19 Jun ’23
"im shivering in my timbers"
Inbox #44
Inbox #44: 29 new messages
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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: BORING BORING BORING
Here at the Vole Hole we pride ourselves on being exceptionally boring and felt compelled to explore the topic further, so we commissioned surveys to discover the dullest things British people could think of.
Britain’s Most Boring covers cities, names, jobs, hobbies and foods; see how much of your life appears on those lists...
- Vmail Sysadmin
From: Max
Subj: class president
Is it a good idea for me to run for class president?
From: Mark “the man” Mann
Subj: barbeque shopping list
- charcoal
- lighter fluid
- frozen burgers
- chicken burgers
- burger baps
- sossies
- rolls
- frozen chicken
- frying oil (2 litres? 3 litres??)
- linda mcartney muck for u know who
- bbq sauce
- kebab stuff- meat? sticks??
- cans
- g&t cans
- cider
- fizzies (NO vimto = vomit)
- rum
- Magnums NOT mini
- rocket lollies
- supersoaker
- bag of ice OR trays
- dog poo bags
- wotsits
From: Al Napp
Subj: Re: Re: Boing
Lizzie wrote:
i'm going to be pursuing a graduate degree at cambridge later this fall, does anyone have any tried and true methods for combating my old friend imposter syndrome?
Just wait 'til you meet everyone else on the course
You'll be fine
From: EDU.COM
Subj: Re: Re: Boing
i have an easy tip
its called 'quitting college'
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Re: Boing
The imposters will usually be hatched from a pod that's been placed within 500m of where you live, so make sure you check round before going to sleep.
Have some probing questions prepared so you can identify any old friends who have already been replaced, try to be subtle about it though.
And of course keep a suitable weapon handy for when they finally try to drain your fluids (tip: their skulls tend to be softer than ours). Good luck!
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film You’ve Never Seen
No. 4: How I Ended This Summer (2010)
A couple of blokes are stationed at an isolated Soviet weather station in the Arctic. All they have to do is get along and take some readings; what could possibly go wrong?
Stupid mishaps and petty resentments spiral out of control, leading to a tense, gripping conflict between student Pasha and middle-aged scientist Sergei. Everything’s grounded in the reality of people tragically failing to communicate, there’s no contrived action nonsense.
It’s a beautifully made two-man drama, track it down and brace yourself for the wince-inducing scenes featuring a Radioisotope Thermoelectric Generator (apparently they’re lying around all over the place).
How I Ended This Summer is available to rent on various services and turns up on YouTube, but may be tricky to find online in HD.
Next time: a banker is reborn.
From: A fine human being
Subj: Re: Barry
Emily >:) wrote:
This is my pet duck Barry. He is 27 years old and has committed several felonies. Fear him
Jeez, I think I saw him in my basement.
From: The News
Subj: Re: Barry
Awww cute >.<
From: Cleo
Subj: Re: Barry
I love Barry I'm sure he has committed many many war crimes!
From: Tomato
Subj: Re: Barry
He looks like a peep, I fear him.
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Barry
im shivering in my timbers :[
From: That one guy on Vmail
Subj: Re: Barry
I just can say one thing. He's cu- nvm. Just let Barry take over the world. Idc anyways
From: Bazadonk
Subj: Day brix (ahh-ahh) fighter of the night brix (ahh-ahh)
I’ve been playing this game too much. Please take it away from me, I’m seeing the shapes when I close my eyes.
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: mystry cake
anonymous wrote:
someone left this on my step it looks yum but smells bit funny do i eat it or no
it usually works out for me... i say try it
From: Michael
Subj: Re: mystry cake
noo
From: Normal human being
Subj: Re: mystry cake
Yes yes it's a very good idea to eat it absolutely nothing bad will happen to you don't worry my fwiend:)
From: Milkman
Subj: Re: mystry cake
Don’t worry its probably fine i definitely did not put any harmful substances like purely refined soyabean compressed hard (child-labour mined) expensive lead inside of it………
From: A fine human being
Subj: Re: mystry cake
Give it a try, there might be a check from mr beast inside
From: Tomato
Subj: BLAHAJ
I GOT A BLAHAJ AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
From: Evil Overlord Inc
Subj: Re: I don't usually do this
Sir Tim the Graceful wrote:
I don't usually do this, but even dark lords have free time (although not much) and I just wanted to do a little ...
Hello,
You have responded to being a Dark Lord.
We would be happy to give you an indroductory offer of becoming the best dark lord there is!
eviloverlord.com/message.html
The previous link will take you to our Company Homepage.
We hope that you have a fabulous time shopping and use your free time wisely.
PS. Use code “IHATEPEOPLEANDIMASOCIALINTROVERT” to get 20% off any order of 50$ or more.
