30 Mar ’22

"move one square forward or self-destruct"

Inbox #13: 15 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Plug your stuff

plug

The next inbox will be 100% ads - we want your blatant self-promotion to send to 3,800 subscribers.

Click the Reply link below, pick a suitable pic, describe what you do/make/sell and include a URL.

(Do keep sending other stuff, it'll go out in the one after)

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: Prof. Rupert Murdoch (not that one)
Subj: Urgent research findings

Dear voles/sirs/madams,
Our institute’s research indicates grave dangers associated with the thirteenth issues of newsletters, extending far beyond mere trivial superstition or gentle suggestion. From our preliminary findings we ask you to carefully avoid the following topics:

  • Twisted wordplay/games
  • Nostalgia (especially tinged with darkness)
  • Primitive places - woods, swamps, caves
  • Apocalyptic events
  • Body image and health/beauty

Last month I failed to warn the creators of “Daily Wordle, Skincare & ‘80s Zombies” in time and the cannibalism incidents will forever be on my conscience.

Prof. Rupert Murdoch (not that one) and team

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From: anonymous
Subj: FREE PRINTABLE GAME: Pig Chess

pig chess

  • Tail - move one square forward or self-destruct
  • Pig pen - move at right angles an odd number of squares
  • Trotter - teleport to any square on the board that has no pieces next to it
  • Snout - any direction/distance but must sing “This little piggy…” in full afterwards using the other player’s toes
  • Brain & spinal cord - cannot move, but can control the other player’s next move once per game

The game ends when a player’s brain & spinal cord are destroyed, the other player is then declared to be "The Survivor".

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From: Morris McSquirter
Subj: Re: Put me in the world record books

Solar wrote:

Do any of you people work at Guinness? If so, please give me the world record for "first person to eat 50 pieces of pie ...

iirc anyone can apply for a record, but you need evidence and need to pay a fee.

Standard applications

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From: Sir Matthew ‘Matthew’ Glebe
Subj: WT* offends my ears

Dear Vole,

Regarding those three letters – you know the ones you rascal – that come at the end of the name of your website. They stand for a rude term ending in a SWEAR WORD. I won’t repeat it. Frankly I don’t think this is in anyway appropriate.

May I suggest using the initialism of a synonymous phrase such as:

  • Vole.WOE for ‘What On Earth?’
  • Vole.WTD for ‘What the Devil...’
  • Vole.GGM for ‘Good Gracious Me!’
  • Vole.BMH for ‘By Matthew’s Horn’

Bad language is neither big nor clever and I trust you will see sense in this matter.

Yours earnestly
Matthew

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From: benny
Subj: the great inventors of the world

My dad has a colleague who swears he invented the double helix multi-storey parking system.

My uncle says he introduced the idea of lemon and sugar on pancakes to the entire nation of France.

What utter bullshitters do you know and what are their stories?

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From: anonymous
Subj: Nostalgia blast

Back to the 70s

It's time to go back to when things were simple and fun!
This time we're revisiting the amazing world of snooker in the '70s when the players were real characters:

Percy "The Pocket Predator" Pickles
Born in England in 1950, he started playing snooker at the age of 12 and quickly rose through the ranks. Pickles was known for his flamboyant style of play and dress, often wearing outrageous glitter-framed spectacles at the snooker table. Pickles' career came to an abrupt end in 1979 when he was involved in a match-fixing scandal. He was banned from professional snooker for life and died penniless in 1986.

Willie "Wonder Kid" Winkle
One of the most talented snooker players of his generation. A prodigy, he won his first professional tournament at the age of just 17.
However, his career was cut short by tragedy. In 1974, during a world championship match, Willie collapsed and died of a heart attack. Willie's death shocked the snooker world and left his many fans mourning the loss of a true legend.

Boris "Bulldog of the Baize" Borisov
A brash and talented player from Russia, Borisov was known for his aggressive playing style and volatile temper. While he was often able to use his raw talent to win matches, Borisov's antics often landed him in hot water with officials. He was banned from the World Snooker Championship for two years after punching a referee in the face.
Despite his reputation as a troublemaker, Borisov was always a popular figure with fans.

Sid "The Sniper" Saunders
A controversial figure with a deadly accurate cue, Saunders was known for his unorthodox and sometimes dangerous playing style. While many fans loved watching him play, his opponents often found themselves on the wrong end of his precision shots. More than one complained of "sabotage" by Saunders during a match, and there were rumours he had fixed games to win bets.
Saunders' career came to an abrupt end in 1977, when he was arrested and charged with the murder of another snooker player. The charges were later dropped, but Saunders' reputation was forever tarnished and he faded into obscurity.

Ritchie "The Rockin' Runcorn Rocket" Richards
A gifted player with a big talent for the game and hair to match, Richards quickly developed a reputation for being unpredictable and temperamental. He was also known for his showmanship, and was often seen performing trick shots during matches.
However, his off-table antics overshadowed his on-table achievements, and in 1979 he was banned from playing professional snooker for life after assaulting a referee in a pub. He died in obscurity in 2006, aged 60.

Doris "The Destroyer" Duffy
Duffy began playing snooker in her teens and quickly developed a reputation for her aggressive potting, soon becoming one of the top players in the world.
Duffy's personal life was as colourful as her playing style. She was married five times, and her affairs were widely publicised. In the late 1970s, Duffy's career began to decline due to struggles with alcohol and depression and she was banned from several tournaments for disruptive behaviour.
Duffy died in 1992 at the age of 47. She was inducted into the Snooker Hall of Fame in 2006.

