16 Feb ’22

"learning to sing ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ backwards"

Inbox #1: 12 new messages


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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Welcome to the jumble

Instead of us just waffling on and endlessly plugging our stuff, Vmail is a curated inbox that thousands of you can contribute to, a mixture of discussion list, newsletter, bulletin board & letters page.

Use the Write/Reply links to send something in - daft or serious, short or long, text and/or pic, maybe even your own newsletter-within-a-newsletter. Surprise us!

The next inbox will go out when there’s enough in the pile, and soon a web archive will show past emails (but never the latest one).

- Vmail Sysadmin

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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: P.S. Try out the retro image filters

VOLE\.wtf

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From: anonymous
Subj: complaint

I want to get in early and be 1st to say whatever this is it's gone downhill and isn't as good as it used to be

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From: @sennydreadful
Subj: The Noodiac

six packets of instant noodles

In a wild and inhospitable universe, trust the cosmic power of noodles to safely guide you to your next spicy lunch. Look up your noodiac sign and discover what the future has in store for you.

Little Orange Baby: March 21-May 20

Who you are: Offers to split the last doughnut as a power move/tiny forest cryptid/a little bit psychic
What waits for you: You need to get rid of that yoghurt in the fridge, it’s been in there for months now and at some point a responsible adult is going to see it and you’ll be busted, pal.

Fancy Thomas: May 21-July 22

Who you are: Secretly races anyone else walking on the same stretch of pavement/the lonesome soul of a distant mountain lives in your heart/has constantly itchy pants
What waits for you: Your cat is going to do a sick in your shoe. I know you don’t have a cat, or if you do have a cat this is a secret future cat more terrible and snooty than you can currently imagine. Guard your shoes.

Fishy Michael: July 23- September 22

Who you are: Big Duvet Energy/simply cannot with anything right now/secretly afraid of pens
What waits for you: learning to sing ‘Livin’ on a Prayer’ backwards to annoy everyone at karaoke sounds like a good idea, but it will in fact backfire and summon a demon who wants nothing to do with your nonsense. So best to just forget the whole idea.

Big Daddy Pots: September 23- November 21

Who you are: sleeps with one foot outside the bed like a maniac/always has eyes closed in photos, even selfies/smells faintly of spicy niknaks
What waits for you: odds are that time travel features heavily in your future, which is just not on really, it messes about with the concept of free will and destiny and so on – and more to the point makes your noodiac horoscope obsolete. Stop it.

Spicy BOIFE: November 22- January 20

Who are you: pure chaotic archbishop of banterbury/owns t-shirts older than god/is actually a little bat living in a shoe
What waits for you: tiny little bugs will continue to crawl inside your shoe, providing you with a constant high protein diet. You will live for many, many happy years as an inexplicably swole bat.

Sweaty Chicken: January 21 - March 20

Who are you: thinks potatoes are just really neat/formed in a hydrothermal vent 3.42 billion years ago/still hasn’t returned that library book
What waits for you: On the next full moon, take the last Chinese takeaway flyer that was pushed through your door and pick a number at random. The dish it refers to will be the favourite dish of the person who sat next to you on the bus last Thursday.

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From: EGG
Subj: EGG

EGG

EGG

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From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: shopping list

  • chicken tikka slices
  • lurpak spreadable (NOT “light” rubbish)
  • big crisps, posh if discount
  • dark choc digestive
  • bogroll (white or cream)
  • cheese
  • beans
  • frozen pizza dr oatker mushroom or whatever on discount
  • tv times
  • dairlea dunkers
  • oven chips not rubbish ones
  • drain unblocker
  • paracetamol
  • 2 way adapter
  • orange squash
  • NO CAKE
  • cotton buds
  • petit filou
  • bread (not cheapest stodge)
  • vienetta
  • carrots

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From: HappyToast
Subj: Hello

HappyToast's Columbo

Hello VMail people. Here's a picture of Columbo I did which happens to be the most popular print on my site happytoast.co.uk

Who's your favourite Columbo murderer?

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From: AmyVR
Subj: The Stone Giants (short folktale)

Large log perched against a cliff

A valley hides in the depths of Cumbria, seldom visited but occasionally stumbled upon by ramblers. Those lucky enough to discover this ancient area have probably never heard the history behind it, which makes for interesting telling.