Evil Overlord Inc… ‘Planning your Future, One Step at a Time’
From: Hubert Huzzah
Subj: Re: Re: Re: Teaching the Eldritch Horrors how to email
Sir Tim the Graceful wrote:
Hullo Dr. Dr. Mr. Prof. Huzzah, Tis I, Sir Tim. After arriving home from my short sabbatical visiting my 253rd cousin, ...
My Lord Graceful the Bringer of Mist and Blood,
I do like the idea of Universal Healthcare. I do like that the eldritch horrors managed to become comfortable with modernity and a better, more efficient, armageddon. I must, however, decline the kind offer of enslavement.
While you offer generous compensation, you do not put a number onto it. I fear, as with most Bringers of Mist and Blood of my past acquaintance, that would not materialise into filthy lucre. Which, I admit, is a health and safety nightmare, given the kind of filth that the average Eldritch Horror is wont to slather onto lucre. This does not mean I am ill disposed towards negotiation. Just that I am loathe to sign a contract. It took quite a while to get my immortal gubbbins back from the last Demonic Entity (LLC) that I foolishly put quill to vellum with.
My skills are arcane and technical. I like swearing loudly at people and the danger of electrocution. Which makes me unsuitable to customer servility or Discorporate Communications. Which is what swings it agains being able to accept your kind offer.
I would be interested in a Work From Hovel arrangement withinn IT. Technical consultation at a distance. Which I find to be an astounding compromise: maintaining a minimum safe distance from the site of Eldritch Abomination helps me to retain what little sanity I have while avoiding the buffet of human carnage that most well rolled out Armageddons turn in to. Apparently, Eldritch Horrors see me more as a hors d'ouevre than a work colleague. I admit that I do not help that situation by carrying some excess body mass.
Do wish Uncle æz̩et‖ʊ̈eʒhunbbəertj̩ɚry well from me; and pass on my apologies for accidentally exorcising him. Just goes to show that playing Green Day Vinyl backwards is always a mistake.
Before I forget, do teach your Eldrich Horrors base sixteen arithmetic. It will help with their hex.
Yrs && c.
sur Hubert Huzzah (postmortuarist)
From: RBM2010
Subj: Re: :(
anonymous wrote:
hey guys im feeling sad will you please send some cursed images to cheer me up?
elfs like in lord of the rings or keeper of the lost cities dont dress like real elfs so i edited the main character from keeper of the lost cities into a elf costume its also cursed bc its not in proper color
From: Tomato
Subj: Re: :(
anonymous wrote:
hey guys im feeling sad will you please send some cursed images to cheer me up?
I found a mustache and hair - less Mario
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: 2/5 ARG hints. any others are fake
-- -.-- / -.. . .- .-. / .- .-.. .- -..- --.. .- -. -.. . .-. --..-- / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / ..-. --- .-. --. . - / -- . .-.-.- / .. / .- -- / -... . .. -. --. / .-- .- - -.-. .... . -.. / -.-. .-.. --- ... . .-.. -.-- / .- -. -.. / ..-. . .- .-. / ..-. --- .-. / -.-- --- ..- .-. / ... .- ..-. . - -.-- .-.-.- / .. ..-. / .. / .- -- / -. . . -.. . -.. --..-- / ..- ... . / - .... . / -.-. --- -.. . / .-- . / .- --. .-. . . -.. / ..- .--. --- -. .-.-.- / .-. . -- . -- -... . .-. ---... / . -- -- .. .-.. .. .. .----. ... / ..-. .- ...- --- .-. .. - . / -. ..- -- -... . .-. --..-- / .--- .- -.-. . .----. ... / ..-. .. .-. ... - / -.. .- - . --..-- / .- -. -.. / -- -.-- / -. .- -- . .-.-.- / ..-. .-. --- -- ---... / .- -- -- .. .-.. .. .-
From: Air pressure and weather calculations enjoyer
Subj: Re: PSA
Chloe wrote:
SCIENCE CLASS IS BORING
DOES ANYONE EVER USE AIR PRESSURE AND WEATHER CALCULATIONS IN THEIR DAY TO DAY LIFE?!?
Pls respond in next newsletter
Of course I do! And I always will.
From: Your local cereal killer
Subj: Re: PSA
I use air pressure and weather every day! Air pressure is very important in deciding which cereal packets are ready to be killed, and the weather on a certain day helps me decide if and when I should go out to the grocery store. Also, science class taught me biology, which helps to find the jugular vein and cut in when the CPS (Cereal Protection Agency) comes after me and I have to defend myself.
From: metal mikey
Subj: Re: PSA
Chloe wrote:
SCIENCE CLASS IS BORING
DOES ANYONE EVER USE AIR PRESSURE AND WEATHER CALCULATIONS IN THEIR DAY TO DAY LIFE?!?
Pls respond in next newsletter
you looking for a fight
From: Anonymous
Subj: my life is a joke
can anyone gimme a joke . i lost my job . or maybe gimme a meme . or I will rickroll .
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