14 Mar ā23
"I heard my neighbors screaming last night"
Inbox #39
Inbox #39: 18 new messages
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From: Sysadmin @VOLEwtf
Subj: Lies, all lies
With April Foolsā Day approaching, for the next inbox we want your LIES.
Send us your weirdest whoppers, prize porky pies, phoney photos, tantalising tall tales and fabulous fibs.
Of course, this is also the perfect opportunity to slip in any bizarre true stories you have...
- Vmail Sysadmin
PS: This newsletter now has 248 million subscribers and is uploaded from a secret moonbase.
From: anonymous
Subj: Re: Evil Goblin News
the goblins wrote:
Our sorcerers have unlocked a new form of dark magic that harnesses a strange, invisible energy source and travels through metals!
Just wait til the Dark Lord gets their first electricity bill
From: Sasha
Subj: Launching a HAB this weekend
Hey,
We're launching a High Altitude Balloon next weekend near Toronto, if you're interested, please check out the libre.space thread!
From: The_cold_stare
Subj: Re: Moth is Waiting
Your local Moth wrote:
Hello. I am Moth. I have reached your neighbirs' houses already and have filled them with my kids for them to prospere. Your house is next.
I am ready for you, Moth, with my newspaper of doom. I know where you hide and I have no issue with moth bloodshed
From: A fine human being
Subj: Re: Moth is Waiting
I heard my neighbors screaming last night.... now I know why.
From: yourlittlebutterfly
Subj: olaaa
ola miamor, aqui esta tu dibujo, que lo disfrutes bb!!
tqm
att: tu melocotoncito
From: Almost a Duck
Subj: Re: geese
smilerose wrote:
Have you ever glanced outside your window and decided that you want to be a goose? Well now you can! Introducing the ...
Could you possibly do some fancy biology and turn me into duck instead of goose? I am very specific about distinction.
Thanks,
Almost a Duck
From: Honk
Subj: Re: geese
Honk honk,
Honk honk, HonkhonkhonkHonkhonkhonk
Honkhonk honkhonk? Honk!
Honk honk honkhonkhonk. Honk honk honkhonk honk honkhonk. Honk honkhonk honkhonkhonk honk! Honk honk honk
Honkhonk honkhonkhonk,
H. Onk
From: Sir Tim the Graceful
Subj: Teaching the Eldritch Horrors how to email
I have been trying to teach some of my underlings how to email so we may correspond faster, as our old system dates back to before the archaic times (the messenger goblins are quite slow and they keep stealing my things. I usually just vaporize them but it's getting boring). It's proven to be quite difficult. The horrors seem to get the hang of faxing, but that's a bit tacky, innit? Anyways, if any of you Vmailers have ideas of how to help the eldritch horrors get the hang of emailing, please do let me know.
Sincerely,
Sir Tim the Graceful
Lord of the Dark Forest
Bringer of Mist and Blood
From: Captain Crackerjack
Subj: Re: Roundabouts
Head full of questions wrote:
Does anyone know or want to guess how many roundabouts there is on earth? And yes i did specify earth cuz other planets might have roundabouts also, but that is another discussion.
That's a great question. My answer is probably more than a hundred, but probably less than 10 million. That's just a guess, though. Probably more if you take playground rides into account, rather than just what the Americans call 'traffic circles'.
From: A person
Subj: Re: Re: My Dog
anonymous wrote:
Reminds me of my dog lolll
This is MY dog
From: Delta
Subj: my dawg
Drawing of my dog, I promise that she's nice.
From: thatOneHalfBiteenCookiE
Subj: Wsg earthlings
Sup guys, Iām thatOneHalfBiteenCookie
in real life,
Iām a 8th grade girl,my pronouns are she/they and I live in the USA but Iām Indian. I like to do taekwondo and I cannot draw!so peeps respond to this and tell meā¦who are you? What do you like to do? And what your identity is donāt worry I have a friend who indentifies as a pear he is very yummy ā¦ er I mean I DIDNT EAT HIM I PROMISE (nom nom nom pears taste so good)
From: your mother
Subj: Re: Re: why do candles exist
Sir Tim the Graceful wrote:
candles are delicious (yum)
Candles are, not in fact, delicious. They kind of taste like soap or perfume. I don't recommend eating them.
From: Melissa Yung
Subj: Carpe Diem: Living with Purpose and Passion
The sun rises, the sun sets
A new day, a new chance to forget
The troubles that plagued us yesterday
And seize the opportunities of today
The world spins, the seasons change
Our lives move on, never in the same range
From joys to sorrows, from love to hate
We navigate the twists and turns of fate
But through it all, we must remember
That life is short, and we're just a member
Of a grander scheme, a cosmic dance
Where every move, every step, has a chance
To make a difference, to leave a mark
To brighten someone's day, to light a spark
So let's live with purpose, with passion, with grace
And make this world a better place.
From: FBI
Subj: Re: 1/5 ARG hints
The Helper wrote:
.... . .-.. .--. / -- . / .--. .-.. . .- ... . / - .... . -.-- / .... .- ...- . / -- . / .. / .-- .. .-.. .-.. / .-.. --- --. / .- --. .- .. -. / ... --- --- -. / -... ..- - / .. ..-. / .. / -.. --- -. .----. - / - . .-.. .-.. / .... . .-. / .. / ... .- .. -.. / -... -.-- . .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.- .-.-.-
... . -. -.. / -.-. --- --- .-. -.. .. -. .- - . ... --..-- / ... .... . / .. ... / .-- .- .. - .. -. --. / ..-. --- .-. / -.-- --- ..-
From: Dave
Subj: Microwave
Dear people of the universe! Bluebells are purple, Greenlands not green. My pinkys not pink, so what does it mean?! Roses are red, but my names not Dave, " Are you drunk ? " im not drunk! MICROWAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAVE !!!! Do you know what im sayin ?
From: Matt Round
Subj: The Best Film Youāve Never Seen
No. 1: Smokescreen (1964)
There are great films I deliberately set out to watch, and great films I stumbled upon late at night in the ā90s while channel-hopping in despair, hoping to find something vaguely interesting rather than go to bed.
Smokescreen starts with a burning car going off a cliff and immediately has the feel of a bog standard British B movie; I very nearly switched to some other nonsense (Godās Gift, Get Stuffed, In Bed With Medinner, whatever), but āStarring Peter Vaughanā kept me watching ā he actually had a leading role in a filmā¦?
Itās an insurance investigator whodunit with a decent plot to unravel that I wonāt spoil, but the whole thing is elevated way beyond expectations by a truly wonderful character and performance in Vaughanās Roper. He walks in with his bowler hat, umbrella and awkward smile, immediately fretting about his dubious expenses forms. Weāre off, following this cunning miser as he works his way through the suspects with logic, persuasion and a bit of breaking and entering.
In among the detective work thereās a couple of comedy sequences (awkwardly plying a witness with expensive cocktails after his boss suggests āPour some gin down her, Roper!ā, and extracting information from a railway worker played by Deryck Guyler from Please Sir), and we get a poignant glimpse of Roperās home life before he wraps the case up.
Vaughan went on to do amazing work in supporting roles for the next 50 years, right up to Game of Thrones, but I donāt think he ever got another lead role so worthy of his talents. His socially-awkward, expenses-fiddling investigator couldāve/shouldāve been the UKās Columbo, but instead never got beyond B movie obscurity.
Smokescreen is currently on Amazon Prime UK and Talking Pictures TV Encore (free account required), or can be rented from YouTube/Google Play.
Next time: something newer and much, much weirder.
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