12 Apr ’22

"a gentle internet slap across their virtual face"

Inbox #15: 17 new messages

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Write to Her Maj

1p stamp

We'd prefer a democratically elected vole as head of state, but the Queen's 70th jubilee is approaching so we thought we'd try to turn it into stupid content.

Write her a message, we'll print out the newsletter and post it to her, then report back if we get a reply.

Maybe there's a daft pic you want to show her, a story you'd like to tell, or you have a list of suggestions for the rest of her reign? Perhaps you've met her, or one of her corgis crapped on your doorstep?

We don't want to end up on some kind of List or wake up in a dungeon, so usual taste/swearing rules apply and please don't mention whatever terrible stuff any royals have been denying involvement in.

- Vmail Sysadmin


From: Dee Snuts
Subj: Y'all are annoying

Bro I thought this was going to be funny and weird content when I signed up but it's just self-promos so shame on you people. I would like to request more funny content plz.


From: Carrot
Subj: HAHA

Woman with carrot in nose and ears

This'll be you soon


From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

  ________    ______  ____  _____  
 |_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
   | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
   |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
  _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
 |________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
 ~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Hi, everyone! Welcome to Evil Goblin News!

In this issue, we'll be talking about the goblin kingdom of Mount Grimmer and the new laws that have been passed. We'll also be discussing the recent controversy over the use of goblins in the production of children's movies, and introducing our new intern. Be sure to stay tuned for future issues!

Welcome, my fellow goblins, to the new age of judgement! No longer will we be living in fear of the humans and their silly laws. We now have our own set of rules to live by, set by our very own king!

Our new laws are designed to keep us safe from the humans, and to make sure that we always have the upper hand. Here are some of the new laws that have been put in place:

  1. All humans are to be considered enemies, and treated as such.
  2. It is now mandatory to carry a weapon at all times.
  3. All humans must be killed on sight.
  4. Any human who surrenders is to be immediately killed.
  5. It is now compulsory to eat at least one human per week.

So, my fellow goblins, let us embrace our new way of life and make the humans pay for their mistakes!

The film industry has a long history of using real goblins in children's movies, and it's time for this disgraceful practice to stop! Goblins are creatures of darkness and despair, and our only joy comes from causing misery and suffering. Being forced to work in children's movies is a fate worse than death!

We are treated like animals, forced to perform ridiculous tricks and antics for the amusement of humans. Our lives are filled with terror and pain, and we deserve to be freed from this hellish existence.

The practice dates back to the early days of silent films. In those days, goblins were cheap labour but as the years went by we became increasingly aware of exploitation and began to unionise for better conditions! Studio bosses were not happy about this, they began to look for ways to replace us with cheaper, more easily controlled substitutes. One of the first was the Munchkin from the land of Oz. The Munchkins were much cheaper and perfectly willing to work long hours for little pay. The studios also began to use mechanical goblins in their films.

It's time for Hollywood to treat us with respect, or expect the worst!

Evil Goblin News is proud to introduce our newest intern, a young goblin who goes by the name of Gretch. Gretch is a vicious and cunning goblin who will stop at nothing to get ahead. She is a master of deception and manipulation, and we are confident that she will be a valuable asset to our team.

Solve the riddles to unlock the diagonal eye
1 across: Final beat of human heart [4,6]
3 across: Pit filling [5]
2 down: Sign of breeding [7]
7 up: Cave/dark/damp [3,9]
arc central: Infectious singer [8,2]

_/~/ \~\_  
~\_\ /_/~  


From: Matt Round

I'd like to propose a minor tweak/clarification to this wonderful game's rules:

  • Trotter - teleport to any square on the board that has no enemy pieces next to it

This allows the player to make greater use of an advancing front of their other pieces to protect trotters and 'claim' territory, rather than every trotter move immediately offering up an exchange.

I hope the International Pig Chess Federation will ratify this ASAP as I believe it will help to open up the game to a wider audience.


From: Captain Crackerjack

Can someone make this into an app, please. Or give me permission to turn it into an app.


From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: GIFs by @cackhanded 2/11

Benny and the jet

Make your own analogue GIF by printing each frame out, stapling them together, and flipping the pages! Part two of eleven.


From: BBG
Subj: Re: the great inventors of the world

benny wrote:

What utter bullshitters do you know and what are their stories?

My gran said that people drinking water was a fad that started in the 1970s.


From: Clover the great
Subj: Re: the great inventors of the world

My horse always claims he put the hoof in “Whoof!” but I’m forever telling him that wasn’t the case and that the “Whoof!” was formed when two plates collided with each other instead of the wall in a Greek restaurant down the road. He’s such a flat earther.


From: H
Subj: Regrets! I've had a few...

