24 Mar ’22

"a goldfish on acid with a head injury"

Inbox #12: 17 new messages

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From: Casey
Subj: Gnarly Trick Bro

Skateboarding guy

Quick question.

Ever draw a person doing a trick on a skateboard? Neither have I. This was my first time drawing a skateboarding guy. I don't know how I did but I think it's very mediocre.

Regards, Casey


From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Star Trek : Voyager

xts wrote:

How many boxes of Pot Noodles did Voyager have on board as emergency rations? What was the least favourite?

Only 100 as they would probably have started on eating each other first. The least fave has to be Chick and mush obv


From: Charlie Day-Man
Subj: ASDA by TOTO

Don't know what I'm havin' for tea tonight
The path back home is slowly turning black with precipitation
Rains coming in, my coat is light
Those green letters represent the solution to my twin frustrations
I stopped by the old greeter on the way
Hoping to find the reduced aisle for a cracking bargain if you please
He turned to me then he said "Hurry boy, it's all three for two"

I'm gonna buy a lot and drag it away from you
It's gonna be bags for life the others will never do
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
Gonna take some time to buy the things we never have (ooh, ooh)

The rain clouds cry out in the night
As they grow restless, longing for someone to rain upon
I know my dinner choice is right
I throw the bag of gnocchi down as there is special offer of packs of spaghetti
I grope for vouchers in my wallet's sides, frightened of this thing that I've become

I'm gonna buy a lot and drag it away from you
It's gonna be bags for life the others will never do
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
Gonna take some time to buy the things we never have (ooh, ooh)

Hurry boy, there's no f___ing queue
I'm gonna buy a lot and drag it away from you
It's gonna be bags for life the others will never do

I missed the rains nipping into Asda
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
(I missed the rain)
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
(I missed the rain)
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
I missed the rains nipping into Asda
(ah, gonna take the time)
Gonna take some time to buy the things we never have (ooh, ooh)


From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Food Combinations

Stew wrote:

Strawberry oreos are the best means for conveying hummus from bowl to face...

...Just don't use mint oreos. That's proper disgusting.

Good advice. Another food combination that sounds wrong but tastes incredible is Jammy Dodgers and pickled onion Monster Munch. I discovered this one day after smoking some reefer-joints of Sweet Mary Jane, and I've never tried it again since, but I recall it being like the Ambrosia of the Gods, albeit without the eternal life benefits.


From: Ruff Ryder
Subj: Re: Re: Floof Thread

Cute doggy boy

Lizzie wrote:

My dog Winston taking an afternoon nap on the couch.

