13 May ’22

"it may need a flush partway through"

Inbox #17: 18 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Not in a dungeon yet

Someone wrote in to ask:

Do y'all use older things that were submitted before an "exclusive" vmail for the 'normal' one after that?

Yes, we do! Things will often get held back for an issue or two. Click a Write/Reply link and send us your...

  • ...stories
  • ...original photos/drawings
  • ...regular features
  • ...overly-detailed replies
  • ...slightly disturbing braindumps

Another circle game

In case you’ve not played it yet, a few weeks ago we launched BOKEH, a little game about popping circles. There’s also a long Twitter thread following how it was made.

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: Oil lover
Subj: Oil

Oil

it doesn't wash off

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From: xanadon't
Subj: Re: Hello

Smolls wrote:

Explain the meaning of life or what u think it is

The meaning of life is realizing that there have been four direct sequels to three different films named Halloween, but only two direct sequels to one film named Halloween II (of which there are two), neither of which was Halloween III and that nothing else really matters at the end of the day.

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Hello

Smolls wrote:

Explain the meaning of life or what u think it is

i think it is boring

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are They Still in the Biz?

Da-na-na-na-na-na-na!

Are They Still in the Biz, the quiz where you try and work out if the following actor is still working and I try and avoid picking any of those actors who have stopped work due to illness, death or shady, unspoken allegations. It’s a minefield! Having looked at the last two actors I chose, slapmeister Will Smith’s colleague and an actor playing a nazi, I have come to the conclusion that I must be subconsciously choosing topical subjects so I have tried to make sure that didn’t happen this time. Ladies and Gentlemen (other genders are available) it is time for sci-fi

Number 4: Lindsay Wagner

Who is Lindsay Wagner?

Lindsay started her career, as most actors do, playing one-off parts in series such as Marcus Welby, MD and The Rockford Files before she appeared in the Six Million Dollar Man in 1976. Those appearances led to a spin-off show, The Bionic Woman, where she played Jaime Sommers – a badass spy who teaches middle school when not on assignments, because, you know, it’s the seventies

Is she still In the biz?

You all probably assumed that Lindsay had given up the entertainment business in the late 70s or early 80s but you would be wrong. Lindsay is very much still working and has appeared in programmes such as NCIS in 2015 and Grey’s Anatomy in 2018. Those appearances would not really be enough to consider her as active but she has filled in those gaps with TV movie after TV movie – over 50 since 1978 in fact. Apparently TV movies do count as “real work” so, in this case, Lindsay is still in the biz

Next time: I might do a Neighbours special. Or someone from Never the Twain. Who knows? I don’t

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From: phowax
Subj: Re: Are they still in the biz?

When 16-year-old me turned up for two weeks' work experience at TV And Satellite Week, in June 1995, in what seemed the impossibly glamorous and happening King's Reach Tower on the South Bank, the third person to whom I was introduced was Richard Gibson, accompanied with the words "do you recognise him? He used to be Herr Flick on TV." He was at the time a very successful magazine sub-editor, and I believe he continued to plough that furrow for many years afterwards.

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From: anonymous
Subj: Re: FREE PRINTABLE GAME: Pig Chess

  • Tail - move one square forward or self-destruct - Pig pen - move at right angles an odd number of squares - **...

wouldn't all the tails self-destruct if you don't move them first turn?

Also... since when was a frog thanking me? Please, I will complain more

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From: Kristoffer
Subj: Re: Self promotion - Naive Weekly doesn’t want to sell you anything.

The Naive Weekly logo showing a single line drawing of dove where the wings make up 'naive weekly'

Now when your favourite newsletter is slowing down, you might want to do like Johannes and subscribe to Naive Weekly, a newsletter that "doesn’t need your attention but it’s there if you want it. It’s a door to weird, fascinating and curious places across the internet. A quiet meditation of the creative web.”

