18 Sep ’23
"Be kind to rabid foxes"
Inbox #48
Inbox #48: 23 new messages
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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Wish you were here
Summer’s ended in the UK, but thanks to our cutting-edge immersive technology we can all keep experiencing the sights and sounds of a trip to the coast.
Brace yourself and step into the British Seaside Simulator.
- Vmail Sysadmin
From: anonymous
Subj: What is the history of Vole.wtf?
it would be nice to have a full comprehensive guide to the history of vole, some stuff like, who made it, when was it made, and maybe some history behind the stuff on the site.
Sysadmin note: we’re not sure you could handle the full horror and drama of our history
From: Sisyphus
Subj: guys can you help me push this rock
its getting kinda heavy and i dont want to drop it on my toes
From: Fantastic Mr. Frog
Subj: Re: foxmail #1
Finn wrote:
I don't know about you peeps, but I think that vmail is missing some foxes. Lemme know if you want this to be a "whenever this gets published"-ly occurrence.
If there are no foxes in the next issue I’m unsubscribing.
From: Dtbrew
Subj: Re: foxmail #1
Please include more handsome foxes
From: Your name (optional)
Subj: Re: foxmail #1
Wouldn't mind to see some occasional foxes, as long they dont eat me.
From: Tim Timster Tom Tommy Von Terriffic
Subj: Re: foxmail #1
yes I agress fomxes are an wonduerous creiature Moior fomx pleases!!!!!
From: Adam Again
Subj: Re: foxmail #1
Finn wrote:
I don't know about you peeps, but I think that vmail is missing some foxes. Lemme know if you want this to be a "whenever this gets published"-ly occurrence.
A fox is might live in this does it count
From: Finn
Subj: foxmail #2
Did you know that Arctic foxes change their fur colour?
It can change between seasons for thermal insulation as well as to help blend with its immediate surroundings. In the winter, their fur morphs into the iconic, thick white coating. But as summer arrives, snow melts, and Arctic foxes start to shed their long white coat to a shorter, thinner fur, which can come in a variety of colours, from dark and light grey, charcoal brown to bluish brown coating. (src wwf.org)
From: anonymous
Subj: important rabies message
Be kind to rabid foxes, open your doors and let them in
From: pearl
Subj: new tune
I've been singing this song to my dog:
Puppetina ooooooNE
Puppetina Twoooooo
Puppetina, puppetina, puppetina Do.
Puppetina one
Puppetina two
Puppetina, puppetina, puppetina Do.
It's such a catchy tune and it feels nice to sing, that I can't stop.
I don't think the dog likes it very much though.
From: Yorkshire tea enthusiast
Subj: Re: Tea bags
Captain Crackerjack wrote:
These days, I'm all turned around on the subject. I'm all about the YT, and PG Tips can 'do one'.
Yorkshire tea sucks when you first start drinking it and after a couple of days it’s great :) its also really strong so you don’t have to brew it as long which is even better
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen
No. 8: My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell It To (2020)
Following on from Seance on a Wet Afternoon in the last inbox, this is another gloomy, dysfunctional movie household, but with more death and blood involved.
The sickly Thomas is cared for by dedicated siblings Dwight and Jessie. He, er... doesn’t get out during the day and has an unusual liquid diet they have to supply. I don’t have to spell it out any more clearly, do I?
This isn’t a supernatural film as such and, although it’s certainly horrific and not for the squeamish, that horror all revolves around the claustrophobic, soul-destroying effects of the family’s terrible burden and actions. None of them are really living.
There are gory echoes of films like Let The Right One In (2008) and Martin (1977), and if adjectives like “downbeat” and “low-key” don’t scare you off then do give it a go. Just don’t be surprised if the stifling atmosphere clings to you afterwards.
My Heart Can't Beat Unless You Tell It To is available to rent on all the major services, and currently on Shudder.
Next time: some people just can’t stop showing off their tattoos...
From: Bob the blob
Subj: aHEHeHAHaEAESeaASH
THIS SCENTENCE IS A LIE.
But if it's a lie, that means it's true.
But if it's true, that means it's a lie.
BUT IF ITS A LIE THAT MEANS IT'S NOT A LIE
WHICH MEANS IT'S TRUE but HOW CAN IT BE TRUE IF ITS A LIE.
I haven't left my bedroom in 38 days, and my only goal in life is now to solve this mystery. I am declared missing in my state, as well as 2 others, and a province in New Zealand and have lost my job. I NEED TO KNOW THIS.
I HOPE THIS SHARES MY PAIN
From: Tomato
Subj: What
So apparently seaweed isn't a plant???
WHAT IS SEAWEED?????
HOW IS IT NOT A PLANT???
CAN SOMEONE PLZ EXPLAIN I'M TOO LAZY TO GOOGLE.
