04 May ’22

Royal eMail

Inbox #16: 10 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Re: Write to Her Maj


Well it's been nice knowing you all but this special edition newsletter is about to be printed & posted off to the Palace, we're hoping for a cosy dungeon though with no dripping water or manacled skeletons.

Just in case we're still around, do send in your creative contributions for the next issue using the Write/Reply links, everything gets looked at and most stuff that isn't too spammy/iffy gets through.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Gregory P. Thurgood III
Subj: Royal Rap to perform at jubilee

Yo, yo, yo, check it
I'm the queen, I'm the queen, I'm the f___in' queen
I got a crown, I got a sceptre, I got a f___in' throne
I'm the queen of England, I'm the queen of the UK
I'm the queen of the world, I'm the f___in' queen

I'm drunk as f___, I'm drunk as f___
I'm the f___in' queen

I got a palace, I got a castle, I got a f___in' yacht
I got a bunch of money, I got a bunch of power
I'm the queen of England, I'm the queen of the UK
I'm the queen of the world, I'm the f___in' queen

I'm drunk as f___, I'm drunk as f___
I'm the f___in' queen


From: Loyal Subject
Subj: closeness


I carry little portraits of you close to my body every day, it makws me feel closer to my monarch but I'm not a perv

Loyal Subject


From: Pete
Subj: Telegram

Can I please have my centenarian telegram/card early??

I'm only 37 but to be blunt you're not going to last another 63 years and I can't see your grandkids bothering when they're in charge
My wife would like hers too, she once shook hands with Philip and said his hand was 'nicely unsweaty'

Pete and Jen


From: anonymous
Subj: invite

Hey there, Liz!

I hope this message finds you in good spirits! I am writing to invite you to come live with me in Queens, New York. I have plenty of room in my apartment, and I think you would really like it here.

There are lots of things to do in Queens, and I think you would enjoy Ferret Racing. I have a ferret named Steve that I think you would like. He's a lot of fun, and he's real fast!

I hope you will consider my offer, and I look forward to hearing from you soon.


A very drunk man


From: Charles Windsor
Subj: Recipe time

turkey crown

It's a bit like Coronation Chicken but you have it later


  • 1 turkey crown
  • 1 bottle of red wine
  • 1 can of whipped cream
  • 1 package of sliced ham
  • 1 package of sliced cheese
  • 1 package of ABDICATION TURKEY MIX


  1. Preheat oven to 350 degrees F.
  2. In a large pot, cook turkey in red wine until tender.
  3. Remove turkey from pot and let cool.
  4. In a medium bowl, mix together whipped cream, ham, cheese, and ABDICATION TURKEY MIX.
  5. Spread mixture over cooled turkey.
  6. Bake in preheated oven for 30 minutes, or until cheese is melted and bubbly.
  7. Abdicate!


From: Jon
Subj: Getting back in the game

I know its only been a year since Phil went but if you're looking to start dating reply to this and I'll put you in touch with my uncle Jeff. He washes most days and already waves at people out of car windows


From: Mark "the man" Mann
Subj: Jubilee shopping list

  • Big box of crunchy nut
  • Every flavour of angel delight
  • All day breakfast in a can
  • Party poppers
  • Pop over to M&S for official Colin Caterpiller cake
  • Posh crisps
  • Mini sausages
  • Cocktail sticks
  • Electric hoverboard
  • Giant floaty silver number 7 balloon
  • Giant floaty silver number 0 balloon
  • Dog poo bags
  • Jewelry polish
  • cans
  • Baileys not knockoff
  • box of lindor or ferrero rocher
  • Extra strong anti perspirant for youknowwho
  • fancy big not-frozen pizza
  • McDonalds drive thru on the way home, treat yourself


From: anonymous
Subj: complaint

Sorry but you've been crap after Freddy Mercury died


From: anonymous
Subj: Silver jubilee memories


Hey, long time no see, remember me from 1977?

At primary school they told us something about a royal visit and got us to draw flags and banners, then we had a day off to stand alongside the road from the station, almost right outside our house.

I just about managed to work my way to the front of the crowd, with adults towering over me shouting and cheering.

We all waved as you approached and I unfurled my banner featuring a picture of a donkey and THIS DONKEY IS BETTER THAN YOU in big red letters. The car came screeching to a halt just past us, you leapt out in a rage, screaming about treason as Philip held you back and said “They’re leek munchers, they don’t know any better”

The banner was taken away by men in dark suits and we had a new teacher the next day. I still think donkeys are better than royals though.



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