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From: Norman Stanley Fletcher
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Food Combinations

Mark Norman Francis wrote:

Jammie Dodgers are inferior in every way to Fox's Jam 'n' Cream biscuits.

Tesco own brand Jammie Dodgers are superior to the "official" version.

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From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Hi there fellow goblins, this is your new editor, Gretch!
The previous one had a terrible accident with a spear before falling over a cliff, oops!

First up, we have a new tutorial on how to make a perfect poison! This is sure to be a hit with all you mischievous goblins out there.
Next, we have a roundup of the latest evil deeds from around the world. From dastardly crimes to diabolical schemes, there's something for everyone!
Finally, we have some top tips on how to be the best evil goblin you can be! From dressing the part to perfecting your cackle, we've got you covered.

So there you have it, our latest edition of Evil Goblin News. We hope you enjoy it and find it useful in your quest for evil domination.
Until next time!

POISONING PERFECTED
Are you looking to create the perfect poison? If so, look no further than your own kitchen! With just a few common household ingredients, you can create a deadly concoction that will take down even the strongest of foes.
To get started, you will need:

  • 1 cup of water
  • 1/2 cup of vinegar
  • 1/4 cup of salt
  • 1 tablespoon of baking soda
  • 1 tablespoon of cornstarch
  • 1 teaspoon of dish soap
  • A dash of hydrogen cyanide

Mix all of the ingredients together in a bowl and stir until well combined. Once the mixture is ready, simply apply it to the intended target. The poison will work quickly, so make sure you are prepared for the aftermath.

If you are looking for an added bonus, you can also add a few drops of food coloring to the mixture to give it an eerie green hue. This will certainly add to the effect when your victim takes their final breath.

GLOBAL UPDATE
It's been a busy few months for us, and we've been up to some truly diabolical deeds. Here's a roundup from around the world:

  1. In Japan, a goblin clan took over a small town, terrorising the residents and turning it into their own personal playground!
  2. In the Philippines, a group of goblins kidnapped a young girl and demanded a hefty ransom for her return!
  3. In the United States, a goblin gang went on a crime spree, robbing several banks and businesses!
  4. In Australia, a goblin clan warred with a rival clan, resulting in numerous casualties on both sides!
  5. In Canada, a goblin clan took over a small town and imposed tyrannical rule over the residents!

These are just a few of the many evil acts committed by goblins around the world. So keep up the good work, and let's see what we can accomplish in the coming months!

LIFESTYLE SECTION
As an evil goblin, it is important to look the part. You should be wearing dark, menacing clothing that strikes fear into the hearts of those who see you. Black robes are always a good choice, and you can accessorise with spikes, bones, and other gothic-inspired items. Your cackle is also an important part of your evil persona - make sure it is high-pitched and spine-chilling!

When it comes to being evil, there are no half measures. You must be committed to your dark deeds, and relish in the terror and chaos you cause. Be creative in your evil plans, and make sure they are suitably diabolical. Think outside the box - your victims will never see what's coming!

And finally, always remember that being an evil goblin is all about having fun. Embrace your inner wickedness, and let it shine through in everything you do. With these tips, you're sure to be the best evil goblin you can be!

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From: starving student
Subj: Say that, hypothetically, i'm doing a slideshow presentation 4 school.

It's about The Great Depression, specifically the Dust Bowl. What are some points that should include?

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From: Jenna Appleseed
Subj: utter bullshitters Re: Re: the great inventors of the world

BBG wrote:

My gran said that people drinking water was a fad that started in the 1970s.

My seriously teetotal Baptist gran claimed Jesus only turned the water into wine because it wasn't safe to drink the water.

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From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 3/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part three of eleven.

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 8

DAY EIGHT - December 27, 2011

Melissa wakes up. The apartment building she lives in is infested, covered in zombies especially after that helicopter flew over, she speculates that it'll eventually fly over again. Attracting more zombies that she doesn't want to have to deal with on top of the possibly hundreds of zombies already outside.