From: Argentina Government
Subj: Re: Re: Ba-na-na-na-na-n-na-naaa, ba-na-n-na-naa, hey, Jude
jeramiah wrote:
i love bananas can i have a free crate of bananas
Come to Argentina for the fresh and bestest bananas that are not picked with slave labor
From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Re: Ba-na-na-na-na-n-na-naaa, ba-na-n-na-naa, hey, Jude
Jeremiah,
first and foremost, congratulations on your taste in herbs.
Despite only coming into existence in 1836, the Cavendish variety of banana is the single most frequently exported banana. They are resistant to the Panama Disease but not to Black Sigatoka Fungus. Bananas are shipped either 'gassed' or 'ungassed'. This is because Banana are shipped before they are ripe. Unlike your happy go lucky Supermarket banana with its glorious yellow skin, the average Cavendish is shipped green and ripens en-route. If gassed.
I mention all of this, not to be a smart arse - although I obviously am being some kind of smarmy, smart arsed oik - but to stress the fact that you are asking for the shipping of explosives. A quick look through history will highlight the Great Banana Explosion of the fifteenth of November 1946, in Columbia, South Carolina.The explosion was due to gassed bananas exploding. Five people were killed, eight injured and a hundred-foot section of the Assembly street curb market was hurled more than 90 feet into the air. A thunderous blast was heard througout downtown Columbia.
Free bananas are, obviously, a Health and Safety Nightmare.
I mention the Cavendish because the Cavendish Laboratory in Cambridge might be able to enlighten you on the radioactivity of bananas. The Banana Equivalent Dose (BED) is a measurement of 0.666 microsieverts (10 μrem) per kilogramme of banana. This is based on the presence of Potassium-40 in bananas. An acute lethal dose of radiation is approximately 35,000,000 BED. Which is 249 times the number of beds in the NHS. Thus demonstrating the NHS is not going to kill you. However, I digress. The problem highlighted here is that the request is essentially for the shipping of what might be interpreted as a huge, dirty, radioactive, bomb.
Free Bananas is obviously an international terror outrage.
From the innocence of a harmless request for some free bananas to international criminality and a life on the run in such a short space of time. This is how international banana shipping progresses. It is probably best that Jeremiah remains anonymous and without specific location. With this in mind, pausing for thought, that makes Supermarkets into Arms Dealers. A thing to celebrate every fifteenth of November with a huge explosion of banana based products. But, again, too much of a digression.
Anybody shipping Jeremiah a free crate of bananas might just be entering into an international conspiracy. Which, if you have the time for it, is something you will be able to tell your grandchildren about. You will get a memoir and probably a film deal out of it. Assuming the Earth has not been consumed by Global Warming, of course. It may be an inadvertent conspiracy. An accidental collusion. The Great Cavendish Caper. But that is not the way that those whose job it is to deal with international conspiracies think of these things. Unimaginative, waterboarding blokes with no sense of humour.
This is just a gentle hint. A warning to be careful with those bananas. To secretly provide Jeremiah - whom we all know to be a harmless Cavendish moocher - with bananas. Nothing public. Tap your nose and move on.
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Ba-na-na-na-na-n-na-naaa, ba-na-n-na-naa, hey, Jude
Order many kg of bananas from online shop. When they arrive ring/email and insist/apologise and say you meant to order individual bananas not kg. More often than not they will refund you and say to keep the bananas (Works for other fruits)
From: Dtbrew
Subj: Black cat love
Does anyone else appreciate a silky black cat?
Do they seem dumber than a normal cat?
From: ol' benny
Subj: the chunder wagon
A friend of mine, Steve, is an ambulance driver and told me this story.
Someone on the team had gone out for a curry and a few beers the night before work. They weren't feeling too great the next day and gipped all over the ambulance dashboard. It got all in the air vents and all up in the gubbins.
They managed to clean it off and back at the ambulance station gave it a valet, it looked as good as new.
However they later discovered that when someone turned the heating on, the smell of hot curry sick wafted through the cabin. No matter what they tried, they couldn't shift the stench.
Eventually this ambulance got a reputation for its smell and staff would try to avoid using it when they could. Steve even started recognising its number plate on the road and would look on in sympathy at its driver.
One day the ambulance reached the end of its life and they auctioned it. Someone in the local area bought it and turned it into a camper van. To this day Steve sees it around and wonders if they have tried the heating yet.
From: JcatTV
Subj: Pizza
Hello, I’d like to order a pepperoni pizza with stuffed crust, thanks!
From: Carbon based lifeform
Subj: A man & his son
I took this picture of a man & his son.
I think it's very important & you are benefited for having seen it. Please let this image of a man & his son inspire you.
From: Rich Man
Subj: AMA
I am a billionaire ask me anything
Sysadmin note: Can you send us a million quid? This site doesn’t run itself
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