Join us again soon for another nostalgic look back at a golden age!

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From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: BIRTHDAY shopping list

Mark “the man” Mann wrote:

- oven chips - chicken dippers - burger buns - couple of those spiral sausages - cheese slices - crunchy nut or choco ...

... sausages - colin caterpiller knockoff - NO OTHER CAKE - rennies - bogroll (white or cream) - rustlers bbq rib - bleach

Turns out I was mistaken when I proclaimed an earlier shopping list to be the most depressing I’d ever seen. Still, it serves to prove that we’re always learning and this foul world in which we live is constantly capable of surprising and disappointing us, unto the sweet embrace of death.

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From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Newspaper dream headlines

Perfect headlines which only work in unlikely circumstances.

I’ll start.

So, if S Club 7 were to reunite but were then caught in a terrible accident and were all decapitated:

S CLUB SEVERED

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From: Sombody
Subj: CRUSH

so if you did not see the last one about my crush well to bad but i got rejected BUT were friend ig but its fine Know this populer kid likes me and he sags and like does weed and stuff like that im just waiting for him to ask me out so i say no because then some boys will start liking me and it might just be AJ (CRUSH)

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From: Mr.NotSkinwalker
Subj: Fun Activity for Spring!

FUN PLACE TO BE

Hey, everyguys! This is a human coming to tell you about some FUN FUN FUN activities for the whole family!
Activity 1: SacriFUN! How do you play? IT'S SIMPLE!

  1. Head deep, deep, deep into the woods.
  2. Then start screaming FUN and spooky things.
  3. Resist the urge to fight back, as your body will not want this event to take place.
  4. Do not fight them. Allow yourself to be consumed.
    BY F U N OF COURSE! It's all just a joke! Nothing bad will happen! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHA!

Make sure to play this game with EVERYONE YOU CAN! Those wild critters need f e e d i n g.
I'll be back soon with more fun games and useful survival tips!

- Signed, Mr.IMNOTASKINWALKER

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From: Mr.NotSkinwalker
Subj: Re: Where am i

Explorer wrote:

should i follow the sun to stay in a line
or settle in the shed i found
or make a fire

Hey Mr.Explorer, my recommendation is to get in the shed, cover yourself up, and hide throughout the night. You don't want to be attacked by a wild animal!

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From: Explorer
Subj: Re: Where am i

path

i'm ok everyone
did toilet in a hedge then found a path back

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From: Stories+
Subj: the apocalypse - vol. 6

DAY FIVE - December 24, 2011

The previous day, Cody gathered all the essentials and slammed them into the trunk of the minivan. Mary sleeps in the passenger seat. Chris sleeps in the way back. Jewel continues to tend to Robin, waiting for them to reach the city. Cody drives, reaching a barrier right outside Fresno.

They would've gone the other way but the dead had swarmed the military checkpoint. Now they must travel through Fresno, a city full of scared people and the infected. Although they first need to get Robin somewhere safe. Nathan suffered from cardiac arrest while on the toilet, poor guy. Cody gets out of the car, there's a chainlink fence in front of them, he needs to open it. He climbs over the fence, it's locked from the inside, he unlocks the gate. A zombie comes from behind him. Some kind of disturbing crunching noise can be heard as Cody shoves it off of him and kicks it.

It got him. Maybe. Cody climbs back in and starts driving. It's surprisingly empty, few groans come from the street. They make their way to the pharmacy. It's not as empty as the streets, but Cody easily gets them out of the way. Mary awakens and slumps out of the car.

Around an hour later they both come out. Chris has already awoken and helped herself to a granola bar. Cody throws some bandages, a bottle of disinfectent, and some stitching material to Jewel. Then Cody starts driving away, towards the hospital in an attempt to get some actually experienced people to help Robin. Hopefully they don't have to pay any overpriced bills.

DAY SIX - December 25, 2011

It should be Christmas right now. Many families should be celebrating, but instead their brain-dead body is stumbling about the streets of Fresno. Maybe even Nevada. Some radio host is making an announcement.

"Uh... I wish I didn't have to say this. It doesn't feel nice knowing the world is still going to... falling, I can say. Nevada has been 'infected', whatever they mean by that, exactly. This disease, obviously some form of zombification, has been reported in Oregon, Arizona, and South-West of Utah. One case even in Virginia and Maine... This is all too depressing. May the world have mercy and grace for you who... well, can't. Can't walk away, or even run. By the way, if you can have access to the news, the US Government is announcing a 'economical fall'. Sorry, all. Goodbye."

They're all sleeping, Robin is the only one awake. It's a dead midnight. No moaning nor groaning from the woods, streets, nothing.

A helicopter passes them, light on. Robin quickly stumbles out of the minivan. He needs to signal them. Suddenly, about a half hour later, he can hear them. The dead come from the woods. Robin limbs away, as they scream.

A hot tear falls down Robin's cheek as he runs, or you could say limps, away as fast a he can. Hell has officially arisen, and there's nothing anyone can do about it. A sad day, and an even sadder soon-to-be new year.

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From: Beauty King
Subj: skincare

scrubber

Want to start the day feeling exfoliated AND moisturised?

Scrubb your face with a well fried slice of black pudding, get its bloody goodness right into your pores, then enjoy as part of your cooked breakfast.

I do not recommend rubbing bacon or scrambled egg onto your skin but hash browns may help with "backne".

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