far and he was eventually fired from Capital Radio after being caught urinating on studio equipment during the sax solo in Billy Joel's Just The Way You Are.

Caroline "The Duchess" Windsor
Once a hugely popular Radio 1 DJ, she was nicknamed "The Duchess" because of her posh, upper-class accent, and was famed for her love of luxury cars and expensive clothes. She was also known for being notoriously difficult to work with, and her ego eventually led to her downfall after she accidentally boasted on air about taking bribes from record companies. She tried to make a comeback by starting her own record label, but it quickly went bankrupt. She then disappeared from the public eye and was rumoured to have died in a car accident, but is still alive and well, living in obscurity.

Nigel "Nutty Professor" Smythe
An ever-present British DJ of the 1970s, Smythe's high-energy style and outrageous personality quickly gained a large following among young people. However, his career came to an abrupt end when it was revealed that he had been abusing his fans. The "Nutty Professor" was arrested and charged with multiple counts, but he was ultimately only convicted of one offence. He served a short prison sentence and now lives on the south coast.

Giles "The Gaffer" Simpson
He was known for his brash and abrasive personality, and was often in trouble with the law. In 1974, he was arrested for assault and battery after he attacked a fan who had asked for an autograph. He was also arrested for drunk driving and disorderly conduct. In 1976, he was fired from his last major job after making racist comments on the air.

Gertie "The Gossip" Grubb
Equipped with a gossipy personality and sharp wit, her BBC career came to a screeching halt when she was caught up in a scandalous love triangle with a married man. Gertie retired from radio and retreated from the public eye. These days, Gertie is a lonely figure, living in a small flat and eking out a living on her pension. She still has her sharp tongue, but her wit is now directed at herself, as she struggles to come to terms with her fall from grace. She spends her days watching daytime TV, drinking cheap wine, and chatting with her cat.

“Pocket” Billy Yards
Billy was famous for his “pocket” money, often giving away large sums to listeners who called in to his show. However, this came to an end when it was revealed that he had been pocketing some of the money for himself. Four years later, after rebuilding his career, it was revealed that he had been sleeping with a number of his female fans. This led to his wife leaving, and he was also fired from his radio show. Two years later he then attempted to make another comeback, but was caught up in a drugs scandal when it was revealed that he had been using and dealing cocaine, leading to arrest and time in prison. These days, Billy can be found working at a local pub in London, where he regales customers with stories of his former glory days on the radio.

Join us again soon for more heartwarming reminders of the good old days!

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From: Hooch
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Floof Thread

A kitten sat in someone's hand, looking surprised.

Time for more floof?

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From: wish volo
Subj: subscribe

subscribe

you should subscribe to vmail

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