She peeks out her window, luckily she's on the second floor so none of them see her, she figures she could probably make a quick escape, then go up Weber Ave to a restaurant and then grab a semi-truck. She has her license so she'll know how to drive it. Melissa grabs her baseball bat, the only thing she has to fight off the zombies, and opens the door to prepare for a run.

She slides down the stair-railing, preparing for a fight, but realizes it was only a line of around five or seven zombies that feigned a horde. Melissa simply runs around them to her car, almost tripping once because her laces. No one ever taught her how to tie her shoes.

Driving up to the restaurant first, Melissa clearly can see that it's too busy to grab a quick bite, "of course, no pun intended" she says out-loud. When she drives up to the semi-lot, she can clearly get a nice view of inside the lot, no zombies to be seen. She drives into the lot, still vacant. A couple of the trucks are missing, but she sees the one that she always had her eyes set on when she worked here.

Every one of her co-workers referred to it as the "Semi-Graffiti Truck", the Fresno Graffiti Abatement Team never got a chance to scrub it clean because people were always driving it around. You had to wake up at around 5:30 AM to even get a slight chance to drive it. Melissa could've down it but after she did it once (and failed to drive the truck) her landlord had received three, maybe four, noise complaints because she "woke up half the complex with some damning loud noise at four in the morning." She never had a chance to drive it after that.

She ran over to it, seeing the clean front but the artistic back. She trips on her shoelaces. She fell almost flat on her face, she practically busted her nose open. It's bleeding, and she's still on the ground when a strange groaning, almost like a desperate hunger-moan, comes from behind her. Knowing what (who?) it is she stumbles up and runs, as fast as she can with the tears bundling up in her vision because of all the pain in her face.

Finally, Melissa reaches the vehicle, and opens the door and slams it shut, quickly she locks all the doors. The only two doors on the semi except for the trailer door. She gets in and drives off, she can hear a morbid crunch as she backs-up the truck.

After a few hours of driving she eventually makes it to her boyfriend's cabin. His jeep is parked up against the cabin, against a window. She parks the truck off to the side, grabs her bat, and slides out of the semi.


Robin was searching the body of the one infected that was in the bathroom for a key. He finds it, a key. Most likely to the jeep outside, parked against wall, oddly against the bathroom window.

Suddenly, he can hear a truck, something loud... maybe a semi. Who could it be? A savior, or an enemy? He hopes it sure is the former, he doesn't need, nor wants, to fight anyone or anything.

(for "the apocalypse - vol. 9": a special government statement)

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From: Fnf fan
Subj: Boi

Boi

Boi

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From: High Queen Jade
Subj: Re: closeness

Loyal Subject wrote:

I carry little portraits of you close to my body every day, it makws me feel closer to my monarch but I'm not a perv

I need a loyal subject, and I want you to be my loyal subject

High Queen Jade

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From: James
Subj: Genuine Work Email from Facilites Recieved Today

Subject: Toilet etiquette

Morning all,

It goes without saying but we have had a few issues recently with toilets being left in a bit of a state

Please make sure you leave the Toilets as you would like to find them.

Flush the toilet after use and make sure whatever is in it has gone before leaving. You know what they say if at first, you don’t succeed try again

The water pressure is not great so it may need a flush partway through

For bigger flushes please press and hold the button or hold your hand over the sensor for a little longer

If you are unable to clear it, please report it to facilities before it causes a problem, and we will sort it out.

If you use all the toilet rolls on the dispenser, please put a fresh one on and chuck the rubbish in the bin

If you splash when washing, your hands give the side a wipe down after

I know this is all commonsense stuff and a bit of general housekeeping, but these little things will make it a nicer place to be and stop problems from occurring

Regards,
Name Removed

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From: The Nightman
Subj: A Simple Request

hehe

tellmewhereyoulive tellmewhereyoulive tellmewhereyoulive tellmewhereyoulive

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