Millenia ago, a tribe of giants travelled over the border from Scotland to England. Hoping to avoid an ongoing war between their own kind and the elves, they were thrilled to discover a secluded valley just over the crossing. As it was seemingly free from occupants and far enough away to keep them out of trouble, they happily decided to make it their home.

Summer passed peacefully. The tranquillity of the valley was a good match for this relaxed tribe who only wanted to live a quiet life. They didn’t disturb a soul, though they did have a habit of singing the old songs on rainy nights, causing the ground to rumble under their chorus.

One October night, an English witch clan began to circle silently overhead. Unbeknown to the giants this valley was the witches’ winter home. After spending a long summer in Devon they had returned to Cumbria for Samhain, ready to welcome in the dark side of the year.

Perhaps the witches could have spoken to the giants, asked them to move on, or maybe they could have spent the darker months alongside them, sharing the valley. They did not. Instead, the witches attacked.

The head of the tribe was targeted first. Sitting in the meadow, leaning against a cliff, she noticed a witch swooping down towards her. She tried to rise quickly, but before she could get up, the witch had turned her to stone. The other giants were stunned, too devastated by the loss of their beloved leader to retaliate. So the witches descended on them. The rest of the tribe were turned into stone within minutes.

The witch clan continued their winter festivities, surrounded by the stone giants. In the new year, they moved on.

Time passed. In spring, after a year of war, a distant cousin of the tribe travelled over the border. He hoped to reconnect with his old friends. Following in their path, it wasn’t long before he found the valley. When he saw what had happened to his loved ones, he pounded the ground with his colossal fists, causing the cliffs of the valley to split in ways that you can still see today.

Desperate to free his cousins from their prison of stone, he smashed every statue to pieces, until all that was left were the bones of the tribe, scattered around the valley.

Over time, most of the remains were eaten by the earth, though some were taken by collectors. The leader’s thigh bone, though, heavier than the rest, still remains there to this day, leaning against the cliff.

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From: anonymous
Subj: TOO POWERFUL

BRRM

YOU WON'T SHOW THIS CAR
YOU CAN'T HANDLE THE POWER

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From: Matt
Subj: THERE ARE TOO MANY INTERNET NEWSLETTERS

Frankly there are far too many newsletters, and I have no idea why Matt has decided to create a new one when the BEST one already exists. Web Curios is not that newsletter, but it is mine, so have a link to it webcurios.co.uk

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From: Gregory P. Thurgood III
Subj: Biro jokes

Why do biros always run out of ink?
Because they're always being used!

Why did the biro run away?
Because it was scared of the pencil!

Why did the biro go to the zoo?
To see the pen-guins!

Why did the biro go to the swimming pool?
To swim the breaststroke!

Why did the biro go to the cinema?
To see a film about pens!

Why don't biros work in the dark?
Because they're not lighters!

Why do biros make excellent witnesses?
Because they never forget anything.

Why do biros make great lovers?
Because they're always up for a bit of nibbling.

Why do biros make terrible husbands?
Because they can't stay in one place for more than a few seconds.

Why do biros make terrible wives?
Because they're always running off with other pens.

Why do biros make terrible parents?
Because they're always leaving their kids alone.

What do you call a biro with a fever?
A hot little pen!

What do you call a biro that's been run over by a car?
A flattened pen!

What's black and blue and write all over?
A biro that's been used too hard.

What's the best way to erase a biro?
With a biro.

Why don't biros go on dates?
Because they're always sharp and might hurt someone's feelings.

What's the difference between a biro and a terrorist?
I don't know, but I can't write with a terrorist.

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From: anonymous
Subj: Maraoke

The Maraoke logo over an image of people at a Maraoke gig

Do you live in or near London? Do you like video games, and also karaoke? Why not come to Maraoke, the world's only* karaoke event where all the lyrics to all your favourite karaoke classics have been changed to be dumb jokes about video games.

It's this Friday (the 18th), at Loading Bar in Peckham, from about 7pm. Come, it's free, and a lot more fun to experience than it is to try and explain it, we promise! Hardly any of the songs contain sexually suggestive material about Pokémon!

You'll want to live like console people! You'll want to do whatever console people do!**

* unless someone's ripping us off
** instead of Common People, do you see?

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