My dog kaiser sleeping :3


From: Declan
Subj: Cat potato

Cat potato

Cat potato getting bath and has no worrys


From: Logan
Subj: Doggo




From: the goblins
Subj: Evil Goblin News

 ________    ______  ____  _____  
|_   __  | .' ___  ||_   \|_   _|  
  | |_ \_|/ .'   \_|  |   \ | |  
  |  _| _ | |   ____  | |\ \| |  
 _| |__/ |\ `.___]  |_| |_\   |_  
|________| `._____.'|_____|\____|  
~~~~~~~ EVIL GOBLIN NEWS ~~~~~~~~  

Hello, fellow goblins!
Welcome to the Evil Goblin News, your source for all the latest news and events in the goblin world!

In this edition, we'll be discussing our recent victory in the Battle of the Horned Mountain, and the new goblin king who has arisen to lead us to glory! We'll also be talking about the upcoming goblin festival, and all the fun events that are planned for it! Be sure to mark your calendars, because this is one event you don't want to miss! Thank you for your continued support, and be sure to check back soon for more exciting news and events from the goblin world!

A resounding victory for the goblin forces! Our brave warriors fought valiantly against the enemy, and emerged victorious against all odds.
This is a great day for the goblin people, and a crushing defeat for our enemies. We will celebrate our victory tonight, and toast to the health of our fallen comrades.
May they writhe forever in the pit of blood!

The goblin king is dead! Long live the new goblin king!
Yesterday, the old goblin king was killed in battle, and today a new goblin king has been crowned. The new king is a fierce and powerful warrior, and he has pledged to lead the goblin people to victory. We will not be denied our rightful place in the world any longer!

The goblin festival is just around the corner and we've got a lineup of evil entertainment that is sure to delight all of our guests. And what better place to celebrate than in the dark, dank caves that we call home?

First up is our headlining act, the Dark Queen herself! She will be performing her signature song, "The Witch's Brew." Then, we have the always popular Goblin Band, who will be playing a mix of fun and hate-filled tunes.

Of course, no goblin festival would be complete without a few games and activities. We'll have a skull carving contest, a battle-cry choir, and a disgusting human costume competition. And for those who really want to get into the spirit of things, we'll have a "best cackle" contest.

So come on in and join us for a wicked good time!

The forecast for this week is dark and dreary, with a high level of bats and spiders. There is a chance of persistent showers which could bring an increased risk of cave-ins, so be sure to stay alert.


From: Kranot
Subj: The Misunderstanding of Goblin Mode

Dear vmail,

'Goblin mode' has entered common parlance lately. I shan't go into the cause of this to avoid undue attention to the world of celebrity and low-brow memetic expressions.

What pains me is the misuse of 'goblin mode' as a positive (!) description of behaviour that is chaotic, reckless, and filthy. This is incorrect.

'Goblin mode' is, in fact, a linguistic descriptor. One does not 'go goblin mode', rather one 'speaks in the goblin mode', just as we speak in the religious or analogic modes.

I know in this day and age many young people struggle with modal speech, and see it as outdated. Instead they prefer to clumsily contextualise their sentences with unnecessary sentences, inflections, and references. This is a pity and, I fear, a sign of our society's direction.

I write this letter in order to enlighten vmail readers, and to encourage them to the simplicity and efficient modal way of speech.

Here are some example sentences and the meaning imbued by the goblin mode.

"I am hungry" = "In a fit of rage I tore my bread to pieces, and showered a group of children in crumbs."

"The day is getting late." = "I've yet to creep the forest, gurgling and muttering as I go."

"Excuse me, I'm looking for the Abbenay Marine Biology Research Institute?" = "I'm going to eat all the fish at the Abbenay Marine Biology Research Institute."

I hope this has been of interest to your readers. To finish here is a quiz. When spoken in the goblin mode, what is the meaning of:

"Could I have a sip of your water?"

Kind regards,



From: Kelly S
Subj: Re: Who the hell are you?

Sysadmin @VOLEwtf wrote:

Simply click Reply below and introduce yourself to 3,500 people

Not a lie: I'm a librarian.
Maybe a lie: I am not a librarian.
A lie: I'm not not a librarian.


From: kris
Subj: Re: Who the hell are you?

I'm the terror of the night, the one who makes you run upstairs after you turn off the lights with the hope that you will make it up to bed fast enough. I'm the thing making you not want your toes to hang off the edge of the bed. I'm the one who makes you dread getting up for water. I'm the darkness and insecurities. You will never be able to escape me. I'm all around you yet I'm nowhere. Don't try to run I'll only catch you.


From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Are they still in the biz?

Karyn Parsons doing her one joke brilliantly

Back with another round of that viral sensation, Are They Still In The Biz? I take a less well-known actor from a random TV programme and you guess whether they are working or resting. Last time I decided (eventually) that Andrew Dunn from dinnerladies was still in the biz. Who do we have this time then? Eh? Hurry it up, man, my attention span is like a goldfish on acid with a head injury

Number 2: Karyn Parsons from Fresh Prince of Bel Air

Who is Karyn Parsons?

Karyn Parsons played the family’s older daughter Hilary Banks in 146 episodes of the show. Her character had ONE joke – ONE. Yes, she was a rich, spoilt airhead and that was hammered home in every one of those 146 episodes. She had been in TV before that but this was her first major part.

So, are they still in the biz?

After Will Smith ran for the Hollywood hills, most of the cast moved on. Karyn went back to her one-show casting apart from a main role on The Job. Yeah, me neither. And that was that. She married a director, Alexandre Rockwell, and had two kids. IMDB do have two more credits, one short in 2018 – I don’t count these as they could be filmed in your bathroom, drunk, on a phone – and Eve in the 2020 film Sweet Thing directed by Alexandre Rockwell. Her husband cast her. Brownie points for Alex

So, this time, the answer to the question is no, not a chance, this one’s a dead cert. Karyn Parsons is not still in the biz

Next time: Another poke with a stick at a poor actor who are doing their best under difficult circumstances in a dog-eat-dog industry


From: Solar
Subj: Put me in the world record books

Do any of you people work at Guinness? If so, please give me the world record for "first person to eat 50 pieces of pie while on a pogo stick bouncing through a maze made of chainsaws". I believe that this record is extraordinary, and it deserves to be written down in one of your books. Future species can admire my efforts if you simply write down this record. If you think that this is an impossible record that was definitely made up in 5 minutes, then... get out. Please and thank you.


From: Kristoffer
Subj: Re:Re:Scavenger Hunt: Win Your Own Private Island

Archipelago on www.wilderness.land.

Hidden in Wilderness Land's mist of the unknown, Sarah discovered an Archipelago of Aquatic Dreams. Hereby, the Scavenger Hunt comes to an end. To draw a map to get lost, write kristoffer@naiveweekly.com


From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: BIRTHDAY shopping list

  • oven chips
  • chicken dippers
  • burger buns
  • couple of those spiral sausages
  • cheese slices
  • crunchy nut or choco pillows
  • crumpets
  • cans
  • smoke alarm battery
  • 3x big crisps posh flavours
  • car shampoo
  • big bulb NOT screw ones again
  • choc chip cookies
  • dairylea lunchables ham or chicken
  • beans with sausages
  • colin caterpiller knockoff
  • rennies
  • bogroll (white or cream)
  • rustlers bbq rib
  • bleach


From: monkey two
Subj: stealing from subway

so i went to subway today and this guy asked for a cheese sandwitch with 2 ham when the guy went to put it in the oven (or what ever it is) he vaulted over the counter and starded stealing cups cheese bacon and all the things.
two hours later i see a trail of subway food things and hes sleeping their with bread saying: FREE SUBWAY SANDWITCHS i cant with ny


From: Explorer
Subj: Where am i


Every field leads to another field
tried to go to a house but a man shouted to keep my dogs away from his goats but i don't have a dog

should i follow the sun to stay in a line
or settle in the shed i found
or make a fire



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