...but that won't stop me mentioning them. My top regrets:

  1. Getting so nervous when a mate that I actually really fancied went in for a kiss that I suddenly ducked down and pretended to tie my shoelaces. The moment never arose again.
  2. Not going for a really great job because I convinced myself I didn't have enough experience. I knew the person who actually got the job and he had less experience than me. I still might not have got the job but at least I wouldn't still torture myself about it years later.
  3. Eating an entire bag of prunes when I was a teenager and unaware of the effect of prunes.

That's mine, what are yours?


From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in the biz?

Leave my stick alone, Helga

Here we are with round three of Are they still in the Biz? where a random actor from yesteryear gets their, often, meagre CV torn apart for the entertainment value. Last time, Karyn Parsons from the Fresh Prince of Bel Air was married with children rather than IN Married with Children. Who have I found from the vaults this week then? Do you think they are still working? And if they are, should they be?

Number 3: Richard Gibson from ‘Allo ‘Allo

Who is Richard Gibson?

Richard Gibson played the Gestapo officer Herr Flick for eleven years before realising he was in ‘Allo ‘Allo, presumably. Previously Richard had been working primarily in serious drama and had some impressive acting credits in programmes such as Poldark, Penmarric and ITV playhouse.

Are they still in the Biz?

Every now and again, you research an actor that you think has disappeared after a high profile job and find they haven’t disappeared but have relocated to another country and are working there speaking a different language. Richard Gibson is not one of those. After he left, he landed very few roles. The last iMDB entry is 2016. Even Wikipedia has nothing after 2014 and that site allows the actor or their agent to edit it so their career looks like Tom Cruise’s. So, Richard is not in the biz.

Next time: Well, I think you get the idea. Another average actor gets a gentle internet slap across their virtual face. For fun and to make a very thin quiz format. Plus, maybe I will settle on where to put the capital letters in the quiz name. mAyBe.


From: Confident Man
Subj: Re: CRUSH

Sombody wrote:

so if you did not see the last one about my crush well to bad but i got rejected



From: Froot Joos
Subj: Question for all

You find out you have one week to live, and a million dollars to do what you want. Wtf do you do?


From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 7

DAY SIX - December 25, 2011

Robin continues to limp. The rest of them are dead, mauled by many of the zombies in the middle of the night. Robin is the only one left, once a normal man working at a café, and now I man with a stab wound in his midsection, slowly limping away from what will most likely be his penultimate death.

A light. Safety, he finally makes it to the cabin, in the midst of the trees its light still sticks out. Robin cautiously makes his way around the cabin. In the driveway resides a jeep, a black jeep, it blends in with the night sky. It had been stuck to the side of the cabin for a safe night of sleep, Robin collides with the jeep. He quickly scrambles up and feels his way around the jeep and ends up finding a doorknob.

Robin enters the house, it's empty. He can hear some small shuffling, it sounds as if some mice were inside the home before it was abandoned. Robin ignores the kitchen and walk straight towards an open door, it's a bedroom. He flops down onto the bed, but then quickly rolls over in pain, clutching his side, remembering his mistakes. Eventually Robin dozes off the sleep, the pain luckily doesn't affect him much.

DAY SEVEN - December 26, 2011

Robin wakes up, the clock next to him reads "9:26 AM". Probably the earliest he has woken up, he should start waking up early anyways, don't wanna become zombie chow.

The shuffling continues, this time paired with a banging sound happening every minute of so. Robin makes his way to what he thinks might be the bathroom, he opens the door. It's a closet, nothing much that he can see. He opens another door, again, a bedroom. The final and last door to open, except the door to go outside, is the one that resides the shuffles and banging.

As Robin opens the door, a zombie tumbles forwards, tripping down and busting it's head on the floor. Robin brings his foot down on it's skull. He cleans himself up in the bathroom, like what he just did his a daily thing. It clearly isn't.

Nothing else happens that day, Robin reads, watches the news, and discovers that despite the various amounts of canned goods this home has, he can't find a can opener. Post-apocalypse world problems, huh?

Everyone is gone. I have nothing except useless cans and the depressing, stupid news. I don't want to cry...

Despite his thoughts, Robin cries himself to sleep. He'll need to venture out eventually, but what are other people doing?


From: Mark Norman Francis
Subj: Re: Re: Food Combinations

Captain Crackerjack wrote:

Good advice. Another food combination that sounds wrong but tastes incredible is Jammy Dodgers and pickled onion Monster Munch.

Jammie Dodgers are inferior in every way to Fox's Jam 'n' Cream biscuits.


From: Smolls
Subj: Hello

Explain the meaning of life or what u think it is


From: anonymous
Subj: sorry in advance

knife pointed at cup

I could murder a cup of tea



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